Welcome to Ghost of a Podcast. I'm your host, Jessica Lanyadoo. I'm an astrologer, psychic medium, and animal communicator, and I'm going to give you your weekly horoscope and no-bullshit mystical advice for living your very best life.

Jessica:            P.J., welcome to the podcast. What would you like a reading about?

P.J.:                 Oh, wow. Thank you so much for having me, Jessica. Really excited. I would like a reading about my love nature and my sexuality. I've had very few relationships, far and few between in my life. They've been very intense, tumultuous, but not very long-lasting.

Jessica:            And when you say relationships, do you mean just romantic and sexual, or do you mean—

P.J.:                 Yes.

Jessica:            So you have friends; you just don't have romantic relationships?

P.J.:                 Yeah, not very often. I'm pretty much a lone wolf, mostly. I've had a couple relationships for about—nothing over two years. And the themes, those Plutonian/Neptunian themes, always come in really strong, you know, a lot of triangulation, a lot of fantasy, a lot of, also, just jealousy, to be honest with you, and not feeling good enough.

Jessica:            So you feeling jealous or them feeling jealous, or both?

P.J.:                 Me. Me, I would say. And yeah, the other thing—I guess I'm what you call a baby Bisexual or baby Gay. I've always been attracted to women, and I don't know if it's my Uranus in the twelfth, but I've never really wanted to be out about it. Recently, I came out to my family in that way, but it's sort of like, okay, now you've done that come-out; what are you going to do about it? So [crosstalk]—

Jessica:            Have you hooked up with or dated women yet?

P.J.:                 Just kissed and had, like, a couple of flirtations. It's very intimidating, and I get very, like—like I almost can't breathe, you know? And I hold my breath, and I just feel really, like, "Ahh." So, yeah, I just want to kind of understand my love nature, understand the best way to operate optimally, and I would like a relationship, but I just— I don't know how. It's hard to see how that would happen with just the deep feelings that I have and just all of this Plutonian/Neptunian stuff. Like, is there hope, or should I just, like, you know—

Jessica:            Oh, yeah, there's hope. Oh, yeah, there's hope.

P.J.:                 —go be a monk somewhere?

Jessica:            No, no, no, no, no. Don't be a monk. Don't do that. Okay. I've got lots of things to say, but before I say the things, you say you want a relationship. What is a relationship?

P.J.:                 Well, a partnership, I would say, is someone that I'm partnered with in my life, a companion that cares about me; I care about them—just like a—someone who's there consistently and always, and we live our lives together in tandem. We integrate our lives. And yeah, that's what I would say—supportive and companionship and lots of—for me, I love passion and that kind of a thing, friendship as well.

Jessica:            Monogamy?

P.J.:                 I want it.

Jessica:            Okay. Yeah. No, we're only talking about you.

P.J.:                 Yeah.

Jessica:            Okay. So monogamy is part of the picture.

P.J.:                 Mm-hmm.

Jessica:            Okay. So—

P.J.:                 But I believe that—and that's why I think it'll be really interesting to get a reading from you, because I just think that—I think there are things that I hide from myself sometimes, you know? So it would just be interesting to see an outside perspective because when you say monogamy, maybe I wouldn't, you know, [crosstalk].

Jessica:            Oh, yeah, yeah. No. Yes, monogamy, I would say as your astrologer.

P.J.:                 Oh. Okay.

Jessica:            Absolutely. Neptune conjunct the Ascendant—you love the idea of polyamory, but it's too much work on boundaries. And then you have Venus opposite your Pluto and your Moon. What are you doing trying to share people?

P.J.:                 Exactly. That's the instinct.

Jessica:            No, no, no, no. No, no, no, no, no. You're right. No. I mean, listen. If you had nothing else going on in your life, if you were independently wealthy, everything was easy, and you wanted to work on your jealousy issues and center it as the most important thing in your life, go for it. But if you're trying to live a life, it's too much labor. But I was more asking because I was trying—because I took notes, and I just wanted to include that in my notes. I'm trying to gauge what your thoughts are, and let me tell you what you said.

P.J.:                 Yeah. I'm big on monogamy.

Jessica:            Yeah. Monogamy is good for you. I'm with you on that. But here's the thing that you described. You said partnership, companionship, consistency, and you used multiple words to say those things, right?

P.J.:                 Yeah.

Jessica:            What you talked about was merging.

P.J.:                 Yeah.

Jessica:            So we're not sharing your birth data because we respect privacy. But in your birth chart, you have a Moon/Pluto conjunction—and so tight, it's not even 20 minutes apart. It's so tight. And it's more widely opposite to your Venus. And so the words you used to describe what a relationship is were all Moon/Pluto words. They were merged. Basically, you said, "I want to merge with somebody," in several different ways.

P.J.:                 Yes.

Jessica:            And I believe that that is true. And I also believe that the other thing that's true is you don't want to merge. You don't like someone on your jock. You get really uncomfortable when people get too close.

P.J.:                 Yeah.

Jessica:            When there's conflict and problems, you want to burn everything to the ground. You want somebody to back 100 percent of the way off when you don't want them to stay present and validate and fix things.

P.J.:                 Yeah.

Jessica:            So there's that. And we're going to come back to that, okay?

P.J.:                 Okay.

Jessica:            What I'm going to actually start with is dating. The only way to start dating someone and to have that feeling of partnership and consistency is to have that kind of—I think the common—the cultural way of saying it is a love-bombing-style relationship where you're with somebody, and you go from flirting to being partnered. That's when, most of the time, it's not based on trust; it's based on passion. It's based on vibes. And you're very intuitive. You have a Neptune conjunction to the Ascendant. You've got that strong Pluto/Moon. You've got Jupiter/Mars conjunction, and you have a Sun/Mercury conjunction in Pisces.

                        All of these things indicate in different ways how intuitive you are. The "but" is—it's a big "but." The "but" is, when it comes to really getting to know someone, dating someone, you get twisted up in 50 different kinds of knots. I didn't know there were 50 types of knots, but you found them.

P.J.:                 [crosstalk].

Jessica:            50 different types of knots. And so your intuition is really loud, but it says contradicting things, and it's talking all at once.

P.J.:                 Yes.

Jessica:            So it's not useful. It's not whether it's accurate or not. That's not relevant. It's just not useful to you in the first, I would say, nine months.

P.J.:                 Damn.

Jessica:            Sorry. Yeah.

P.J.:                 I'm glad you're saying that, though, because it is—that's exactly it. It's paralyzing. It's just like—

Jessica:            Yeah. Yeah.

P.J.:                 Oy.

Jessica:            Exactly. Exactly. And so, for you, the annoying thing is that the best way to build actual partnership—not love bomb and merge, but actual partnership where there's trust and consistency, and also enough trust for space—because you need space. You say you want to be with someone all the time. I'm looking at your chart. I don't believe that. Are you kidding me? Mars/Jupiter conjunction—if somebody wants to be with you all the time and they don't have something else going on, you're just like, "What the fuck is wrong with them?"

P.J.:                 Yeah.

Jessica:            And then, if they're trying to get in the way of your friendships, you're going to be embarrassed by what they're wearing. You're going to be embarrassed by how they're acting. You care, right?

P.J.:                 Mm-hmm. I do.

Jessica:            You do.

P.J.:                 And I think I project it—what do they say when you project it outside of yourself? So I typically attract very Uranian, Martian people who I don't have that issue with.

Jessica:            So they kind of embody—they're out running around, doing all the things.

P.J.:                 Yes. Yes.

Jessica:            So here's the good news about that. For as long as they're inaccessible, your intimacy issues are never your fault, Pisces. You see what I'm saying? And the challenging thing about that Piscean, that Sun/Mercury conjunction in Pisces, that Neptune conjunction to your Ascendant, is it's really hard when you feel this overwhelming, devotional yearning to own your own agency and responsibility. And that's why these—Neptune and Pisces are both associated with martyrdom and victimhood because it's like it feels like the ground is collapsing underneath you. And so it's hard to be like, "Oh, wait. I'm actually choosing someone who's not available. I tell myself I want somebody who's really available to build something, and again, I'm centering someone who's not available."

                        Now, listen. You date men, and it's—I mean, you got the cultural layers of it, the systemic layers of it. It's like you don't have to have a complicated chart to have a hard time finding a man who wants to commit. I mean—do you know what I mean?

P.J.:                 Right.

Jessica:            We don't want to be ridiculous—

P.J.:                 You just have to be breathing.

Jessica:            Exactly. But now we've got the girl thing going.

P.J.:                 Yeah.

Jessica:            And you're into—do you feel attracted to women? Do you also feel attracted to other genders? Or does it feel more like girlies?

P.J.:                 You know, it feels open. It feels very open, actually. Yeah.

Jessica:            That feels right.

P.J.:                 It's open. Yeah.

Jessica:            That feels right. Okay. So I'm going to have you say your full name out loud.

P.J.:                 Okay. [redacted].

Jessica:            Oh my God. There's so much chaos on the topic of love in your family line.

P.J.:                 Yeah.

Jessica:            And there's these themes of being overwhelmed by a partner. As I look at you energetically, I'm starting to feel all of the chaotic data overload of so, so many relationships around you. You are so good at tracking not necessarily the narratives of the people around you, but definitely the energies of the people around you. You really—

P.J.:                 Yes.

Jessica:            Oh my God. And so there's a great value to you in catching vibes with somebody whose energy is just running out the door because it actually doesn't drain on you. You know what I mean?

P.J.:                 Yeah.

Jessica:            You don't feel exhausted or put upon by their energy.

P.J.:                 Yes. That's—

Jessica:            That's what it is, right?

P.J.:                 Wow.

Jessica:            And whenever I see—you hear me use the term "maladjusted coping mechanism." Whenever I hear about one or I see one, it's like, okay, here you are, beautiful, smart, dynamic Mars/Jupiter conjunction. You like sex.

P.J.:                 Very much.

Jessica:            Yeah. Yeah. So why is the dating not happening? So then I start to look for, okay, well, what are you getting out of the problem? What is the thing you're getting from the problem? And these men so far—you know what the problem is at the very beginning, so you like that. It gives you a sense of safety. It's like, "I understand the problem. I can get ahead of this."

P.J.:                 Yeah.

Jessica:            And then, on an energetic level, you have the advantage of not feeling pressed by their energies. And so there's this energetic level upon which you don't need to have boundaries, which you don't really do anyways, but—I'm going to use the word "should"—but should. But you should. But you don't have to with these guys until they're actively hurting your feelings, and then it's more like, "I have to put out a fire," and less like, "I have to tend to the nuanced and subtle boundaries of my needs and preferences."

P.J.:                 That makes perfect sense.

Jessica:            Yeah. And having a Moon/Pluto conjunction, also Pluto opposite Venus—you're really good at putting out fires. Earthquake? The whole town collapsed? Cool. It's your fucking thing. But the subtle, nuanced needs of your preferences, of your boundaries—that's where you start to fall apart because you're like, "Well, what are my needs? What are even boundaries?" And it really fucks you up. So, with these guys, you don't have to worry about any of that because they're not going to listen to fucking boundaries. They're not even there. They're here, and then they're gone, and then they're promising you something, and then they forgot.

P.J.:                 Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Yeah. Yeah, very [indiscernible 00:12:48].

Jessica:            I'm so sorry.

P.J.:                 It's okay.

Jessica:            Now, here's the thing. Could that happen with women? Fuck yeah, that could happen with women. Could you, in all of your power—because you have so much power in your chart—manifest a woman who pulls the same bullshit as a man? Yes, you can. Now—

P.J.:                 I get the fuckgirl, huh?

Jessica:            Yeah. They exist. They are just as much fun and just as much of a waste of time.

P.J.:                 Get the shame.

Jessica:            Exactly. You can get the shame. You can get the shame. And if you know, you know. And if you don't, I don't know where you've been for the last many years. Okay. So, that said, the reason why you get all—I just see you're like, "Oh my God. I want this. Whoa. I don't know if I want this," with women—is because of the ways in which, very broadly speaking, we are so different in how we relate. So somebody's actually making eye contact with you. Somebody's actually listening to you.

                        You have a lifetime—because you're now 45; you're a grown-ass adult. So you have a lifetime of intimacies with women. They might not have been romantic or sexual, but you know what it means to have a conflict with a woman and to get over it.

P.J.:                 Mm-hmm.

Jessica:            You know what it means to have real intimacy grow over time with a woman in a different way than you know with men.

P.J.:                 Definitely.

Jessica:            Yeah, because it looks like most of your—

P.J.:     Yeah. When all the other stuff isn't in there, I'm fine. I'm good. It's not—yeah.

Jessica:            You're good. Yeah. It's easy. Well, not easy, but you're clear about the boundaries and expectations in a different way.

P.J.:                 That's correct. Mm-hmm.

Jessica:            With women, you run the risk of being more accountable to yourself.

P.J.:                 That's deep.

Jessica:            Yeah. So, of course, do I want everyone to be Gay? I'm not going to lie to you. I do. I do. I think everyone should give it a run because it's real good. It's real good times. It's also just—outside of the homophobia, life is a million times easier, in my experience, in my perspective.

P.J.:                 I bet.

Jessica:            But also, you have Mars at 2 degrees of Virgo, which means Uranus is coming up on that Mars—form a square. If there's ever a good time to have fucking Gay sex and Gay flirting, it is a Uranus square to your Mars. Get weird. Get weird.

P.J.:                 Okay. Okay.

Jessica:            That said, do you know how to date? I will preface this by saying I already know the answer.

P.J.:                 No.

Jessica:            No, you don't. Yes. Agreed.

P.J.:                 God, no. Like a frat boy, like a 12-year-old frat boy.

Jessica:            Yeah. Yeah, you're—right.

P.J.:                 Like, "Let's listen to music. Let's dance."

Jessica:            So let's talk about dating. Were you raised with religion?

P.J.:                 Yeah.

Jessica:            Yeah. And it looks like it was like a—so you have Saturn in the ninth house, and you've also got Jupiter in there. But that Saturn is like religion—there is love of God that you were raised with, but primarily, it was like morality, community, structure.

P.J.:                 Yes. Yes.

Jessica:            It was like the rules of how to live, right?

P.J.:                 Mm-hmm.

Jessica:            And you have the North Node in Leo intercepted your eighth house. So your soul has actually come here to find love and passion through spirituality and a deeply felt, personal, private experience of spirituality—

P.J.:                 Interesting.

Jessica:            —as opposed to structure and religion as the way to access divinity and a sense of self. This is directly connected to this question at hand. You have a North Node in Leo. You're at 45 years old. And so you're at this point for the last five years where you can feel the burden of hiding your heart from others by having relationships that are essentially Aquarian, aloof, all over the fucking place, never really getting to it, but hanging out around it. Right?

P.J.:                 Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

Jessica:            That North Node in Leo wants you to experience the fullness of your heart and to be brave around that. But it's in fucking the eighth house, so it's like—what do they call—cumming is like the little death, right? It's like being willing to be truly vulnerable with somebody else. But here's the fucking question. Is it possible to ever be truly vulnerable with a fuckboy, with somebody who you know is on their way out, with somebody who you know how they're going to hurt you before they've done it? I would say it is possible to experience vulnerability in yourself in that situation, but that's not all that vulnerability is. Vulnerability is an exchange in the context of love and intimacy, right?

P.J.:                 Mm-hmm.

Jessica:            And so what you have done is a really good job of protecting yourself from having to belong to yourself while loving someone else and being loved.

P.J.:                 Wow. That's deep.

Jessica:            I know you fuck hard with astrology, but I'm not going to use too much astrology language. I'm just going to get to the meat, okay?

P.J.:                 Mm-hmm.

Jessica:            You have such an intense capacity for emotion. And you're not great with boundaries. And so a way that you've learned to navigate your safety and welfare is by being careful about where you land with other people. Not putting yourself in a situation where you need a boundary is easier than trying to have the boundary.

P.J.:                 Mm-hmm.

Jessica:            So there is a way that you have kind of left behind some of your very true and deeply held needs around passion and closeness and true heart connection as a way to protect yourself from what you don't know how to do, which is having healthy boundaries, which includes in the first—I'm going to say nine months—pacing yourself. This is something you're terrible at, like awful at. Am I right?

P.J.:                 Oh God, yeah.

Jessica:            Terrible.

P.J.:                 Like, come on.

Jessica:            Yeah. "Let's go, let's go, let's go." You're good at going. Listen. You're good at casual sex. I want to encourage you—get out there. Get it done. Go home. You're somebody who can break out—

P.J.:                 Really?

Jessica:            Yes.

P.J.:                 Oh.

Jessica:            Here's the rule. You can't think they have potential. You can't like them like them. And you can't sleep in the same bed as them.

P.J.:                 Oh my. Okay.

Jessica:            I know. That's not who you have sex with, is it? I just described the criteria for you to have sex with.

P.J.:                 Yeah.

Jessica:            Yeah.

P.J.:                 Yeah, no. No.

Jessica:            You are somebody who—

P.J.:                 I like to get cuddly and [crosstalk].

Jessica:            And get intimate, right?

P.J.:                 The next morning. Yeah.

Jessica:            Yep.

P.J.:                 I like that.

Jessica:            So that stuff is Neptune. Your Neptune, your Pisces stuff, is not casual. Mars/Jupiter conjunction—casual.

P.J.:                 Okay.

Jessica:            So you can get in there, do something athletic with somebody—and when I say somebody, I mean some body, just some body—as long as you don't bring Neptune into the mix. So it can't be cuddling.

P.J.:                 Right.

Jessica:            It can't be seeing their potential. You want to see their potential for athleticism. You don't want to see their potential for getting it.

P.J.:                 Okay.

Jessica:            So, if you are in a place where you're like, "I'm really impatient in my life," get out there. Get some. Go home.

P.J.:                 Okay.

Jessica:            If you're in a place, by contrast, where you actually want to explore the potential for cultivating a relationship that's intimate with someone, I would say—it's very annoying, but I would say sex is not great for you at the beginning.

P.J.:                 Yeah, because it's just—I'm gone.

Jessica:            You fall for it. You fall for it. Yeah. Totally. I mean, I do think you can have truly casual sex. But again, you can't have casual sex with someone you're developing feelings for.

P.J.:                 Yeah. No, you're totally right.

Jessica:            That's a different thing. Yeah.

P.J.:                 Yeah, because they're all over—their energy is all over me.

Jessica:            You've merged.

P.J.:                 Yeah. Yeah.

Jessica:            Pluto opposite Venus also—you have a Moon and Pluto opposition to Venus, and those aspects make you have an attachment to love. So it's not just, "Oh, they're cute. We're vibing. What's going to happen?" It's, "They're cute. We're vibing. It has to happen. What are they thinking about me? Do they like me? Did they think it was weird when I did this?"

P.J.:                 Yes.

Jessica:            You go into this approval-mindedness.

P.J.:                 So annoying. Yeah.

Jessica:            Yeah. Yeah. It sucks for you.

P.J.:                 And it's so—what's the word? Pluto—ruminate. Ruminate. Ruminate.

Jessica:            Ruminating. Yeah, yeah, yeah. There's nowhere to go with it other than give away your power. And so the practice is—do you have any addictions? Do you drink too much or do any drugs too much?

P.J.:                 Yeah.

Jessica:            Okay, because you want to treat this like you would treat an addiction because this is ultimately about practicing staying present with yourself when your impulses are like, "No, no, no, no, no. Go over there. Go over here. Go over here. Make it move faster so I can crash and burn as quick as possible." And so I'm going to give you very strict advice about dating.

P.J.:                 Okay.

Jessica:            And you don't have to be strict about it, but I'm a Capricorn, so I'm going to give strict advice.

P.J.:                 Bring it.

Jessica:            Do you date online? Do you meet people online?

P.J.:                 Mm-hmm.

Jessica:            Okay.

P.J.:                 Exclusively, really—

Jessica:            Okay.

P.J.:                 —because I'm kind of weird and shy and, like, [indiscernible 00:22:17].

Jessica:            You're introverted enough, right? You're—

P.J.:                 Mm-hmm.

Jessica:            Yeah. It's like you're really good when you're out and around people, but it's not like you're like, "Ooh, I need to get into the world of people and be at a party." That just drains you, right?

P.J.:                 Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

Jessica:            So okay. Here it is. Have a limit on how many times you can DM with someone before you meet them—

P.J.:                 Okay.

Jessica:            —because otherwise, you start falling for that fucking potential. Fantasy—Neptune conjunction to the Ascendant. Stories based on fantasy—Sun conjunction to Mercury and Pisces. None of that. I would say three to six messages. That doesn't mean—okay. So let's say you're chatting. You start vibing, and you're chatting. Okay. We'll call that one message, unless it goes on for an hour. And now you're on your second message. Yes, I see you. I see you can waste time in fantasy. And I'm a Capricorn asshole, so I'm going to say "waste time in fantasy."

P.J.:                 Years.

Jessica:            Years. Yes. But we're going to nip that shit in the bud. So you make a decision about how many hours you can text with someone before you say, "Okay. Let's meet." We get to the second rule. You meet them as frequently as possible during the day. You don't need to be meeting no fucking stranger dangers at night. But you don't need that. Do you usually meet people at night?

P.J.:                 Yeah. I mean, usually, yeah, people meet after—for a drink or something like that.

Jessica:            Yeah. Yeah.

P.J.:                 So why do you say not at night? Just because it's creepier at night or the creeps come out at night?

Jessica:            No. No. It's because you're a damn romantic to your core. So, if there is setting sun, if there is a fucking single twinkle in the sky, if there is a tiny cocktail, you're fucking toast.

P.J.:                 Mm-hmm.

Jessica:            So I'm trying to set you up for critical faculties.

P.J.:                 You want me to go on coffee dates. Oh God.

Jessica:            No, no. Not coffee. Not coffee, because actually, your system doesn't do coffee.

P.J.:                 No, I don't.

Jessica:            I'm actually going to say ice cream dates. I'm going to say walk around the park dates.

P.J.:                 Park. Okay.

Jessica:            I'm going to talk about you going on dates that are brief, that are public, that give you a little bit of the fucking romance you need, but this is an informational date. You're just figuring out whether or not they smell good. You're just figuring out whether or not the vibes vibe in person. Your chart speaks to—if they show up and they have the wrong footwear, that's going to bother you.

P.J.:                 What shows you that—I'm curious—in the chart?

Jessica:            It is your Pluto opposition to Venus. You're very particular about the fucking details of how they are dressed, right?

P.J.:                 I am. I didn't realize that that's what that was.

Jessica:            Mm-hmm.

P.J.:                 Oh, I'm so—that's also why I lone wolf—I'm really particular.

Jessica:            You're particular.

P.J.:                 Very, very particular. I'd rather be without.

Jessica:            Yes. It's burdensome to you. So, if you meet up with them and they are just so off-brand for you—like, you just can't, for whatever reason, whether it's substantive or superficial—I don't care—then okay. You were in the park for 15 minutes. And what you're going to do for this first date where it's informational is you are going to have memorized three to five exit statements. It's not personal. It's not personal. It's being able to say to somebody, "You know what? I'm really glad we met up. I hope you have a great day. I've gotta go," or being able to say, "This was really fun. I look forward to connecting with you again, but I've gotta go," or saying, "I'm really glad we met up. And I don't think we're quite a match, but I know that you're going to meet someone great. Bye." You can make up whatever you like. It doesn't have to be mean is what I'm saying.

P.J.:                 Right. Okay.

Jessica:            But if you come up with these kind of statements in advance, then it's not going to feel like, "What do I have to say?" because I know that you can be sharp in your own way, but Venus/Moon opposition—you hate being mean.

P.J.:                 Yeah.

Jessica:            Mercury/Sun conjunction in Pisces—you never want to reject anyone. So you will waste your fucking day going on walks with some person you don't vibe with—and you knew in the first three minutes—and ruin your fucking weekend.

P.J.:                 Totally.

Jessica:            So don't do that. This is the homework, is you're going to memorize three to five—and the reason why I say three to five is because the same one is not going to work for every situation.

P.J.:                 Right. Options.

Jessica:            And then you reject. Or if you're like, "Oh my God. I'm catching vibes on this person. I'm feeling this person," Then you can say, "I really enjoyed this. I've gotta go, but I hope we can do it again because I really enjoyed this." There's power in saying no on the first date. I'm trying to get you to say no, and even to someone you like, because that Piscean/Neptunian thing in your chart makes it so that you feel like if you say no to someone, you're rejecting them. But a great way of having a real relationship is not only by saying yes to them; it's by saying yes to you in relationship-building.

                        That North Node in Leo—you need to love yourself so fucking fiercely that, of course, you're going to tell stranger danger off the internet that you want to have sex with that you've gotta go now and you'll see them tomorrow, because you're more important than they are in your life at this time. This is a practice in recognizing the amount of space someone deserves in your body, and I mean this on an energy level, not on a—I'm not talking about sex. I'm talking about how much space in your energy body they deserve.

                        No sleepover. No proper fucking for the first three dates. These are my rules. You don't have to adhere to them, but these are my rules. And I will say that the reason why, again, is about boundaries and pace. It's not about sex at all.

P.J.:                 Right.

Jessica:            And I think that what you're not used to is articulating your preferences.

P.J.:                 Yes. It is so hard to say anything.

Jessica:            Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Yeah, even—

P.J.:                 I have so many notes where I write, like in my Notes app, what I'm going to say.

Jessica:            And then you don't say it?

P.J.:                 No. Sometimes, but I say it over in my head, and then I write it down. You know.

Jessica:            So you're already doing that step.

P.J.:                 Which one?

Jessica:            You're doing the step of having a thing to say.

P.J.:                 Oh.

Jessica:            You're just not saying the thing.

P.J.:                 Yeah.

Jessica:            So you don't want to be mean.

P.J.:                 Absolutely. But I think, more so, I don't want to be rejected.

Jessica:            You don't want to be rejected. Fascinating.

P.J.:                 Yes. Absolutely. That's the fear. If I put myself out there, if I put my boundaries out there, if—yeah. The rejection is a big thing.

Jessica:            And if you are rejected, what does it mean about you?

P.J.:                 The first thing that popped into my head—it means I lost. [crosstalk] that means.

Jessica:            Lost what? No, but let's talk about what does it mean? Pluto clocks power.

P.J.:                 Yeah. That's what I was going to say. That feels like a power thing, actually, when I just said that, like, "You lost."

Jessica:            Yeah. You lost. Okay.

P.J.:                 Wow.

Jessica:            That's good. Let's hang out with that for a second because you actually don't care about that at all.

P.J.:                 No. I don't think so.

Jessica:            You don't. You're not that attached to power. You're obsessively attached to power, and you're not that attached to power. They're both true, right?

P.J.:                 Uh-huh.

Jessica:            Yeah. And I think that this is where astrology is really helpful because we can look at your chart and see that you have Venus in fucking Aries. It's anaretic Venus in Aries. Yeah, you care about fucking power. Of course, you care about power. It's opposite Pluto, which is conjunct your Moon. Of course, you care about power.

P.J.:                 Right.

Jessica:            And also, you've got a Neptune conjunction to the Ascendant square Saturn. You're a Pisces with Mercury in Pisces. Even that Mars/Jupiter conjunction is in Virgo. All of those things say you really don't care about power. You genuinely don't care about power.

P.J.:                 Yeah.

Jessica:            So what's important here is that you have two different sets of impulses. They're both valid, but you're letting one of them run your whole life. And the next time that fear of rejection comes up, you can ask yourself, "Am I scared of losing? Am I scared of being rejected? Or am I just scared?" Three options. My guess is that it's such a deep habit at this point, you're just scared, because who's going to reject you? When are they going to reject you? Why are they rejecting you? Has somebody ever rejected you because you say, "Okay. Gotta go now. Bye. I'm already rejecting you"? That's not—if you're on a date with somebody and you know you don't want to go out with them again and you're still scared of having a goddamn boundary, it's not about losing.

P.J.:                 Right.

Jessica:            It's not about anything other than—what? It's just a fear? Is it a fear of hurting somebody else's feelings?

P.J.:                 The rejection—that fear doesn't come in if it's someone that I'm not interested in. That comes in if it is someone that I like.

Jessica:            Okay. So it's only with people you like.

P.J.:                 Yes. Yes. Yeah.

Jessica:            So bear with me.

P.J.:                 And for the others, I just don't like to hurt people.

Jessica:            So do you have boundaries with people that you don't like?

P.J.:                 Yeah.

Jessica:            You do?

P.J.:                 Mm-hmm.

Jessica:            You don't ghost them? You're clear with them?

P.J.:                 Mm-hmm.

Jessica:            Okay. Bear with me here. We're going to get in this. Hold on.

P.J.:                 Okay.

Jessica:            Okay. This is a really deep issue for you, and I—

P.J.:                 It is.

Jessica:            It is really deep. And there's two things that are competing for my attention right now. The first thing is we need to do a better job of your definition of what a relationship is because what you say you want, what you told me you want—you wouldn't be very happy with that. So we're going to talk about that in a moment. But the other thing is I think you need to make a decision and then create some sort of a mantra that you commit to—not multiple mantras, a single mantra that you commit to, where you stay committed to choosing yourself. Anyone you win by abandoning yourself means you lose.

P.J.:                 Yeah.

Jessica:            Anyone that likes you when you're taking good care of yourself and showing up authentically—that's who you want to fucking date. Why date somebody who likes you best when you've been inauthentic, when you haven't done good self-care, when you've abandoned yourself to please them? Why date them? You've done it already. It doesn't work well. It doesn't make you happy, and eventually, it is too exhausting to even be around the person.

P.J.:                 That's it.

Jessica:            Yeah. And tell me, am I going too direct and too hard?

P.J.:                 No. This is what I want to get to because I'm really hurting myself.

Jessica:            Yeah. You are. You're also, in a way—I'm kind of speaking to your Pisces right now when I say this, but you're also, in a way—you're not giving the person who would be a good person for you—I don't care what their gender is. You're not giving them a chance to know you. So the person who is only going to date you when you're honest and whole and self-loving—they don't have a chance to get to know you.

P.J.:                 Yeah.  I don't know how to show up any other way.

Jessica:            Yeah. Yeah.

P.J.:                 I don't think I ever have.

Jessica:            Okay. Here's the good news. I do have good news. It's not easy news; let's be realistic. But it's good news. You absolutely can. I genuinely believe that you can have love, successful, compatible, monogamous, healthy love, so the kind of love where you fight with the person when they annoy the fuck out of you, the kind of love when you're honest and they're honest, and you get through the hard times love—real love.

P.J.:                 Yeah.

Jessica:            Okay. Here's the thing, though. We have to be more realistic about what you actually want. You gave me a lot of words for merge. You were just like, "I want them to be there all the time. I want them to be loyal. I want them to be—you are tandem, consistent. We're companions. We care about each other. We're partners." You used all these words, and I was like, "Okay." So you have a fantasy about yourself in which the perfect romantic partner will absolve you of your need for alone time. That's not a real thing. You love spending time alone; am I right?

P.J.:                 Yeah. I do.

Jessica:            Yeah. You kind of need it.

P.J.:                 I definitely need it. But it's definitely—I think I've reached a point to where—not that it's unhealthy, but I mean it's probably about 95 percent—like, it's very—it's extensive.

Jessica:            You're spending too much time alone?

P.J.:                 Mm-hmm. I would say so.

Jessica:            Okay. So I'm with you. Some of that is like—

P.J.:                 I enjoy it.

Jessica:            Yeah. You enjoy—

P.J.:                 Most of the time.

Jessica:            You do, a lot of the times, right?

P.J.:                 Yeah. But I have been creating, you know, that companionship more recently.

Jessica:            Yeah.

P.J.:                 And then, when I had my Uranus opposition, I just felt like I was kind of like, "Whoa, what's happening?"

Jessica:            I mean, Uranus isn't done with you. It's squaring your Mars, right? It's right up there. And right after that, it'll square your Jupiter.

P.J.:                 And then Jupiter.

Jessica:            Exactly. It's great, right? Uranus square Mars is supposed to rattle your cage. Let it. If I was queen of the world—I would like to be, maybe, someday. Also, I wouldn't. Down with the monarchy. Down with—okay. Okay. Don't get me started. Okay. But if I was queen of the world, this is what I would have for you: a relationship that built slowly enough where you could actually have substantive trust with the person—also, good fucking, yes, but substantive trust, not based on sexual or romantic excitement, but based on you saying, "No, I don't want to have pizza tonight," and them being like, "Okay," because I see if they want the pizza and you're like, "I don't want pizza," you're like, "Oh. I can compromise." You don't need to do that shit. You don't need to do that shit.

P.J.:                 Right.

Jessica:            And it's important to start with the little things like pizza because that shit is ridiculous. If somebody's mad at you or doesn't like you because of what you don't want to eat for dinner, then you're never going to have a good relationship with them. You know what I mean?

P.J.:                 Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

Jessica:            So start with the little things, with friends, with dates, with everyone. Get more opinionated. Uranus is squaring your Mars. Go for it. Get more opinionated, okay? And just like with any other muscle, you build it. You build it through using it. It's the only way you build that muscle, is through using it. So, if I was queen of the world, you would trust the person enough to not need to watch them to believe that they're choosing you.

P.J.:                 Yes.

Jessica:            Yeah.

P.J.:                 Absolutely.

Jessica:            Moon/Pluto conjunction opposite Venus—it would be great for you to one day live with somebody if you could have a big apartment. If you couldn't have a big apartment, it would be great for you to one day live in the same building as somebody.

P.J.:                 Really? Okay.

Jessica:            For you, merging—it's really hard for you to remember who you are when you're merged with someone. So my guess is, if you go traveling with a friend for a week, you come back and you have little mannerisms that they have.

P.J.:                 Mm-hmm.

Jessica:            Their preferences are kind of a little bit all of a sudden your preferences until you shake off their vibes.

P.J.:                 Mm-hmm. Yeah. It's easy to—

Jessica:            You just—you pull it in. Between that Neptune dynamic and that Pluto dynamic, it comes from some psychic stuff. It comes from some psychological stuff. Boundaries are the remedy for all of it. But in the meantime, you love merging, but you need space.

P.J.:                 Jesus. It sounds like a contradiction.

Jessica:            Well, no, I don't think it's a contradiction.

P.J.:                 Okay.

Jessica:            I have very different but very similar thing in my chart—very different, but similar enough, Moon/Pluto hard aspect. Do I love to merge? You better fucking believe it. Do I like to sit alone with my bullshit? No. I want my bullshit to be on somebody else's lap. However, over time, I've recognized the more activated I am, the more I know that that's my need to be alone with myself so that I can listen to myself so I can figure out what's wrong inside of me, what's wrong in my life, or what am I vibing with or from that person? Sometimes it's with; sometimes it's from.

                        The only way you can figure that out is by checking in with the self. If you're constantly checking in with them, you've lost your reference point to yourself, which is why all of a sudden you have the mannerisms of the people you hang out with. Right?

P.J.:                 Mm-hmm.

Jessica:            It's because you're no longer using yourself as the reference point. When you do that with a partner—with a man, with a woman—I don't care the gender. But when you do that with a partner, it's not healthy for you. So being able to choose your partner and be like, "Yes. I am vibing tonight. I have the capacity to connect," that's a great thing. Two apartments, same building, sleep at each other's house seven days a week for months on end, and then one day, you're like, "Oh. I'm in that mood." I know you know what I mean when I say "that mood"—

P.J.:                 Yes.

Jessica:            —where you're like, "I need to be alone. I need to control my environment. I need somebody else to not be touching my shit. I need the dishes to be my fucking dishes in the sink." You get into a mode, and sometimes it happens all the time; sometimes it doesn't happen for a long time. But you get into a mode where your control issues get really tense and sensey, and you need fucking space because the world is too much. People are too much.

P.J.:                 Yes.

Jessica:            And in a healthy relationship, there is room for that for you. So that's why I say two apartments in the same building or a really big place because a person who you're in a healthy relationship with is not going to be scared away or punishing because you need to go and put your head up your ass to deal with yourself. A person who understands you will be like, "Okay. You get into these spaces where it's not about me personally. You don't have the capacity for another person to be close, and so you get prickly." You get prickly. You know you get prickly, right?

P.J.:                 I guess I do. Now I do. I mean, I feel it internally, but I guess because I don't really have many experiences, those intimate ones—but I guess I do. Yeah. Yeah, I do, actually. Yeah.

Jessica:            You get prickly. Well, and again, this is why you've been historically attracted to men who aren't there, because then you never have to deal with navigating this part of yourself that you know how to deal with alone in a room or maybe with your mom but you don't really know how to deal with with somebody who could reject you.

P.J.:                 Yes. Absolutely.

Jessica:            The worst thing that happens if someone rejects you is the same thing that's happening now. There's just not someone there anymore. That's all. It's literally the worst. Listen. Your capacity of love is—it's massive. Fucking North Node in Leo in the eighth house? What? It's massive. But if you are protecting yourself from someone else not experiencing love the way you do or when you do, then you've missed the point of the call, right? For you, the call is to love yourself enough to have experiences. And—

P.J.:                 [crosstalk] put myself out there.

Jessica:            Yeah. I mean, if you can find a way to have experiences without putting yourself out there, please let me know. Write an email. Send me a text.  I don't know what it is.

P.J.:                 I'll tell you. I've been staying in fantasy, looking at people's chart.

Jessica:            Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, the very thing I always advise against. Exactly.

P.J.:                 I know. Mm-hmm. Smoking a lot of reefer.

Jessica:            Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, those things bring you exactly where you are.

P.J.:                 Exactly.

Jessica:            Yeah. They do. So it brings you into a more complex universe that you can't really share with other people because you've made it up, right?

P.J.:                 Wow.

Jessica:            So, even as an astrologer, somebody who fucks hard with astrology, you could have five people in your life who fuck hard with astrology or are astrologers, and if you said, "Oh, Venus/Pluto opposition," everybody is going to think something different.

P.J.:                 Yep.

Jessica:            When I say Venus/Pluto opposition, I have a complex set of assessments, convictions, experiences, and you have your own. And they're different. Even if ultimately we would agree on all of it, we would have different language. We would have different memories. We would have different personal relationships to that aspect.

P.J.:                 Right.

Jessica:            And so it is not possible to speak in the language of symbolism if you're trying to have a clear conversation. This is why, so many times, the readings I give—I don't talk too much about astrology, because there's too much room for projection.

P.J.:                 Absolutely.

Jessica:            So back to you and your heart. I am going to say something terrible, which is I think it's good for you to get your heart broken.

P.J.:                 Oh.

Jessica:            I know. Easy for me to say. What an asshole. And I'm not saying manifest it. I'm saying falling in love is worth the risk of getting your heart broken. Falling in love with a real person and letting them get to know the real you is worth it. I also want to remind you you don't really get rejected.

P.J.:                 What do you mean?

Jessica:            Have you had a lot of experiences where you like somebody who wouldn't like you back?

P.J.:                 No. I think I'm hanging on to—there was a friend—and now this has been probably a decade ago—who—all of the red flags were there, just a lot of adoration and fell in love, got my heart broken. And it was just so painful. It was so painful. I was out of the game for a while. That feeling is just—nobody can understand about literally getting your heart ripped out of your chest. And it was a friendship, and that was just a really stupid thing to risk, you know?

Jessica:            So you started as friends, and then you dated?

P.J.:                 Not even really dated. It's kind of complicated, but we started as friends. He had always been in relationships, so we never—you know, nothing came up. He got out of a relationship. At this point, he should have just been free and dealing with other people, and he was. But he was also dealing with me and seeing me in different eyes, and I was like, "Oh, wow." It warmed something inside of me where I was like—

Jessica:            What year was this?

P.J.:                 It was probably around—2014 is when—I mean, we've been friends for a really long time, but it looks like 2014 is when my feelings started getting more intense.

Jessica:            Okay. So that was Neptune opposite Jupiter times.

P.J.:                 Oh. Wow.

Jessica:            Mm-hmm. So let me tell you about that.

P.J.:                 Okay.

Jessica:            At that time—so there's a couple layers, right? The first one is, if your big evidence of "I have been rejected, and therefore it makes sense that I'm scared of being rejected" is this relationship, that, first of all, makes no sense. He didn't reject you. He was just not ready for you. Second of all, that was one experience in your life, and it happened like 13 years ago or like 12 years ago or something. So, just for all the people listening to this who've actually experienced rejection, they will all be rolling their eyes in the back of their head, just to give you context, okay? Not to minimize, right? Not to minimize, but just context. Neptune was opposite your Mars for two years leading up to you falling for this guy. What does that transit do? It demoralizes you.

P.J.:                 Oh.

Jessica:            It makes you embody the fucking consequences of now having boundaries. It makes you feel just like, "I got nowhere to be.  I can't figure out my fucking life. Why can't I get where I need to go?" This is one of my least favorite transits. I fucking hate it. It is really rough.

P.J.:                 Yeah. That's when I started being in bed all the time.

Jessica:            Yes. Of course. So I've seen many people under this transit come into contact with health problems that they couldn't put their finger on, and it's just fucking awful.

P.J.:                 Yeah.

Jessica:            So the transit is over. You should be, "Yay," but your Mars/Jupiter conjunction is tight. And so, immediately—like the day that the Neptune opposition to Mars ended is the day that the Neptune opposition to Jupiter happened. And what happened with that transit? You were like, "I see the way. You are the way. You are the light. You are the one who will pull me out of this shithole I've been in. You're the one time I feel good. You're the one time I feel okay. Here's a pedestal. I'm going to actually"—

P.J.:                 Oh my God, the biggest pedestal.

Jessica:            Yeah.

P.J.:                 And he was like, "What is going on? You're getting all mushy on me. What is happening?"—

Jessica:            You went bananas.

P.J.:                 —because we were always like boys, you know?

Jessica:            Yeah. No, no. And then what happened was you were like, "I'm going to put you on this pedestal, and then I don't have a lot of money, but I'm going to hire someone to come in and build a pedestal for my pedestal for you." And then, when he started to slip off his pedestal, you were like, "Oh shit. I don't have a strong enough pedestal." So you put him on a higher pedestal because Neptune opposite Jupiter transit can be—you know, it's the two most spiritualized planets in the zodiac opposite each other. You lose all fucking proportion. You're just like, "This is the only person who will ever bring me love."

P.J.:                 Yes.

Jessica:            "This is my one chance at true intimacy."

P.J.:                 Yes. That's what it felt like, truly.

Jessica:            Yeah. Yeah. And so you already were depleted. You were already demoralized. And then you found Jesus, and Jesus wasn't available to date, and it devastated you.

P.J.:                 Jesus gave me the pat on the head like, "You'll be all right, kiddo." I was like—

Jessica:            Yeah. I know. I mean, to his credit, he was a good friend in that he was just like, "Something's not right. This is not you."

P.J.:                 Yeah. He was like, "Something with your eyes."

Jessica:            Yeah. But on the other hand—

P.J.:                 He did love me, though, but—I don't know. I don't think it was like that, or—

Jessica:            It wasn't meant to be. You had no boundaries. You were a puddle.

P.J.:                 Yeah.

Jessica:            And so any guy who's going to be like, "Yes. You're a puddle. Let's go," is an asshole.

P.J.:                 True that, actually. I like—okay. Yes. You're right about that.

Jessica:            Yeah, which is why your friend was all of a sudden like, "Something's weird here," and he reacted weird, because he knew you'd be like a whole-ass person.

P.J.:                 And then I just wanted to sit at his feet.

Jessica:            You really did.

P.J.:                 I worshipped him.

Jessica:            You did. Yeah.

P.J.:                 I did. [crosstalk].

Jessica:            And it wasn't even him. It was your all-of-a-sudden Neptunian-fueled fantasy about him.

P.J.:                 Mm-hmm. Absolutely, because I know his ass.

Jessica:            Yeah.

P.J.:                 He is not a good partner.

Jessica:            No.

P.J.:                 Not at all.

Jessica:            He was a good friend in the context you had him in before this.

P.J.:                 Yeah. Absolutely.

Jessica:            So all of this to say are you going through a Neptune transit now? No, you are not.

P.J.:                 Thank God. Thank God.

Jessica:            You do have one coming up in like a year or so.

P.J.:                 Will it?

Jessica:            Will it be romantic? No. Neptune will oppose your Midheaven at almost 6 degrees of Libra. So it's just a different set of problems, you know, watch water issues in your house kind of thing. But it's not this year, so again, not now.

P.J.:                 Okay.

Jessica:            But here's the thing. The very planets that Neptune just drained all of its energy from all those years ago—Uranus's coming in is like electricity. It's just like sparking it up through electricity. So what are you going to do? Are you going to commit to the bit and be like, "I don't want to be hurt"? Or are you going to be like, "Fuck it. It's time to have some goddamn experiences and take some chances"?

P.J.:                 Yeah.

Jessica:            I’m pushing for the second. Here's the "but." Having experiences and taking chances is not like a fucking free-for-all situation.

P.J.:                 Okay.

Jessica:            It's still meant to be boundaried. Don't just go back into the ring; go back different.

P.J.:                 Okay.

Jessica:            Okay? And so I'm coming back to my fucking rules, okay? Okay. So you go on a couple dates with a person. Second date. Second date. Let's say you're on your second date, okay?

P.J.:                 Mm-hmm.

Jessica:            No drinks. No smoking. You can do food if you want. You can meet at dinner if you want. Yeah, I'm interrupting your habits.

P.J.:                 What do I do about my nerves?

Jessica:            Be nervous. Let them see how awkward you are.

P.J.:                 Okay.

Jessica:            Yeah. That's actually my advice, is letting someone see that you're awkward will immediately provoke in them either the desire to manipulate you, the desire to be unkind, to take over the conversation, to be a dick in some subtle or overt way, which—fabulous. Find that out on the second date. Or they will go out of their way to make space to ask you questions and make you feel comfortable. Don't you want to know who the fuck you're dating?

P.J.:                 Right.

Jessica:            So you're still focused—

P.J.:                 Apparently not.

Jessica:            Yeah. You're so focused on making them comfortable, making sure they like you, you don't know if you like them. You don't know if you like them.

P.J.:                 No.

Jessica:            You can't just go on vibes. I mean, you can; you've made a life of it. But I'm saying, moving forward, don't just go on vibes. Yeah. Exactly. Don't just go on vibes, but instead, go on data, right?

P.J.:                 Okay.

Jessica:            So this looks like showing up awkward, staying awkward. Third date—fucking ditto. No drinking. No weed. No fucking. Just getting to know the person. If, at this point, you're just like, "I don't feel that chaotic thing that I call chemistry. I don't feel intoxicated by that person," then you start to ask yourself, "Is that because this person is a yes but not a chaotic yes? Is that because this person is a yes but I don't know myself to be so present, and I don't know who the fuck I am, and that's making me nervous?" If the answer to the questions is yes, then okay, give them a fucking fourth date and have a drink.

P.J.:                 Okay.

Jessica:            But if you find yourself in a situation where you're just like, "I haven't allowed myself to build up energy and intrigue and create a 'Do they want me?' kind of vibe going, and it turns out that that's all that I'm interested in is winning this person, but I wasn't buzzed enough or it wasn't hot enough that I don't really care," then stop wasting your fucking time, and don't go on a fourth date. You know what I'm saying?

P.J.:                 Mm-hmm.

Jessica:            So the thing about dating—and I have to stress this very strongly for you—is it is exclusively about getting to know someone. Dating is not being in a relationship. For the first three months, even if you fall in love and it's like "fucking yes" on everything right away, for the first three months, I want my terrible voice to be in your head saying, "Stranger danger. Stranger danger." It is stranger danger. You don't know them, right? And you want to act accordingly. So you get to know them. You don't trust them with everything about yourself from the beginning, right?

P.J.:                 Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

Jessica:            You go in with curiosity and authenticity. Curiosity, authenticity. And if you like them more than they like you, first of all, that'll be a second. Second of all—because it hasn't happened more than once before—which isn't even true, but okay.

P.J.:                 [crosstalk].

Jessica:            Are you trying to remember a time when you liked somebody and they didn't like you?

P.J.:                 I feel like I've experienced—or maybe I'm just thinking about him again—unrequited. Yeah.

Jessica:            You're only thinking about this one man 12 years ago. You're a 45-year-old human woman who can think of one person who you liked who didn't like you as much as you liked them. One person does not make a pattern.

P.J.:                 Right.

Jessica:            Girl, if you were 25 years old and you told me only one person had rejected you, I would also roll my eyes. But 45? Come on.

P.J.:                 Maybe—I'm sure two—one, two.

Jessica:            Okay. Let's call it three. You can't remember their names, but it happened. Okay.

P.J.:                 Sure.

Jessica:            But what I'm trying to say is your desire to protect your heart is healthy. Your desire to tell yourself a false story to justify overprotecting your heart is getting you in trouble. Does this make sense, what I'm saying?

P.J.:                 That hit the nail on then head. Mm-hmm.

Jessica:            So, in our conversation, I'm asking you a lot of really kind of simple questions like, "Can you remember anyone ever rejecting you?" because you have a very strong feeling that the answer is yes but no data to back it up, right? Because it's not actually—it's not true. It's a feeling because the one time it happened, it hurt so bad. But I would contend, if you had come to me as a client at that time, I would have been like, "Why are you trying to date? Do not date. You are a puddle. Do not date." If it wasn't him and that situation, it would have been a different person and a different situation because—

P.J.:                 Right.

Jessica:            —you were looking for the light outside of you.

P.J.:                 Yes.

Jessica:            And I'm using religiosity words because it's a Neptune opposition to Jupiter, and that's literally what you were doing.

P.J.:                 Yeah.

Jessica:            You were looking to find God through someone else.

P.J.:                 That's what I felt. Yeah.

Jessica:            Yeah. Yeah.

P.J.:                 It felt like he was that. Mm-hmm.

Jessica:            He was the answer. And no man is the answer. And if you end up dating women, no woman is the answer. You're the answer. You're the answer.

P.J.:                 Right.

Jessica:            You're the answer. And having that South Node at anaretic Aquarius means you've known that before. You've known how to choose yourself. But you haven't known how to choose yourself with your heart before, which is why—

P.J.:                 That's right because it's about—

Jessica:            Yep. Yep. It's all about the head. And now you have this really beautiful life, and you've got things that you're good at, and you have passions that you have pursued and made a life around. You have a good life, and it's an authentic life in many ways. But that Leo is all about courage. It's all about heart-based courage. It's not Aries courage, where you're going in with the head, random things. This is heart-based courage, right?

P.J.:                 Mm-hmm.

Jessica:            And so that's the assignment. That's the assignment. The assignment isn't how to trust that that one experience where your heart was hurt was predictive data. That was one experience, and it was clear evidence that when you look outside of yourself for answers, you don't find the love you want.

P.J.:                 That's deep.

Jessica:            It is. And also, the only way to have love is to risk losing love. I know. It's bullshit. It's bullshit. If we as astrologers, if we as psychics, could promise someone, "This is the day you'll find love. This is the person who will love you and they'll never hurt your feelings," the world would be a completely different place. But everything dies. And over the course of life, if—let's say you do get into a partnership that lasts the rest of your life. That partnership will die in ways over time because you can't be in the romantic phase forever. At a certain point, you fucking know them. They know you. Things change.

P.J.:                 Right.

Jessica:            Bodies change. Circumstances change. And there are all of these Plutonian deaths.

P.J.:                 Real things.

Jessica:            Yeah.

P.J.:                 Right.

Jessica:            Exactly. Exactly. And so allowing yourself to have the space you need to process your fears and your grief is how you let people love you based on who you are. Let me reframe it really quickly here to say your fantasy of love is year one and a half of a relationship that's going strong. It's not year seven. It's not six months. You've got this one little snapshot of this moment in time where the sex is still fresh. The intimacy is deep and established. You've had a couple fights but not too many yet, hopefully. Right?

P.J.:                 Yeah.

Jessica:            And that's lovely. May you have that. But if that's all you want, then you don't want enough.

P.J.:                 Yeah.

Jessica:            What you deserve and I want to encourage you to think about is, what are the dynamics? How will the two of you fight? Here's a hot tip for that. You need to be able to fight with somebody. And when you fight with somebody, you need to be able to fight fair with that person so that you can be like whatever your version of it is, of—because you've got that Neptune Ascendant and that Sun/Mercury, so you don't like saying aggressive things, but you think them.

P.J.:                 Mm-hmm.

Jessica:            You feel them. So being able to say to somebody, "This is what I'm feeling. This is what I'm needing. This is what is up for me," and they don't leave—you need somebody who stays in the fight, who doesn't name-call, who isn't abusive and aggressive in that way, but who doesn't leave.

P.J.:                 Yeah.

Jessica:            That's really important for you. So, when somebody asks you, "What do you want in a relationship?" to only think about the good times means you're not really thinking about a real relationship. You're thinking about fantasy. So I'm going to give you the homework of thinking about, in a real relationship with a person, how much space and time do you need alone? How much space and time do you need for your friends, for your projects? When you think about the creative things you do, how much time do you need staring at a wall doing nothing before the inspiration comes to do the next big thing?

P.J.:                 Yeah. I never even think of any of this stuff.

Jessica:            You don't because you're thinking outside of yourself. You're thinking of a fantasy relationship that exists in a fantasy space in a fantasy time, right?

P.J.:                 Mm-hmm. It's like a song.

Jessica:            Yeah.

P.J.:                 Thinking of a song.

Jessica:            You're thinking of a gorgeous song that you want to listen to on repeat. And what I'm encouraging you to think about is a relationship because you have a Mars/Jupiter conjunction. You manifest shit. You have a North Node conjunction to Mars and Jupiter. You manifest shit.

P.J.:                 Yeah?

Jessica:            Yes.

P.J.:                 Okay.

Jessica:            The problem is you're really good at conjuring visions of things that aren't real or that burn up quick.

P.J.:                 Okay.

Jessica:            So, if you can visualize being present for something you truly want—think back to your life. That's what comes to you. You do pull it in. The issue for you is staying in your body because it's Mars. And so being able to—this is why I'm encouraging you to think about, how would you fight with this person? How much space do you need alone? How do you know that you can trust this person you're dating to be loyal emotionally and sexually?

P.J.:                 No idea.

Jessica:            Right.

P.J.:                 That is a hard—I have no idea.

Jessica:            Being able, when you think about partnership, to say to yourself, "Okay. I know I really want this, and I don't know how I would identify it. I'm going to keep that in my consciousness. I don't know yet, but this is my thought, that I want to have this kind of trust. I haven't experienced it yet, and I don't know how to identify it. Okay"—when you can hold what you don't know, it starts to change shape, sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly. And it'll come closer to clarity because you're going to pull in conversations with friends or fucking social media posts—or whatever—that start to speak to it.

                        You need somebody who has his or her own thing going on. If you are the only thing they have going on, you will become bored of them.

P.J.:                 Yeah.

Jessica:            You need somebody who has a compatible aesthetic to you or who's malleable enough for you to dress them. You need somebody—you're welcome. You need somebody who has an active spiritual life or is receptive to yours and interested in yours. So maybe they don't have one, but they're down to have conversations and meet you there, right?

P.J.:                 Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

Jessica:            You need somebody who likes to travel. And that doesn't mean you travel together. It means it's a possibility.

P.J.:                 Okay.

Jessica:            Does that make sense?

P.J.:                 Yeah. I'm interested in why you say that, though. Like, what—

Jessica:            Mars/Jupiter conjunction, and Jupiter is in the ninth; Mars is hugging the house cusp. Traveling with a person you're having a romantic or sexual time with, somebody that you're dating—that's a fucking yes. But you've got Saturn in there. So maybe, at the end of the day, you travel for work or you travel with friends, or you squeeze it into your schedule. That's fine, as long as there's the possibility of running away together, as long as there's the possibility of being like, "For a three-year anniversary, we're going to Greece," or whatever. Right?

P.J.:                 Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

Jessica:            So, for you, having a fantasy that you're building towards is a big part of how you live and love. So travel—it looks like, to me, travel is a part of that. And again, I am seeing that that looks more important than the actual material act of traveling with a person you're dating.

P.J.:                 Wow. [crosstalk].

Jessica:            Have you traveled with the people you've dated a lot?

P.J.:                 No.

Jessica:            No. But it is part of what you imagine as important, eh?

P.J.:                 Yeah. I just really just don't have a lot of dating experience. But yeah, I would love that.

Jessica:            It could simply be—because you want to keep in mind Saturn in the ninth house—wherever we have Saturn, we have delayed development. So delayed development, according to this Capricorn girl, is 35 years old.

P.J.:                 Okay.

Jessica:            So, at around 35, you were getting over the person who we were talking about.

P.J.:                 Oh. Okay.

Jessica:            We gotta talk about dating other genders for a quick minute here.

P.J.:                 Yeah.

Jessica:            Is there somebody that you're flirting with on the apps right now?

P.J.:                 No. No, but I'm open. I'm totally open. Yeah. I haven't gotten any yeses yet on the—or I haven't even gotten to—like literally only have gotten to the swiping stage but not the conversation stage yet. Do you feel someone coming?

Jessica:            Somebody coming, obviously. Uranus is trining your Mars. Let's see. Has it hit 2 degrees? I mean, yeah. I think it—

P.J.:                 What is it, 0 or 1 or something?

Jessica:            It started on Monday.

P.J.:                 Really?

Jessica:            Wait. Today's Monday. It started today.

P.J.:                 Oh my God. Wow. I had no idea.

Jessica:            Yeah. Yeah.

P.J.:                 Okay.

Jessica:            So is someone coming? Obvi. Is someone permanent coming? You don't need someone permanent right now.

P.J.:                 Yeah.

Jessica:            You didn't need Jesus then, and you don't need your partner now.

P.J.:                 Right.

Jessica:            What you need now is experiences. And so those experiences are Mars. They're experiences with being embodied. They're experiences with flirting, maybe fucking. They're experiences with embodied boundaries. Boundaries.

P.J.:                 Okay.

Jessica:            Will those things lead to a relationship? Very possibly. Maybe not. But there's this part of you—it's both Plutonian and Neptunian—that says if it's not going to lead to a for-sure marriage, there's no point.

P.J.:                 Yeah. Yeah. Yep.

Jessica:            And I want to say I'm in a partnership at this time. And when I think back to every person I've dated—the good, the bad, the ugly—when I think about all of the dating experiences that I've had, they were all really essential for me to have experiences with myself so that the biggest mistakes I've made romantically are not with my current partner, who I've been with for, like—whatever—almost 14 years.

P.J.:                 Lovely.

Jessica:            It's nice that I made a lot of mistakes with other people. I've made so many mistakes. It's impossible to be a person who has a birth chart and to be perfect.

P.J.:                 Right.

Jessica:            We're going to live out our birth chart. So you are going to live out your intimacy issues by holding people back or choosing people who are held back. You're going to put people on pedestals. You're going to withhold your truth and hope that they psychically know it or intuitively know it because of romance. This is your bullshit, right?

P.J.:                 Mm-hmm.

Jessica:            And so, as you struggle to figure out how to show up, like really show up with people in the moment as they are, as you are, you're going to be not graceful. You're going to be awkward. You're going to only be half honest. You're going to do fucked-up things here and there. And that is your fucking birthright. You have a Leo North Node. Figuring out how to love is your birthright.

So should you figure out all of those things with the next person you date? Please, no. Please, no. Find somebody who will give you great sex, boost of confidence, who you can practice having boundaries with. Will that person crush your spirit? No, they will not. You are not going through a Neptune transit. Make it a mantra. "I am not going through a Neptune transit." That particular brand of crushing is Neptune.

P.J.:                 Okay.

Jessica:            Right? And you know this. You know astrology, so you know that I'm not just saying that, right?

P.J.:                 No, I know exactly what you are talking about.

Jessica:            Yes. Yeah. That is not—

P.J.:                 I just feel my [indiscernible 01:08:03] Moon did just go into Cancer, though, so I'm like, "What is going"—I do feel feely a little bit, but—

Jessica:            I mean, you are feely, and the world is fucking crazy, and change is vulnerable. You're going to keep feeling feely. I mean, you're going to keep feeling feely. You have a Moon/Pluto conjunction. You're never not going to be feely. You have Moon opposite Venus. You're never not going to be like, "Love, but love, but love. Do you think I'm pretty? Do you think this is nice?" You're always going to do that. It's about figuring out how to enjoy keeping it cute, keeping everything demure, when you're not trying to get deep, and then, when it's time to get deep, getting messy with people. Get messy with people, but messy from a place of alignment, not messy from a place of like, "How can I make you happy? How can I make you stay? How can I make you choose me? How can I make sure I'm not hurt?" because all of those things are anchoring your sense of self outside of yourself. And that is not what you're here to do.

                        Do I think you're going to be partnered? I absolutely think you're going to be partnered. I absolutely think you're going to be partnered.

P.J.:                 Yay.

Jessica:            Do I think it'll happen by you avoiding going on dates and not making any changes? Absolutely not. So I think the question for you to answer is, "Is it worth it for me to walk through my shit to get to a partnership? Is it worth it to me to risk getting my heart hurt on the path to finding somebody who I can find home with, I can build home with?" And the answer to these questions can be no sometimes. Today the answer can be no.

                        Do not be a dick to yourself where you're like, "Well, I have to go on a date anyways." You want to honor your own limits and boundaries. Some days, you're going to be like, "It is too much for me."

P.J.:                 Right.

Jessica:            And that's just your truth sometimes. People are too peopley. Dating is too much for you sometimes.

P.J.:                 Yeah.

Jessica:            And also, whether or not the first three women you go on dates with are it, I don't think that means that women aren't it for you. That doesn't mean men aren't it, too—and, again, other genders. But I think you are ready to experience more of what it means to be a heart in a body.

P.J.:                 Oof.

Jessica:            Yeah.

P.J.:                 That was palpable.

Jessica:            Yeah. Yeah. And get weird. Just be weird. You're allowed to be weird. Get weird. Get weird. And you know this thing that you said earlier about, like, "I don't know why I wasn't out sooner"?

P.J.:                 Mm-hmm.

Jessica:            It's because that Neptune conjunction to your Ascendant is squared by Saturn at the top of your chart. And so it gives you this inclination to  either be conventional or to hide what you are from people, even when technically you know it doesn't really matter—

P.J.:                 Right.

Jessica:            —or you don't really care, but you might hide different—

P.J.:                 Yeah, and they don't really care.

Jessica:            Yeah. Yeah. It's not just about sexuality. I imagine there's other things that you're like, "I don't know why I'm hiding this from people, but I'm objectively hiding this from people."

P.J.:                 Yes.

Jessica:            Yeah. It's that fucking Saturn thing. Saturn is like, "There's going to be a consequence." And that comes from your religious background, right? It comes from the convictions your parents held around why they needed religion to give them that moral and kind of community-based backbone. It's as something outside of themselves, right?

P.J.:                 Deep.

Jessica:            And you are like, "Well, if I break the rules, that's inherently bad," because that's essentially the lesson you got.

P.J.:                 Yeah.

Jessica:            Yeah. But you're a fucking weirdo. Yeah. Fuck with the rules.

P.J.:                 So weird.

Jessica:            So weird. Uranus squares your Mars and—I wouldn't say it squares your Jupiter, but it squares your Mars. I mean, that's pretty Queer. It doesn't mean everyone who has it is Queer, but it is a Queer aspect. Do you know what I'm saying?

P.J.:                 Yeah. I'm definitely Queer.

Jessica:            Yeah. Yeah.

P.J.:                 Yeah.

Jessica:            And also a damn weirdo.

P.J.:                 Yeah. Well, that's kind of what I mean. I'm just not of the norm, by any means necessary.

Jessica:            Not of the norm. Uh-uh. Uh-uh. Uh-uh.

P.J.:                 Yeah.

Jessica:            And you get to experience privacy without keeping your shit hidden. That's a boundary. What you've done historically—

P.J.:                 What does that mean? Sorry. Repeat that.

Jessica:            So what you've done historically is you've dated people you're not supposed to date, had these crushes that never get expressed or requited, and that's your way of having privacy, is by keeping things on then DL in various ways. What you're actually—your happiest, healthiest place is to simply say, "Oh. I'm going to go on dates with this person. I'm not going to tell my friends about it because I deserve privacy while I'm figuring out what I think." That is a good practice for you.

P.J.:                 Okay.

Jessica:            You're allowed to keep things private until you can figure out what you think. When you have an experience and you rush to bring it to your friends or your family or whatever—

P.J.:                 It's usually family with that.

Jessica:            Family? Yeah.

P.J.:                 I think it's an approval thing. Yeah, I think.

Jessica:            Yeah. When you do that, it's like you're asking them to tell you what you think.

P.J.:                 That's exactly it.

Jessica:            Yeah. Yeah.

P.J.:                 Yeah. Strange.

Jessica:            So hang out in not knowing because after you hang out in not knowing, you will find that you're actually opinionated, and you really fucking know what you think. You just need to hang out in the not knowing for longer than you're comfortable.

P.J.:                 Absolutely. That's a doozy.

Jessica:            It is a doozy, and it's—again, Uranus is squaring your Mars. Time couldn't be better. The time couldn't be better.

P.J.:                 Yeah?

Jessica:            Uranus square to Mars is when you make changes, radical, abrupt, quick changes.

P.J.:                 Oh. Oh. Oh.

Jessica:            Swift changes. Yeah.

P.J.:                 Okay. I like that.

Jessica:            And we're talking about two mutable signs, right? Uranus is in Gemini. We got your Mars in Virgo. The capacity that you have to change is deep. Now, listen. You just got through Uranus squaring your North Node—both your Nodes, right?

P.J.:                 Mm-hmm.

Jessica:            And I am not a fan of overthinking these transits. They're evolutionary. They're not like Uranus square Mars is like a personality thing. But I will say this. If you, over the last year, haven't deeply changed the way you love and let yourself be loved, you're probably feeling really stuck right now.

P.J.:                 Yes.

Jessica:            Yeah. So thank the Universe that on the heels of that transit is Uranus square Mars because if you didn't make radial changes around love and being loved with Uranus doing that thing to your Nodes, that means your habits are real fucking entrenched. You must have done a lot of feats of strength to keep yourself back from being vulnerable and letting people love you and trying to love people. And so okay—

P.J.:                 I did—when the square happened, something really strange happened. Someone from my past popped in and rocked me, like rocked me. But again, it's not a good situation. This person is getting out of something, probably not ready, but I don't know. It was some kind of, really, awakening, like things. Yeah. I don't know.

Jessica:            What happened was it reminded you what it felt like to heal.

P.J.:                 Yeah.

Jessica:            That's what it looks like happened, is that this person reminded you, "Oh, I love love. Oh, I forgot I love love."

P.J.:                 Yeah. It's pretty cool, actually.

Jessica:            Yeah. And that person reminded you of your capacity to love, not that person reminded you that you should love them. You didn't love that person. You didn't need that person. This is not about this person. It's just like sometimes you put on a pair of jeans, and you're like, "Oh, I have a good ass." It's not the jeans. It's your ass. You know what I mean? It's your ass. And so this person that came back was just a good pair of jeans—

P.J.:                 Okay.

Jessica:            —but you're the one with the ass. So don't—it was a metaphor.

P.J.:                 I gotta—yeah. You know, I'm already in there.

Jessica:            Okay. Good, good, good, good, good.

P.J.:                 Meaning, no, I'm already kind of getting into the fantasy, but I am getting myself out of it right now.

Jessica:            Good. You've—

P.J.:                 I do feel like, "Oof," kind of—

Jessica:            This is a guy, right?

P.J.:                 Yeah.

Jessica:            This person is a guy. Yeah. You've dated him before. I don't mean him literally. I mean you've been in this situation. How many times are you going to deal with this shit? You know what I mean? So don't confuse someone inspiring you to feel with someone being a good partner for you.

P.J.:                 Yes, ma'am.

Jessica:            Don't confuse vibes with situation. I want to encourage you—stay on those goddamn apps. And is the app that you're on for dating women—

P.J.:                 Solely or—

Jessica:            Yeah. Is it—

P.J.:                 You can choose both.

Jessica:            You can choose both, and that's like a thing?

P.J.:                 Yeah.

Jessica:            And do you get a lot of hits from men?

P.J.:                 Yeah. You know them. They'll swipe on anything.

Jessica:            I know. They do, they do, they do. I mean, I kind of wonder, is it possible to have two separate accounts and to have one that's just for women and one that's just for men?

P.J.:                 I can do that, actually, or I can make one of the apps just for women and one of them just for men.

Jessica:            Try that.

P.J.:                 Okay.

Jessica:            Yeah, partially because I don't know—

P.J.:                 It is kind of weird. It's just so different.

Jessica:            It's different, and I'm just curious what would happen if you just put yourself out there for women, you're in that mindset, you're open to all kind of Queer interactions, Queer relationships, and you allowed yourself to be awkward because you don't know what to do. The thing about dating outside of heterosexuality is heterosexuality is like a train track. Everybody's a caboose on a track. And yes, individuals make choices and yada, yada, but there's roles. We all know what women are and what men are and what that all means in the context of patriarchy and dating and yada, yada.

P.J.:                 Right.

Jessica:            But in Queer relationships, it's like, well, who's supposed to make the first move? You know, there's a way that men are constantly not showing up or rejecting people or whatever in straight dynamic. It's not the same thing in Queer dynamic. It's not.

P.J.:                 It's like you have to figure it out.

Jessica:            You have to figure it out. You have to take responsibility for what the fuck you want because why would you assume or expect the woman that you're flirting with would be the one to say, "Hey, let's make a plan," or, "Who's going to pay?" or whatever.

P.J.:                 Right.

Jessica:            It's just like there are different assumptions. And that is so destabilizing for you. It's so scary for you. And there is no better time than Uranus square Mars to go through that.

P.J.:                 How do I say—like, do I say I'm new in this territory?

Jessica:            Yeah, if you want to. Yeah, if you want to. You have the right to be private about it and just put yourself out there as a person on an app, or you have the right to say, "Ahh, I don't know what I'm doing. It's my first time," and put that on the app. You can do either. They're equal. It's more about—

P.J.:                 Probably the first is more like me.

Jessica:            It's more your vibe. Exactly.

P.J.:                 Yeah.

Jessica:            You're not tricking somebody into being Gay with you. You know what I mean? If they want to be Gay with you, they'll be Gay with you.

P.J.:                 Well, I can deal with that, but I didn't know if it's sort of like—if they don't really want to deal with you if you're—you know what I mean—

Jessica:            You tell them.

P.J.:                 —a newbie.

Jessica:            Yeah. That's fair. And also, you can tell them. You can be on a date and be like, "Oh shit. This person is hecka cute. I have vibrations, and I would like to explore these vibrations." You can then, at some point, be like, "Oh shit. I'm a baby Gay. I'm a late-in-life Gay." And if they're like, "Oh shit. That doesn't work for me," they will tell you, and it will hurt your feelings, and then you'll keep on dating, and it won't break you. It won't break you.

P.J.:                 Okay.

Jessica:            You are not where you once were. It won't break you, okay?

P.J.:                 Thank you.

Jessica:            You're welcome. And that doesn't mean it won't hurt your feelings. It doesn't mean you won't have a shitty 48 hours. But a shitty 48 hours is fine because the next date, you can just be like—whatever. You figure it out. You figure it out. Listen. I cannot state this clearly enough. You have very rarely been rejected in your life, and the fact that you're so identified with it means you need to change.

P.J.:                 Yeah.

Jessica:            Yeah.

P.J.:                 Right on.

Jessica:            I straightened my hair once.

P.J.:                 Did you?

Jessica:            Yeah. It was stupid. But that doesn't mean that I have straight hair or that I'm a person who straightens their hair. I did it once. Do you know what I'm saying?

P.J.:                 Right.

Jessica:            There are so many things that you've had happen only once that you don't identify with. Why this?

P.J.:                 Right.

Jessica:            Why this one thing? Because it was painful.

P.J.:                 Yeah.

Jessica:            Because it justifies you hiding.

P.J.:                 Ooh.

Jessica:            So now is the time for change, Uranus square Mars. And do you have Robert Hand's book on the planets in transit?

P.J.:                 Mm-hmm.

Jessica:            Yeah. Pop it open next time you're near that book. Uranus square Mars—

P.J.:                 Okay.

Jessica:            I mean, I don't remember how sex-positive he is or whatever, but yeah, get Gay. Go as Queer and as out there as you can get. It's Uranus square Mars.

P.J.:                 All right.

Jessica:            Safer sex whenever you can, but Uranus square Mars. Enjoy it.

P.J.:                 That is amazing.

Jessica:            And do you have a shrink?

P.J.:                 I need to get one.

Jessica:            It would probably be helpful to have someone you can bounce off, "What's real versus what's my projection and what's my fear? Am I putting this person on a pedestal in a negative way or in a positive way? Am I being honest? Am I centering what I need and what I want? Am I getting to know them?" These questions—it would be really helpful to pay somebody once a week to just help you refocus—

P.J.:                 Get out of my head.

Jessica:            Yeah. Exactly. Exactly, because this is really hard to do alone.

P.J.:                 Yeah.

Jessica:            And this is another way of intimacy-building and figuring out how to be honest with a person, is with a therapist, because if you can't be honest with a person who you're paying to like you, you can't be honest with anybody. You know what I mean? You know what I mean?

P.J.:                 Yeah.

Jessica:            Any time I catch myself being dishonest or coy with a therapist, I'm like, "Oh. If I'm doing that with a fucking therapist, what am I doing with people in my life?"

P.J.:                 Right.

Jessica:            So it's important to—yeah. It's important to hold on to.

P.J.:                 Okay.

Jessica:            So now, my dear, I'm so glad we got to do this.

P.J.:                 Me, too. Can I ask you one question?

Jessica:            Yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

P.J.:                 Based on my chart, how would you say is the best way to assert myself in love? Should I wait? Should I put myself out there?

Jessica:            Put yourself out there.

P.J.:                 I should go after—

Jessica:            Yeah.

P.J.:                 —people I want and be like, Hey"?

Jessica:            Fuck yeah.

P.J.:                 Okay.

Jessica:            100 percent. Now, do I think you will? No. You're really good at attracting people.

P.J.:                 Okay.

Jessica:            You are a flower, and you love a bee. And you really like hunting once you know for sure they're down to be hunted.

P.J.:                 Yeah.

Jessica:            But you're like a shy, pull back—you have leaned into the girl role of heterosexuality.

P.J.:                 Mm-hmm.

Jessica:            It's like, "You like me. You choose me. You tell me when we go out." You really have.

P.J.:                 Yeah.

Jessica:            You lean into that passivity.

P.J.:                 Yeah. Once it's certain, then I'll pounce on you.

Jessica:            Yeah, yeah, yeah. Uranus is squaring your Mars. Experiment with doing it different. It's only a yearlong transit. You only have a year of this. This is a one-year, once-in-a-lifetime opportunity. You properly came out at the fucking start of a Uranus square to Mars. This is your year to be assertive. Embarrass yourself in public. Be awkward. And try out being connected with people in different ways. Waiting for people to choose you is a mistake at any time for you—

P.J.:     Okay.

Jessica:            —because you don't have habits of recognizing when you are centering your self-worth and whether or not some fucking dodo bird—you don't even know if you like them—likes you. Okay? That's your problem here, which is why I'm saying practice you putting yourself out. And then, in the fun, romantic, sexy aesthetic of dating, you want somebody to be the boy in that way, right, to kind of come for you and pick you up and put the piece of material on the puddle so you can walk on it like a cartoon Disney princess, right?

P.J.:                 Totally.

Jessica:            Yeah. You like that. That's great, but that's like—I had a friend once who said, "Keep it in the sheets, not the streets." That's your fucking role-play. That's what gets you hot. That's what gets you romantic. So don't confuse that fun role-play that you enjoy as a lifestyle play as your actual role. That's not who and what you are. You are a full fucking person who has likes and dislikes. You have preferences. You have boundaries. You have needs.

And so I want to encourage you to be  bold, to put yourself out there. And for you, being bold is going to look different than me being bold. You know what I mean? Be bold in your nature. And then, as they get to know you, you can let them get to know you and what you like and what you need to get your motor running. If the person is compatible with you, they're going to be the pitcher to your catcher, if you know what I'm saying. Do you know what I mean?

P.J.:                 Absolutely.

Jessica:            Okay. Okay. Good. That's what we're talking about, is you want somebody who enjoys that role-play but is a whole-ass human who wants to be partnered with another whole-ass human.

P.J.:                 Right, not some doll baby.

Jessica:            Exactly. So, even though your Neptune stuff is like, "I am the Disney princess. I want a kiss that makes my foot pop up behind me"—

P.J.:                 That's literally what I keep saying. That's what I'm asking the Universe for, the kiss that makes you—like where you see stars.

Jessica:            Here's the problem with that as a goal.

P.J.:                 Oh no.

Jessica:            It's a terrible fucking goal. I'm sorry.

P.J.:                 Oh no.

Jessica:            I'm a Capricorn asshole, but let me tell you why.

P.J.:                 Please tell me.

Jessica:            You're asking the Universe for a moment. How long is that going to last?

P.J.:                 Oh.

Jessica:            You're asking the Universe for five minutes. To what end? Do you know who could give you a kiss like that? Any-fucking-body. Not any, but really, any.

P.J.:                 No, you're right.

Jessica:            I know.

P.J.:                 And for the longest time, I confused that with love, I think, with chemistry, with love, and those moments. You're so right.

Jessica:            That's a Neptune problem.

P.J.:                 That's how I defined it.

Jessica:            Yeah.

P.J.:                 Bananas.

Jessica:            So you can ask the Universe to bring you somebody whose sex and romance way is Disney prince-=

P.J.:                 Okay.

Jessica:            —because you love to be a Disney princess. But don't confuse that with a relationship.

P.J.:                 Okay. I like that.

Jessica:            That's a five-minute experience that you could have with any loser. You want a relationship with a whole, entire person.

P.J.:                 Oh, thank you for that clarity.

Jessica:            You're welcome.

P.J.:                 It's honestly like I can't believe I'm grown and didn't honestly—

Jessica:            I should have led with that because it's honestly like, whenever I see such a strong Neptune dynamic, I usually bring up the Disney princess thing because it is so universal. When I tell you it is universal, trust, any time you see somebody with Neptune on the Ascendant or the Descendant, Neptune in hard aspect to the Sun or Moon, they will have this in common with you. They will have this in common with you. It's like a thing. And do I blame Disney? Yes. But Disney didn't create this, right?

P.J.:                 Right.

Jessica:            It's like—

P.J.:                 Just a symbol.

Jessica:            It's a symbol. And part of what's wrong with this symbol is it puts you in a passive state where you are getting kissed and that evokes in you that your foot kicks up. So all of it is reactive to this person. It's a man. It's this man. And so, yeah, you want to have that be the role-play. You want to have that be like your fucking Saturday nights. But you also want to be able to talk about politics with this person. You also want to be able to talk about money with this person. You want to have shared values on those things. You want to be able to get sick and have them fucking show up, even though they had plans to do something fun that night.

P.J.:                 Right.

Jessica:            You want somebody who's a real-ass person whose breath stinks sometimes, who wears the wrong clothes sometimes, who doesn't do the dishes correctly sometimes because Moon/Pluto people are weird with the plumbing and the kitchen and the bathroom. You get weird with those rooms.

P.J.:                 Oh my God.

Jessica:            You're particular.

P.J.:                 I hate bathrooms.

Jessica:            Yeah. You got weird shit with those rooms. So you need a partner who can bend to your preferences in those rooms.

P.J.:                 Yes. You clean the bathroom.

Jessica:            Yeah.

P.J.:                 You clean the toilet.

Jessica:            There you go. And if they're not going to clean it, they better fucking not make it harder for you to clean it—

P.J.:                 Right.

Jessica:            —right—by being nasty in those rooms. You need—

P.J.:                 Yes. Exactly.

Jessica:            You need somebody who's compatible with the real you and the real life that you live. So, if you are traveling once a week for work, you need to trust that the person you're dating is somebody who doesn't need to be watched in order to be loyal. You need to believe that the person you're dating is going to care about whether or not you made it there on time and safe and all the things because that's how you want to be loved.

P.J.:                 Absolutely.

Jessica:            And also, sometimes that person will kiss you in a way where you're like, "Too much tongue." Sometimes that person will kiss you, and you'll be like, "Why did you eat that for lunch and then kiss my fucking face?"

P.J.:                 Oh my gosh.

Jessica:            Real people have real problems, and if you're in love and you're compatible, then you're like, "Ew. Gross. Moving on with my life," because the kiss isn't it. It's the trust and the intimacy and the sense of belonging. That's what you're actually craving. Now, there's the sexual craving. That's separate. But the thing that that kiss, that Disney princess kiss, symbolizes is being safe and being chosen and of being in this apex moment. But there is no apex moment. I mean, there is until it's over, and then you want another one.

P.J.:                 Yep.

Jessica:            A relationship is a relationship. And you will be confronted, if you get into a relationship, with your own superficialities, with your own difficulty being forthcoming, with your own irritability and rigidity, because it's in your chart, because you're a person and these are particulars of who you are. And if you avoid getting too close with people, then you never have to be confronted with things about yourself that you don't know how to deal with because you deal with them alone.

P.J.:                 Mm-hmm. That's real.

Jessica:            It's real.

P.J.:                 That's real.

Jessica:            I'll tell you this. If you can hold space for, "Not every moment is Disney princess kiss moment," if you ask the Universe for something more than the thing you've already had, which is moments, then you'll get it. Again, you're really good at manifesting. You've just been manifesting the wrong fucking thing.

P.J.:                 Thank you for that.

Jessica:            Yeah.

P.J.:                 Oh, this was such a gift. Thank you so much. Wow.

Jessica:            It is so my pleasure.