Welcome to Ghost of a Podcast. I'm your host, Jessica Lanyadoo. I'm an astrologer, psychic medium, and animal communicator, and I'm going to give you your weekly horoscope and no-bullshit mystical advice for living your very best life.

Jessica:            Welcome to the podcast. What would you like your reading about?

Vivica:            I am curious why my chart is so accurate about a lot of things about me and still somehow feels completely off base when it comes to advice or guidance that comes along with transits and aspects. And it feels like I'm not really feeling the magic that's in my chart, and I'm just curious why that is.

Jessica:            Okay. Let's pull up your chart. Hold, please. We have decided we're not going to share your birth data. The people don't need to know everything.

Vivica:            Yes.

Jessica:            But this is your birth chart. And you say some things about your chart feel accurate; some things don't. When you refer to the guidance you're getting about transits and aspects, are you getting it from apps? Are you an astrologer and you're getting it from yourself? Are you getting it from specific astrologers?

Vivica:            In the beginning, it was mostly apps. And then I started studying. I got into kind of a program, a course. And so, as I'm learning, I'm using my own chart, and I'm trying to read more. I'm reading a couple of different books. So the information is coming from everywhere and anywhere, and I listen to an incredible number of podcasts because I like to hear all the different perspectives, you know—

Jessica:            Totally.

Vivica:            —and all those things. So it feels like I'm missing the mark on a lot of that information. So, yeah, I'm kind of getting it from everywhere, I think.

Jessica:            Okay.

Vivica:            Yeah.

Jessica:            So then—okay. Give me an example briefly of what does and what doesn't resonate.

Vivica:            Okay. So I think the Leo/Venus thing resonates very, very loudly.

Jessica:            Vibes. You get it.

Vivica:            Yeah. I get it. I think even in my dating style, I see a lot of it. But then I have this aspect, like, the orb is the closest together, which is like Sun trine Uranus. And it's like, "You're an innovator," and all these things, which I feel like sometimes I am, but like ten percent of the time, I am, but you know what I mean? I represent that—

Jessica:            Okay. So let me jump in on that, then. So you regard your birth chart, and you think, "Okay. I've got a Sun/Uranus trine; therefore, I should be innovative 365, seven days a week." Is that what you're telling yourself? Is that what you're—

Vivica:            No, I feel like I'm like, why is that—if that's such an important part—

Jessica:            Okay. I see.

Vivica:            —of the way that we—right? Like for me, I'm like, this information feels like it's being presented—

Jessica:            I see. Okay.

Vivica:            —for reasons—I'm like, why is the—

Jessica:            I've got shit to say.

Vivica:            Yeah.

Jessica:            So a lot of astrologers will say something that you have never heard me say, which is the tightest aspect is the strongest aspect. To me, that is a technical truth that doesn't bear out in a human-centered way. In other words, your tightest aspect is not the one that you resonate with the most. And even if you did resonate with it the most, you wouldn't, 365 days a year, be vibing on a Sun/Uranus line all the time.

So let me say more. From my perspective, the way that birth charts work is not piece, piece, piece, piece, but instead, the synthesis of the pieces.

Vivica: Right.

Jessica:            And the way that humans work is we are lead by trauma, just dragged around, dragged around by our trauma, right?

Vivica:            Yeah.

Jessica:            So you have something gorgeous like a Sun trine to Uranus. Sure, it means you're innovative, but that's not the only thing it means. It means that you have an attention span that encompasses many things all at once.

Vivica:            Yes.

Jessica:            It means that your nervous system is always a little on. It means that you get easily bored. It means that you are open to new experiences. It means you get easily bored with old experiences. It doesn't just mean you're an innovator. That's a good keyword. What is really happening is there's this easy conversation between the Sun and Uranus, but the problem here is our sextiles and our trines, regardless of how tight they are, aren't the things that lead us. What leads us is actually our conjunctions, our oppositions, and our squares, according to me. Now, listen. I'm a fucking bad-time Sally. I am a Capricorn/Capricorn/Capricorn. So that is just my attitude. But I have come to find that that is what actually resonates with people.

                        So let's talk about your chart for just a minute, and then I'm going to ask you more questions, okay?

Vivica:            Okay.

Jessica:            So you're, like, a 1990 baby.

Vivica:            Mm-hmm.

Jessica:            You've got your Uranus sitting real close to your Neptune and your Neptune real close to your Saturn.

Vivica:            Very close.

Jessica:            And your Uranus and your Neptune are opposite your Ascendant.

Vivica:            Right.

Jessica:            Right?

Vivica:            Okay.

Jessica:            So what does this tell me? It tells me relationships are a constant fucking issue for you—how you relate to other people, how people are in your way, what that means about the people, what that means about you, what is your duty and responsibility to the people. What is their duty and responsibility to you?

Vivica:            Yeah.

Jessica:            So this is just the opposition. It also speaks to how, in your own childhood, you saw one of your parents having to make a lot of impossible choices within—I was going to say "her" marriage. So this is articulated by that kind of funny conjunction—it's not exactly a conjunction—of those three. But Neptune is sandwiched in between Saturn and Uranus, and then Neptune and Uranus are opposite the Ascendant.

So we have all this complexity, right? Relationships, what they cost, what we owe each other is hugely articulated by this Capricorn shmegegge here. And you mentioned your beautiful, beautiful Venus in Leo sitting there in the second house like, "I value me. I value love. I value yes. I value art." But it's fucking square Pluto, lest we forget. Lest we forget. So I'll come back to that in a minute.

But we're talking about the seventh house because we're talking about Uranus. Uranus is in the sixth house, but it's conjunct the Descendant. So Venus is like, zing, "Wait. Are you talking about my family? Are you talking about me?" And then we come back to the Sun trine Uranus.

What the Sun trine to Uranus says contextually in the synthesis of who you are is, even though you struggle—you struggle with the people; the people sometimes struggle with you. Relationships are a fucking thing for you. Even though that's true, you don't lose yourself. I mean, you may misplace yourself, but you don't lose yourself, because the Sun is trine to Uranus. You also, BTWs, have a Sun trine to Neptune.

Even when you feel like you're at a fucking impasse with people, you seek ways of shifting your perception so you can see things from their angle. You find ways of maybe not innovating exactly, but kind of doing that Neptunian adapting. You kind of shift your perspective. And so this Sun trine to Uranus and Neptune—it articulates not just, "Oh, I'm innovative, and I'm expansive, and I'm one who always does shit," it speaks to the context of the placement that it's hitting. So it's not just hitting Uranus. It's hitting Uranus conjunct your Descendant conjunct Neptune.

Vivica: Right.

Jessica:            So it's basically—your chart is like, "This is fucking hard," and you're resourceful. This is hard, but when you remember to belong to yourself, you find a way. And sometimes the way is like, "Okay. We're at an impasse." Right? I'm not saying that means everything's perfect. But does that track more with your lived experience?

Vivica:            Yeah.

Jessica:            Yeah. And so, before I ask you more questions, I just want to say the thing about the birth chart—think of it this way because you can read all the symbols, right?

Vivica:            Right.

Jessica:            Okay. So, if somebody's listening, we're doing this on a screen. You can watch a video version. Whatevs. So think of it this way. All of these lines in between, they're aspect lines, right? But what you want to know is that all of the planets are talking to at least one other planet in your chart. And if the planets aren't talking to each other or points, they are in a house which is noisy. It's like a person in a room. And then, if there's no people in a room—let's say we're looking at your eighth house; there's no planets in there. You have Aquarius, the zodiac sign governed by our friend Uranus, on the house cusp. So we know that Uranus is like, "Oh, you're talking about my family right now."

                        There's a way that the birth chart is this organism teeming with life, and nothing exists in isolation like a machine. It's more like a tree with a million organisms living on it. It's code; it's not just numbers on a page.

Vivica:            Right.

Jessica:            And so where I think that you're getting thrown off is you're like, "This aspect doesn't make sense in my mood right now. This aspect makes sense in most of my moods."

Vivica:            Yeah.

Jessica:            Right? But that'll change because you're right now—how old are you right now?

Vivica:            I'm 35.

Jessica:            35. Okay. The way you feel at 35 is different than how you felt at 25.

Vivica:            Yes.

Jessica:            And if you're doing it right, you'll feel different at 45 and at 55 and at 65. So this is the thing, is that we tap into different parts of our charts or we embody those older parts in new ways, or our circumstances change, and so it taps into different parts of us. So, for instance, look at your little Midheaven sitting there.

Vivica:            Just hanging out.

Jessica:            Just hanging out at 18 degrees of Aries, just living its life, doing its things. And you can't see the aspects drawn. A lot of computer programs won't draw aspects to the angles. But Saturn is square your Midheaven, and Neptune is square your Midheaven. And if we're fucking with Chiron, it's in the mix. Okay. So what we know about your Midheaven at 35 years old is your career at this point, your childhood—but what we'll know when, let's say, Saturn crosses, which is going to happen next year, BTWs, will be a completely different thing. And Saturn will change you, and you will be changed by Saturn.

                        And then the next time Saturn aspects your Midheaven, you will be different. So, again, what I want to ground you into is I'm not trying to say, if astrology isn't resonating, you don't understand astrology. That's not what I'm saying. But I am saying, a lot of times, when people tell me, "Oh, this just doesn't vibe with me," it's because the interpretation isn't adapting to who you are, when you are, and it's not synthesizing enough details.

Vivica:            That makes absolute sense.

Jessica:            Okay. Great. I love to hear that.

Vivica:            Yeah. Yeah.

Jessica:            And then are there other aspects where you're like, "But no. But no, it doesn't work"?

Vivica:            As you were talking about the Sun, just even that Sun trine Uranus and the other, I guess, identifying pieces of it, I was like, check, check, check, check, check. And what you just said about Chiron being in the mix with my Midheaven and Saturn and—I feel like, when you're explaining it, obviously, you are who you are, and you're very good at this. And I think when I step away and then I look at these different aspects—and there's a lot of variation, I feel like, always kind of coming at me—I don't know how to prioritize—

Jessica:            Yes.

Vivica:            —right, what's most—for the chapter of my life that I'm in because the thing is I'll have events in my life. Sometimes I'll look back, and I'm like, "Wow. That something was exact right at that time." Right?

Jessica:            Yeah.

Vivica:            I have a lot of eleventh house—right? Like, eleventh house—

Jessica:            Yeah.

Vivica:            —[indiscernible 00:12:31]. But I don't have a lot of those relationships in my life. So, when I get [indiscernible 00:12:37] like, hello?

Jessica:            Like, what even are we talking about?

Vivica:            Yeah. Yeah.

Jessica:            Well, you know, I feel like the eleventh house—how it presents in our lives today, in 2026, is different than it was in the '70s or the '90s when a lot of astrology books were written, which is to say a lot of it is our online life. A lot of it is our relationship to how we engage with technology and the relationships that happen online. Like we are right now across the country from each other, and we're on the computer together. But we're also having an emotional experience. So I want to throw that in the mix.

                        But I also want to say you're speaking to something so important. It's like, yeah, I can synthesize your chart because I've been doing it for 30 years. What are you supposed to do with that, right? So there's a couple things. And the first one, I think, you're going to find annoying. When you are activated, when you're emotional, when you feel yearning or fear or desperation, is when you shouldn't be using astrology—should not be using astrology—because the first thing to do in those moments is deal with the activation. Deal with the emotion.

Vivica:            Right.

Jessica:            First of all, you're a Cancer Rising. Come on. You know what I mean?

Vivica:            Yeah. [crosstalk].

Jessica:            But also, you have so much stuff in your chart, like you are a Cancer Rising, but that's all your water. There it is, right there, except for Pluto. I mean…

Vivica:            Yeah. I know.

Jessica:            I mean—so, all to say, first of all, sit with the feeling. Second of all, when you're activated—okay. I'm really good at astrology. If I'm activated and I look at my chart, I will 100 percent of the time do one of two or two of two things: get it wrong or catastrophize.

Vivica:            Yeah. This is the worst part. Yeah.

Jessica:            Literally. Like, who else is going to do anything else? And turning to astrology when you're activated—that's not what astrology is for. Astrology is analytic. It's a highly fucking layered analytic tool. And so you have to be in a somewhat objective state in order to look at your chart and make any sense of it. So what I'm trying to get at is you can't be objective about yourself, and you can't be objective about your friends because you're in your friends' charts.

                        So what I want to kind of ground you into is this. Is it correct that career, "What am I doing with my life?" is a big question right now?

Vivica:            Oh my God. Every day of my life.

Jessica:            Every day of your life.

Vivica:            I wish I could just take it out of my—I wish. But yes. It's very big.

Jessica:            But then you wouldn't be you because listen. Listen. Let's talk about that. We're going to use your chart, and we're going to talk about it, okay? So, first of all, Uranus fucking sitting on top of your Mars—once-in-a-lifetime event. Uranus is just like, "How's your nervous system? Is it okay? Oh well." That's Uranus right now. Uranus is fucking with your body. What Uranus wants you to do is move and shake and try and do, and it's a lot for the nervous system. That's a hard transit. We can talk about it more, but let's not do that yet. Let's first stay with your birth chart.

                        Mars in your birth chart, in anyone's birth chart, is your ambition. It's the things you want to do. And in your chart, the aspects that it has—it's got a sextile to Chiron, and it's got a trine to Mercury. So, in general, when you, like—"This is what I'm going to do." Once you have clarity about your entitlement to do the thing, you just do it, and it just happens and it works, yes?

Vivica:            Yes.

Jessica:            Yeah. But here's the fucking thing. Uranus conjunct Mars doesn't just say it's time to do something. It says, "It's time to be more true to me." And so now "true to me"—what does "true to me" activate? It activates your fucking Saturn. So it doesn't mathematically activate your Saturn. This is why I'm always saying I'm a humanistic astrologer and I use it in a humancentric way, because there's your ambition. There's your creativity. But Saturn is like, "Do I deserve it? How do I do it?" And your Saturn fucking squares your fucking Midheaven. And it's not a loose aspect, BTWs. I mean, I don't know—it's maybe a couple minutes off of your Sun/Uranus trine, right?

Vivica:            Right.

Jessica:            So your Saturn/Midheaven square says, "Ah. If I do what I truly want to do, it'll cost me."

Vivica:            Yeah.

Jessica:            "If I do what I truly want to do, I might not succeed, which would mean I'm a failure—not that I failed at a thing, but that I can't and I won't." So this has nothing to do with Uranus/Mars. It's like—think of it this way. The transit occurs, but it ripples through your human experience, right? And this is part of what—when you're like, "I don't know how to prioritize data," it's really fucking hard. I can't do this for myself, just FYI. That's not reasonable. But I can look at your chart and be like, okay, so Mars is being activated, but for you, it's not like, "I want to do a project." It's, "I want to do a project that I orient my life around," because you're ambitious as fuck. Right?

Vivica:            Yep.

Jessica:            And so, once we hit your ambition, now we have to look at everything that touches your Midheaven, which just so happens to be Chiron/Saturn/fucking Neptune. I mean, it's not chill. There's no chill. And so, for you, you've got that Uranus/Mars, which we're not really even talking about. It's almost over. But we're not even really talking about it. What we're talking about is parts of your nature are being activated that you get to work on without transits activating them.

                        So, when we talk about Saturn in the birth chart, we're talking about your internal structure as a human being. We're talking about your understanding of reality. Your little trio of Capricorn placements, it just—your mom screaming at me, just screaming at me every time I look at them, right?

Vivica:            Mm-hmm.

Jessica:            So your mom's relationship to reality—what she thinks you can do is different than what she believes about reality. She kind of puts you on a pedestal, right?

Vivica:            Yeah.

Jessica:            Yeah. But her relationship to reality is it's work, and things are hard, and nothing comes easy.

Vivica:            Yeah.

Jessica:            What you have inside of you is this fucking Neptune stuff. And the Neptune is like, "I can do anything." Rules are just suggestions.

Vivica:            Yeah.

Jessica:            Yep. Mm-hmm. Chiron is like, "Feeling emotions is tragedy. So, instead, what I'll do is do."

Vivica:            Mm-hmm.

Jessica:            Yep. And then there's fucking Saturn. And Saturn is like—this is really your mom's greatest lesson in life: everything has a cost.

Vivica:            Yeah.

Jessica:            Everything is labor.

Vivica:            Yep.

Jessica:            Now, she doesn't believe that for you, and if you dare to say that about yourself, she's like, "Are you crazy? No way. You're capable of everything." But she models how fucking hard life is.

Vivica:            Yeah. Sorry.

Jessica:            No, not at all. Not at all. And is there anything that you have a question about or that you want me to speak to before I go on? Because I'm saying a lot of shit.

Vivica:            No. You're just, like—just really fucking good at what you do.

Jessica:            Okay. Okay. Thank you very much. Thank you very much.

Vivica:            Yeah. That's also kind of taking me aback. I'm like—

Jessica:            Yeah. It's a lot when somebody is like, "Here's all your most intimate shit. Let me just say it out loud and cuss a lot."

Vivica:            Yeah.

Jessica:            Sorry.

Vivica:            It's okay.

Jessica:            But also, inside of you is this conviction that you should have to work really hard, and also, if it doesn't just happen organically and magically, then it's not meant to be. And enough shit happens for you kind of magically. Actually, it's not magic. It's that you have a really compelling ego, and you have a really compelling way about you with people. And so you're just like, "Hey. What if we built a house?" And somebody's like, "I like building houses. You seem competent. Let's go." It's not really magic, but it feeds into your mom's fantasy for you and of you. And it's become yours, right? It's written in your chart in such a way it's yours as well. But it comes from her. And it's a mixed blessing, right? It's a mixed gift.

Vivica:            Yeah.

Jessica:            And so here you are, and you're struggling. Uranus is on top of your Mars. Uranus is on top of your Mars, and you're like, "The fuck? The fuck? The fuck? What am I doing with my life?"

Vivica:            [crosstalk].

Jessica:            Yeah. Yeah. You're just like, "I know I need to change. I know I need something new, but I don't know what. I know I'm supposed to make an impact, but I don't know what. I have all these people telling me they believe in me, but I don't know what to do with it."

Vivica:            Yep.

Jessica:            And instead of you saying, "Huh. That's the creative process"—that's not just the creative process. You've been in this creative process multiple times already in your life.

Vivica:            Yep.

Jessica:            You're just fumbling around in the dark or sometimes fumbling around in the bright, bright light, and it's nothing, nothing, nothing until somehow it's weirdly formed for you; it comes out kind of really well formed, eh?

Vivica:            Story of my life. Story of my life.

Jessica:            Yeah. Yeah. I mean, a lot of people are going to be jealous of this story. I know for you it sucks in the way you're talking about it, but it is like a lot of people fumble, fumble, fumble and never find it. Some people find it, and it's like a seed, and then they fumble, fumble, fumble. I just wanted to give you a little context—not that you can't have the full breadth of your experience, but also, there are worse things. I'm just saying.

Vivica:            Yeah, [crosstalk].

Jessica:            You know what I mean? There are worse things.

Vivica:            Yeah.

Jessica:            But the problem is that you assign, "How I'm feeling now is what I am. Where I'm at with my projects now is what I am." So you don't garden, I'm assuming. No, because you wouldn't have the tolerance. You plant a seed; nothing happens. You're like, "Fuck the seed. Fuck the earth. Fuck the plant. There's no point." You'd walk away. You'd be like, "Why bother watering this thing? It's nothing," whereas the gardener's mentality—which is in you. You've got Capricorn in you. But the gardener's mentality is, "You don't know what's happening under earth."

There has to be darkness. There has to be darkness because without the darkness, the seed can't do its fucking thing. I mean, there needs to be light, but the growth happens underground. And then there's a tiny, little nothing before it's a carrot to eat. You're obsessed with carrots. Listen. Venus in Leo—respect. You've got Jupiter in Leo in the first house. You're just like, "Give me organic carrots fully formed, no blemishes."

Vivica: Already done.

Jessica:            Yes. Totally. That's what you like. And also, part of what you've been learning since your Saturn Return, so in your 30s, really, is, "Oh, carrots are grown from seeds." It sucks. I'm so sorry.

Vivica:            It's a big realization.

Jessica:            Yeah. It's terrible. Like, "Not everything comes together all at once, and I have to grow things inside of me in order to be ready for the next thing."

Vivica:            Yeah.

Jessica:            And so there is this way that you truly want to prove yourself, because you love proving yourself because it's fun. There is a way that you want to prove yourself for your mom. It's like she believes in you, and in exchange, you prove her right. And I think it's really important that you know something she's already told you seven billion times. You could literally sit on the couch and do nothing, and her love for you is unchanged.

Vivica:            Yeah.

Jessica:            And she believes that you can do great things, and that doesn't mean you have to do anything. She's just believes that you can.

Vivica:            Yeah.

Jessica:            She doesn't believe you should. She believes you can. And there's this sense of obligation and guilt that you have. Yeah. Fucking Capricorn. It's not your fault. Saturn. It's not your fault. Chiron. It's not your fault. You come by it honestly. And we could—if we had 11 months and I was a therapist, we could talk about your family. You know what I mean? We could easily go through your childhood and your parents and be pointing to it, or we can spend five minutes on your birth chart and be like, "Look at fucking Saturn. Look at fucking Chiron. It's doing fucking shit," right?

                        So it's like different ways of holding this are important. The problem with astrology is, yes, I can look at your chart and name all this shit and be like, "Look, look, look." But your question of, "Okay, but how do I do that for myself?"—some things we can't do through astrology.

Vivica:            Yeah.

Jessica:            So I can look at my birth chart, and I have looked at my birth chart. And I can say to myself, "Okay, x, y, and z aspect is the reason why I'm fucked up. A, b, and c aspect is the reason why I'm fucking fabulous." But unless I go to some form of therapy where I have to muddle through it and feel through it, then I don't move through it. Then it's just ideas and intellectualism.

Vivica:            Yeah.

Jessica:            And you are such a kinesthetic creature. Look at all the fucking Leo in there. You really—you do like to run things through your body, don't you?

Vivica:            Yeah.

Jessica:            And so, if you just intellectualize through the tool of astrology, you will find yourself being like, "Well, why am I not getting anywhere?" And it's because what astrology can do is it's like a map, and you point and you're like, "There. There. And this is how you get to there." But then you have to do it.

Vivica:            Yeah.

Jessica:            Then you have to do it. Then you have to do it. I'm going to have you say your full name out loud.

Vivica:            [redacted].

Jessica:            I have to ask you a question. Okay. Wait. I don't want to steal your time.

Vivica:            No, I'm locked in.

Jessica:            Okay, okay, okay.

Vivica:            I'm locked in.

Jessica:            Are you dating somebody?

Vivica:            No.

Jessica:            Do you date?

Vivica:            I've had not great experiences in the last while, so no.

Jessica:            Okay. Have you been in a long-term relationship ever?

Vivica:            Yeah.

Jessica:            Mm-hmm. But when you say in the last while, are you talking about months, years, decades?

Vivica:            Years, last five years.

Jessica:            Five years. Your 30s. Your 30s.

Vivica:            Yeah.

Jessica:            Saturn Return was in the seventh house. It was in your relationship house. Okay. We're going to talk about relationships, okay?

Vivica:            Okay.

Jessica:            When you date, what genders do you date?

Vivica:            They/them, she/hers.

Jessica:            Great. Okay. Shes and theys. Love it. Do you want to be married?

Vivica:            I don't know. I go back and forth a lot.

Jessica:            Mm-hmm. Do you want to be partnered?

Vivica:            Yes.

Jessica:            Okay. First of all, I agree you don't know if you want to be married, because you super do and you super don't.

Vivica:            Yeah.

Jessica:            Yeah. Uranus is opposite your Ascendant. Marriage is like torture. "I have to love you until I'm dead? No." Uranus is like, "I want to choose to love you every day, and on the days when I don't really like you, I want to not feel trapped." Saturn in the seventh is just like, "I need to be married because we need to do the traditional thing, and we need to make a damn fucking promise." Also, jewelry—Leo, Leo, Leo.

Okay. So I just want to say not only do you have that stacked seventh house with Capricorn on the cusp, you have your North Node in the seventh house. This is one of, I think, the more annoying placements for the person who has it because you come into this life with this really strong memory. "I'm going to do me. I'm going to do me. And when I do me, things come together." And then, when we add context to that, you have a lot of intensity that only comes up with people you're dating. It doesn't come up with your friends in the same way. It doesn't come up with your mom. It doesn't come up at work. It only comes up when sex and chemistry get engaged.

And then we have this extra context that you want to be adored. You want to be adored. You don't want too much attention. "Please, don't look at me, but please adore me." You have too many things going on at once. Okay. Sorry. Am I wrong, though? Am I wrong?

Vivica: I'm hit.

Jessica:            Yeah. Yeah.

Vivica: [crosstalk].

Jessica:            That's right. That's right. That's right. That's right. Okay. So all of this stuff is happening at once. But your North Node says learning how to authentically share of yourself is a huge part of your soul's journey. And doing so in a way that is authentic to you, because it's in fucking Aquarius, is the move. And so, when we have your beloved mom, who would do literally anything for you—she would lay her life—she would do anything. I just see her love for you is so awe-inspiring and expansive. And also, she doesn't totally see you as you are. She doesn't totally get you, and she's down for that. She's like, "I don't need to know you to know I love you."

Vivica:            Yeah.

Jessica:            "I don't need to accept you for who you are in order to say you're the best thing that ever happened in the whole, entire world." And that, on the one hand—fuck, who wouldn't kill for that kind of love? And on the other hand, it fucks you up because you meet up with people, and you're just like—at first, it's just like chemistry, all good. All good. Okay. Fine. You're good at the first 15 minutes, right?

Vivica:            Yeah.

Jessica:            Yeah. You're very good at the first 15 minutes. And then what happens is you have to start really making the decision, "Am I going to try to please them and give them what I think they want, or am I going to be myself?" And you run into this wall where you're like, "I don't even know what that means, be myself." Here's the thing. Neptune is in your seventh house. Uranus is on your fucking Descendant. Venus is square Pluto. Yeah, you don't fucking know what—you don't know. You don't know.

Vivica:            I don't know.

Jessica:            You don't know. And if you could practice moving slowly enough with the people you date to be able to be like, "Oh fuck. I’m spinning out. I need to just breathe, not look at the charts, not look at the fucking"—don't look at the fucking astrology. With women, do not look at the astrology. It's going to fuck you up. You don't even need to know what her Sun sign is, like genuinely. Instead, it's about tracking, "Do I feel safe? In the ways I don't feel safe, is it because I'm being challenged or because I'm not safe?" because you are complex, and you need somebody who's into that. You don't need to be less complex, ever. That's not the move.

                        And I'm assuming that what happened when you stopped being open to dating was you thought something was going to work that didn't work.

Vivica:            Yeah, a little bit.

Jessica:            Sideways, sideways, sideways.

Vivica:            Yeah. Sideways, sideways, sideways. Yeah.

Jessica:            Yeah. And did it involve the community? Did other people get involved? Yeah.

Vivica:            Yeah.

Jessica:            So okay. Let me tell you why I knew that, or why—I didn't know—why I assumed that: because Saturn is a fucking bastard, right? Saturn is obsessed with reputation. Saturn's the—it's what we're known for. So, literally, there's only two things people can do to destroy you: fuck up your reputation or abandon you—or both? That's intolerable. Somebody fucking with your public standing is just like—it fucks you up, yeah?

Vivica:            Yeah. Yeah.

Jessica:            Did this person do both of those things or just the one?

Vivica:            Both, but I mean, I don't want to just put it, you know, on them only. There was a lot that transpired that resulted in that. But the public reputation thing is kind of carried through other people, like as recent as a couple months ago. So it's like—

Jessica:            So somebody you went out with or you had vibes with had heard about something?

Vivica:            Yeah, somebody I worked with, which—it feels like a snowball because I met this person through that ex.

Jessica:            Yeah.

Vivica:            So the public reputation thing is not something that I actually realized was so important to me until, all of the sudden, I'm spiraling and thinking, like, "Am I supposed to be recording a TikTok [crosstalk]?"

Jessica:            Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Vivica:            Yeah.

Jessica:            Listen. Venus square Pluto is intensely private, like intensely private. So there is that. There's a secrecy about that. You don't want people knowing your fucking business unless it's not in any way vulnerable. Breakups, messy shit—vulnerable. On top of that, you have a lot of control issues, right?

Vivica:            Yeah.

Jessica:            And they're about your safety. And the way it works with you and your mom is like this is her thing, You don't name shit. If we don't want to see it, we don't name it. If we don't want it to be, we just are like, "Okay, so it's not." And so, when you have somebody—let alone somebody you don't trust, let alone somebody who's mad at you—be like, "This is our dirty laundry," it feels like a betrayal, but also, it destabilizes you because it's just not how things are done, right?

                        The Leo/Capricorn combo that you have in your birth chart can make you a little like, "This is reality. How dare you suggest otherwise?" Can I look at that relationship, you and the ex?

Vivica:            I'm just a little worried about—

Jessica:            Yep.

Vivica:            It feels like they're still actively, like—you know?

Jessica:            They're around you.

Vivica:            Yeah—

Jessica:            Okay.

Vivica:            —and not in a way that I want them to be.

Jessica:            Absolutely. Okay. So, if we do go in the direction of you letting me look at this person, I can give you advice around how to shield yourself. Does that feel right?

Vivica:            Yeah, that feels right.

Jessica:            Okay. Say this person's name.

Vivica:            [redacted].

Jessica:            I just want to make sure I'm seeing this person correctly. They act so nice. They act so nice, but they do have a little bit of a victim complex that makes them aggressive. Am I seeing them correctly?

Vivica:            Mm-hmm.

Jessica:            Yeah. Sorry. Listen. First of all, I know you're not fucking perfect. I see your chart. I know you participated. You know what I mean?

Vivica:            Yeah. [crosstalk].

Jessica:            For the record, let's be clear. It is a very rare event when one person is the bad guy and the other person is a good guy.

Vivica:            Oh, absolutely.

Jessica:            I mean, the amount of stories, the amount of TikToks we've heard where there's a good guy and a bad guy, is some bullshit.

Vivica:            Yeah.

Jessica:            It's spin. Of course you did wrong things. Of course they did wrong things. That's fucking life.

Vivica:            Yeah.

Jessica:            We're just going to talk about what's actively happening on an energy level at this time. This person gets cachet through you. They have an attachment to you, but it's their victim story. Am I clocking this correctly?

Vivica:            I think so.

Jessica:            Okay.

Vivica:            Yeah.

Jessica:            Your vulnerability to it, other than, "Ahh, I can't believe you're talking about me  and shitting on me in public"—your vulnerability to it is there's a part of you that fears that the things that they are saying that are wrong or bad of you are true.

Vivica:            Yeah.

Jessica:            Okay. What it looks like to me—and they're saying you did a thing, and then maybe you kind of did it again, and they're saying that's your whole personality. Am I seeing that correctly?

Vivica:            Yeah.

Jessica:            Yeah. I'm sorry. So you did a thing. It was stupid. It was stupid. It wasn't malicious. It wasn't—I mean, it was shitty a little, but it was just mainly stupid. Am I seeing that correctly?

Vivica:            It was shitty, and I did hurt them. You know?

Jessica:            Yeah.

Vivica:            I don't want to take that away. And so I just think we're just now in this—we've gone to this really crazy communication cycle and then I think—

Jessica:            You're still communicating with them?

Vivica:            Not anymore.

Jessica:            No. Okay. Okay.

Vivica:            Actually, it's kind of funny that February kind of marks a year. Like, Eclipse and everything, it's kind of—

Jessica:            Yeah.

Vivica:            But—and, really, accountability kind of turned into punishment.

Jessica:            Okay. So let's slow you down. And it was them being punishing, right? You were trying to be accountable, and then they got punishing?

Vivica:            Yeah.

Jessica:            I want to be really clear. It's not about sides. But I will say they took the seed of truth—you fucked up; you did something stupid—and they created an identity around it. They did this thing that has a lot of cultural cachet, which is like, "You harmed me. I am victimized by you. And I got a lot of attention for it." And it reiterated an old story they had about themselves anyways, and it makes them feel powerful.

                        And on top of it, it works on you. You crumble at the idea that you're the perpetrator. Let's say you and I were having a fight, and I got so frustrated with you I kicked you in the shin. That's a terrible thing to do. I shouldn't kick people. That's a terrible fucking thing to do. Does that mean I'm your abuser? It's a complicated assessment from one thing.

Vivica:            Yeah.

Jessica:            Somebody could say yes. Somebody else could say no. But the problem is not whether or not I have abused you. The problem is I can't stop thinking about the fact that I kicked you in the shin. Why did I kick you in the shin? All the things in my past that I did when I kicked other people in the shin or I thought about people kicking in the shin—and it's like now it's not even about what I did to you, for me. Now it's about this shame I have for making a mistake and my inability to learn from that mistake because I'm busy punishing myself. And in this example, I'm being you, but I used myself as an example because it's easier to see on me, right?

Vivica:            Yeah.

Jessica:            Okay. So I want to just say, if you can give yourself permission, first of all, to learn from that experience without being punished or punishing yourself for that experience, then, I mean, that's the very best of all things in the world.

Vivica:            Yeah.

Jessica:            In AA, there's the process of amends. I'm sure you've heard of this.

Vivica:            Yes.

Jessica:            But what I want to say to you is that this is a time for making a living amends. So you've done enough fucking apologizing to this person. Now it's just a power struggle. Instead, a living amends is noticing when you get activated in such a way, the next time somebody that you really care about activates you and making different choices—that's a living amends. It's learning. Beating yourself up or taking shit from someone doesn't actually help you be a better person. It doesn't even the scales.

                        And so the problem with—you know, I was like, "Okay. I'm going to give you energy boundaries." The problem is, I'm sorry to say, you don't want boundaries from this person because this person wants to punish you, and you're like, "Yes, I should be punished. You're right." There's this part of you that's like, "I did something wrong," and therefore you are resonating with permeability to their anger, outrage, hurt, whatever it is.

Vivica:            Yeah.

Jessica:            So here's the practice I'm going to give you. The next time it comes up—when I say it, it might be the person themselves, your feelings about it, maybe your awareness that they're psychic-attacking you in some way. Name it and affirm, if you can, "This person is really upset. And I need a boundary with that person, not because I don't have accountability but because I am being accountable to the present." Being accountable to the present means acknowledging, "Wow. I feel so badly about this because I care. And I don't want to waste my care and guilt and shame, but instead use my care to motivate me to evolve."

Vivica:            Yeah.

Jessica:            But you cannot evolve—I'm never going to stop kicking you in the shin because I hate myself. I'm never going to stop kicking you in the shin when I'm activated because I feel guilty about the last person I kicked. Those motivations don't work, right? The motivation that works is coming into alignment with yourself, recognizing, "Oh. Yeah. I get big mad or big emotional and some at times, and I do things from that place sometimes." Right?

Vivica:            Yeah.

Jessica:            You don't do it because you're a bad person. You do it because you get overwhelmed and you do things. But this person is also not perfect, right? You're clear about that? Are you clear about that?

Vivica:            Yes.

Jessica:            Okay.

Vivica:            Yeah, I'm clear about that.

Jessica:            I just wanted to make sure. The other thing is this. You take their name. You write it on a piece of paper. You put that piece of paper in a Ziploc baggie. And when you write their name on a piece of paper, feel the feelings. Feel the feelings. Feel the feelings. Feel the feelings. Feel all the feelings, all of them. And you put that piece of paper in a Ziploc baggie. But it in the freezer. It's called putting a bitch on ice. And this is a witch tip that really works, okay? So this process is of cooling down a dynamic. This is not about absconding with responsibility. It's about taking some of the heat out of it. This can help you to not run into people. It can help you to, again, cool things down.

                        When Neptune comes for your Ascendant—it's in a couple years, not a million years. It'll be in your 30s, but it's coming. You will learn boundaries—the hard way or the very hard way, TBD, because Neptune square the Ascendant is an uncomfortable way to learn boundaries. So my advice to you is to understand that, first of all, the two of you didn't have great boundaries with each other on an emotional level, yeah?

Vivica:            Yes.

Jessica:            Yeah. And so the mess that happened and the mess that has remained is an extension of not having good emotional boundaries with yourselves and with each other. Work on that now. Work on that now. And if you work on that now, then, when Neptune comes for your Ascendant, it'll be a little easier to deal with. Now, I actually think dating is great for you. You're a great person to date when you spend enough time alone.

Vivica:            A lot of what you're saying is—like, it resonates. And I know for myself, I'm like, "Enough." I feel like there's this attachment on both sides. And the thing is I want to live my life, and I know that it always comes back to the things that I want to do in the world. But I'm like, "I want to do good things in my community," but I feel like if I don't remove this attachment, this relationship, before they hinder me doing that work, it's going to hinder me from finding love. And I feel like I did some wrong, but why am I not allowed?

Jessica:            Yeah. This is really important because, I mean, you didn't do anything that terrible. I mean, I'm looking at this psychically, and I am not seeing anything so terrible. Am I missing something?

Vivica:            No. And that's the thing. It was hurtful, and I know that I was reacting from a place of hurt. And I wasn't looking to hurt them, but I just, like, in this spirit. And because of the [indiscernible 00:45:06] of defending, I guess, whatever other factors, that triggered something in them, that was deep.

Jessica:            Okay. So let me just slow you down.

Vivica:            Yeah.

Jessica:            What you've just revealed validates what I was saying about this person. You triggered them, and they have treated that trigger like a trauma. They have said to you, "You talked about boiling my bunny"—that's a reference you don't get because you're too young. "You talked about boiling my bunny, and it reminded me of the time that somebody actually boiled my bunny. Now you've murdered my favorite pet." This is their problem, that they have a hard time separating the difference between triggers and traumas. That's not your problem.

                        Your problem is you're responsible for everything. You're supposed to be perfect. And so now you have this person screaming from the rooftops that you're imperfect and you are irresponsible, and it's fucking you up. You don't need to let them go. You need to let go of your attachment to perfection. You need to let go of your attachment to, "I did a bad thing; therefore, I am a bad person. I made a mistake; therefore, I am irreparable."

                        It's more about, on an energy level, on an emotional level, allowing your ex to be big mad and big hurt. You've said what you needed to say. You've done what you needed to do. And it will remain forever imperfect. And they get to have their emotions. They get to hold it however they want. They get to plaster your face on the wall of their trauma room if that's what they want to do. And I don't want to—I'm kind of teasing, but also, this person's really done something that is aggressive, I would say. I know that's not how you're holding it, but that is how I'm seeing it.

Vivica:            No, they have.

Jessica:            It's very aggressive, but it's like victim aggression. And so you're vulnerable to it because this is kind of like your mom can do no wrong. You mom can do no wrong. Your mom could do anything, and you'd be like, "But there's a reason. But there's a context." And so, when you love somebody, you have this way—I mean, there's a lot of people you don't like, and you're like, "Fuck them. They did something wrong." It's not a problem for you. But as soon as somebody gets into love, it's very hard for you to say, "They are suffering, and I'm not there to fix it."

Vivica:            Yeah.

Jessica:            The only thing I want to encourage you to be accountable to at this time is how you hold how you feel. That's actually the move right now. And the truth of the matter is you have a Venus square to Pluto; you're going to have bad breakups sometimes. I mean, you know, you're going to have fucked-up fights, and dating somebody who doesn't like fighting is a bad idea. Sorry. I mean, I know you would prefer that, because Neptune is opposite your Ascendant. But sometimes you're like—you do your little fawn thing. And then sometimes your Venus in Leo squares Pluto and your Mars in fucking anaretic Taurus, and you're just like, "The fuck?" And you just lay it down. And some people are going to say that's terrible. I'm not. I mean, I do way more than that, and I don't think I'm terrible.

                        There's different ways of holding anger, and there's different ways of fighting. I think, for you, there is a way that if you choose to truly share of yourself, like you're truly sharing of yourself with other people, then they get to know that sometimes you don't fight fair. And I'm seeing this correctly, that that's essentially what the fucking problem was? Is that right?

Vivica:            Yeah.

Jessica:            Sometimes you don't fight fair. Sometimes you just, like, "Oh. If I stick a knife in here, will I hit soft matter? Yes." Fuck. You got a lot of [indiscernible 00:48:53]. You know what I mean? Pluto is in the mix. Does that make you a bad person? No. It makes you a person who has to learn how to self-regulate so you don't hurt yourself and others. And if you've met someone at the age of 35 who doesn't hurt anyone ever, or at the age of anything that doesn't ever hurt anyone ever, then you've not really gotten to know the person.

Vivica:            Yeah.

Jessica:            Period. Yeah. It's about recognizing that sometimes you're not compatible with people, and sometimes you're compatible with people for a thing but not for all the things. And that's your biggest vulnerability. You're like, "Ooh. The thing." Right? It's like, "I love the kitchen of this apartment. I'll take it," but then you hate the bathroom, and you hate the bedrooms, and you hate the living room, and you don't like the street. So you date like that a little bit. You actually don't take apartments like that. You have better boundaries with apartments, it looks like.

                        But the thing I want to kind of ground you into is, if you accept yourself, if you say to yourself, "Oh. I need a partner that I can fight with sometimes because that's real. I need a person who doesn't walk away or shut things down when shit gets real. I need a person who has a capacity to center me and also who's independent"—

Vivica:            Yep.

Jessica:            —right—you get to be who you are. And don't ever tell yourself you're too much. That's bananas. It's really just about accepting yourself and seeking a glove to your hand. You don't need a fan. You need somebody who fits, who matches, right? And I was about to say something, and then my guides were like, "No. That's not right." I was about to say—and I'm sure you're going to end up partnered. But then what my guides just showed me really quickly was, if you don't hide, if you—and you could very easily hide. That's what you're doing right now, is you're hiding.

Vivica:            Yeah.

Jessica:            You're hiding behind your mom's skirts a little bit. You know what I mean? Sorry to bring up your mom so much, but that's what's up. That's what time it is.

Vivica:            [crosstalk].

Jessica:            Yeah. Yeah.

Vivica:            She 'd love it.

Jessica:            Okay. Great. She would love it. Okay, because there's a way that—and when I say that, I mean you have love, and you have so much wonderfulness in your life.

Vivica:            Yeah, I do.

Jessica:            And so it's easy for you to be like, "Okay. Well, that feels bad, so I'm just not going to deal with it right now." And what I want to say is don't do that. Go on dates. Meet people. If there's a spark, notice how the spark lands in your body. Notice what it sets off. Don't look at their astrology. And just let it in. I want to just say, when I first named the stuff about the boundary with the ex, your energy field was like, "No. I can't ever stop being sad and contrite for what I did. I have to feel bad."

I really saw this got really activated in you, but now it's settled. And I see, like, an energy boundary. It's not a wall. It's not defensive. It's like, "Oh. I actually—I can"—I just want to validate that. You just moved something. And that's your story. When you hold space for yourself, when you allow for things to fall into, in a way, the spiritual truth, you're like, "Oof. Solid."

Vivica:            Yeah. I don't talk about it. The way that I am talking about it is like I kind of feel—

Jessica:            Yeah.

Vivica: Yeah.

Jessica:            I still think you should put her on ice, for whatever it's worth. And I need to contextualize this to say this is not a punishment. I know I said put a bitch on ice because I think it sounds funny, but it's not like a mean thing, and it's not a punishment. It's a boundary.

Vivica:            Yeah.

Jessica:            Yeah. It's just cooling things down. It's a boundary. And you know I'm obsessed boundaries. You know I'm obsessed with boundaries.

Vivica:            You love them.

Jessica:            Yeah. But you should be obsessed with boundaries, too, because your chart is just like, "Boundary? What's a boundary? I know rules. What are boundaries? I know decrees. What are boundaries?" And so what you're dealing with with this person is a really good articulation of why rules and decrees don't always work, because they're not flexible. And in this situation, it's taking adaptability, flexibility to be able to say, "I can own what I did and not live with one bad action, not identify with the three shittiest things I did in a relationship. I can be accountable and not punish myself, not be carceral."

Vivica:            Yes.

Jessica:            So where you live, you're near the water, right? It's not an ocean, but there's a big-ass body of water you could go to?

Vivica:            Yes.

Jessica:            I'm being shown that it would be—I can't tell what the ritual is, and it looks like you actually have a spiritual practice that you can basically adapt to what I'm about to say. But I think it's time to throw some of this into the water. Does that make sense to you about your spiritual practice?

Vivica:            Yeah. I did the water a lot.

Jessica:            Okay. Okay. It's about releasing your attachment to the worst moments and the worst things so that there's room for accountability, adaptability, and Saturn governs guilt, and it also governs maturity. And maturity isn't guilty; it's learn from its mistakes. How do you accumulate wisdom without fucking up? You don't. You know?

Vivica:            Yeah.

Jessica:            Every person that you've ever met who you're like, "Oh, that person is wise," or whatever—yeah, they have made a myriad of mistakes. They have done terrible things. But they've learned, right?

Vivica:            Yeah.

Jessica:            So you know this, but then you forget this when you are mad at yourself or when you're sat at yourself. So the ocean—I know it's not exactly the ocean where you are, but the—ocean-ish is a place where you can kind of let it go and kind of release. So I'm seeing it's just about time. And you know we have a Lunar Eclipse in a couple days. So the Eclipse—the Sun in Pisces will be in your eighth house, which means that Moon—values-based emotional release. Oof, perfect timing. Ooh, this reading was meant to be.

Vivica:            Yeah.

Jessica:            And I know we didn't exactly focus on how to—I mean, it's like I can't give you a reading about how to be an astrologer who can interpret your own chart in times of crisis because that's like—I don't know—spend like 20 years-=

Vivica:            That's a whole other thing.

Jessica:            Yeah. Spend 20 years—

Vivica:            Yeah. Of course [crosstalk].

Jessica:            —doing nothing but this, and yeah. But hopefully we've gotten to the things that needed to be got.

Vivica:            Yeah. I think I've been rocked, and I feel like I have all these community relationship things that are in the way of me doing the things I live my life for. And I think I'm on the precipice of something, and I need to move through. And the Cancer Rising's been having a bit of a stretch.

Jessica:            Yes. Yeah, for reals. I mean, a Cancer Rising is not an easy—to be so sensitive all the time, but then to have your Descendant in shitty fucking Capricorn, come on. That's a rough deal. I'm not—

Vivica:            I double-checked.

Jessica:            Yeah. And also, your capacity for love—it shines through. Your capacity for care—people can feel it. It drives you. And also, I'm going to give you a slight reframe before I let you go.

Vivica:            Yes.

Jessica:            Your relationships aren't holding you back. Your attachments to your relationships or your attachments to the role you're telling yourself or you're being told that you play in your relationships—that's what's holding you back. It's not relationships. And you want to make sure of that, because your South Node in the first house will tell you, "People hold me back. People are the problem." And that's not the case. It's not being true to yourself, not centering authenticity and showing up. Right?

Vivica:            Yeah.

Jessica:            So sometimes the most authentic way you can show up with a person is being like, "You are an acquaintance that I work around. And I do not do much more than be like, 'Oh my God. Your outfit's cute.'" Right? There needs to be people like that in our lives sometimes. Giving yourself permission to be like, "This is the boundary. I get to be expansive with this person in this tiny, little way, but I don't let them in let them in." And that's not not letting people slow you down or distract you. It's having boundaries.

Vivica:            Yeah.

Jessica:            Okay. Good. I'm so glad that we made this happen and—

Vivica:            Yeah. Me, too.

Jessica:            Yeah.

Vivica:            I'm very, very grateful. Thank you so much.

Jessica:            So my pleasure.