Welcome to Ghost of a Podcast. I'm your host, Jessica Lanyadoo. I'm an astrologer, psychic medium, and animal communicator, and I'm going to give you your weekly horoscope and no-bullshit mystical advice for living your very best life.

Jessica:            Pip, welcome to the podcast. What would you like a reading about?

Pip:                  Thank you, Jessica. Okay. So I'll read my question here: "Dear Jessica, for the past six to seven years, I have been struggling to keep my head above water financially. Every time I begin to catch up, something creeps up on me and changes my life or my financial situation. My fiancé has recently proposed that we start an OnlyFans account to perform niche categories of sexual acts to gain a loyal following, with the goal of a shared bank account that all of our bills are auto-drafted to, leaving us to never worry about paying a bill again.

                        "I am actually not totally opposed to the idea. However, I am currently internally opposed to intimacy with my partner, making the endeavor difficult for me to embark on. I have some deeply seated resentments about his history with finances and how I've allowed it to affect my life, and I believe financial freedom can lift the burden in our relationship and allow me to enjoy him for who he is again. But I can't bring myself to actually do the deed in so many occasions. I would love to know about what my birth chart indicates about issues concerning financial security and financial freedom as well as letting go of resentment. I feel this is important to sort out before embarking on this vulnerable journey, and your input would be invaluable to me. Thank you for your time and consideration."

Jessica:            Okay. Your question had me screaming when I read it. I was just like, "We need to talk." There's so many layers to it. So I have a couple background questions. Let's start there. How long have you been with this guy?

Pip:                  We've been together for eight years.

Jessica:            Eight years. Okay. And you were born [redacted], 1994, yeah?

Pip:                  Yeah.

Jessica:            Okay. So, if you were born in 1994, that means you've been with this guy for almost your whole 20s.

Pip:                  Yeah.

Jessica:            And I'm assuming you live together.

Pip:                  Yes.

Jessica:            Okay.

Pip:                  We've lived together for most of our relationship.

Jessica:            For most of your relationship. Are your finances currently merged?

Pip:                  We share a lot of responsibility. We have separate bank accounts that are both always teetering at zero. We've not been able to build that joint bank account or those shared savings in any way because we both have always struggled.

Jessica:            Yeah. And you referenced his irresponsibility with money and how that fucked your finances. You didn't say it like I did, but that's what you said, if I'm hearing it correctly, anyways. So what happened there? What's the thing there?

Pip:                  I'm not placing sole blame on him, because I am also irresponsible or I have a history of being irresponsible with money. I think at one point, I did have a little bit of an overspending problem. I accumulated quite a bit of debt. And by the time I got into therapy and addressed the issue, there were emergencies that were popping up requiring me to use the credit card that I just paid off. Between that and student loans, I myself have accumulated a lot of debt. So I'm not a victim in this situation totally.

Jessica:            Okay. Great. Excellent.

Pip:                  I also have faults here. The way that his role in this, I feel, has impacted me is when we first moved in together in our early 20s, we made a huge move. We moved from our home state across the country to a totally different state. I had gone to college for four years, so I had some experience being on my own and doing what I need to do without family and friends to rely on, I guess. And he did not go away to college, and he was moving out of his mom's house in with me for the first⁠—anything, for the first time, you know, doing anything.

                        And so I think he thought he could handle it. We even went to therapy before we moved. But once we got here, I think the pressure really sat on his shoulders, and I think things really accumulated quickly. And there was a season of panic. It was a serious season of depression/panic attacks for him. Scary stuff for me because I was coming out here to grind and get the job done and make it happen and build a successful life, and he was laying in bed crying every day, and he couldn't go to work and⁠—calling out of work.

                        Then things began to accumulate, and so I'd make up the difference and I'd put something on my credit card. And it started with little things, and then more and more, until the point where we couldn't meet rent because things happened the way they did and the money wasn't there. And I would end up putting rent on a credit card. And, "Oh, I'll pay you back," and he would pay me back, but by then, I was so strapped, it just got worse and worse. It snowballed.

Jessica:            How long did that last, that period of him not being able to work and all that kind of stuff?

Pip:                  To my memory, it was about a year of chaos. But the whole thing felt like it was two years of a really crazy roller-coaster ride. And then the pandemic hit, and the pandemic, I know, for so many people was a harrowing time. But for us, it was beautiful. We reconnected our relationship. We grew to love each other in ways that we never did before. We were so playful and fun. We live in a beautiful state with beautiful weather, and so we spent a lot of time outside with our dog. And it was, quite frankly, awesome. I feel bad saying that to the general public, but for us, it was.

Jessica:            What about financially, though?

Pip:                  He was able to get on unemployment at that time. We were both in restaurants. His restaurant totally closed. And I also was doing childcare, so I had part-time work still on the books that⁠—I was not able to get unemployment at that time. So it was weird because, finally, he was able to get ahead or keep his head above water, and I was digging myself deeper at that point.

Jessica:            And just so I'm understanding, he was able to keep his head above water because he secured unemployment insurance, not because of his ability to work.

Pip:                  Yeah.

Jessica:            Okay. I'm not sure if you're hearing that as well as I'm hearing that, but okay. So you were still struggling because you were still working, and you were working as an essential worker during the pandemic.

Pip:                  Right, and less than I would have been before March of 2020.

Jessica:            Of course. Of course. Yeah.

Pip:                  I actually⁠—before 2020, I was working three jobs, and I was a student full time throughout 2019. And so I just had the weight of the world on my shoulders. I took on a lot, and I knew I could do it. I'm tenacious, and I knew I could do it, but I felt so scared and angry with him for the way he reacted to all of the changes. Yet at the same time, I do love him so very much. And we weren't married⁠—we're still not⁠—but, you know, sickness and health. And I saw him in sickness, and I wanted to support him. And in doing so, I crossed that line of mothering and enabling and all of that.

Jessica:            Yeah. And somewhere in the mix, you stopped wanting to bone, it sounds like.

Pip:                  Mm-hmm.

Jessica:            Yeah. And how⁠—

Pip:                  Here and there.

Jessica:            Here and there, you stopped wanting to? Or you stopped wanting to for the most part?

Pip:                  It feels like it was a fluid thing. There were definitely times where it would be dry, seasons of dryness. And there were definitely times where it was not.

Jessica:            But I'm trying to ask you when that started.

Pip:                  Around the time of his depression and anxiety attacks.

Jessica:            So it was moving in together.

Pip:                  Yeah.

Jessica:            Okay, and having to kind of parent him. So that's, in an eight-year-relationship, what, six of the years?

Pip:                  Just about. Probably six, seven years. Yeah.

Jessica:            Six, seven years. Okay. So I'm still doing my fact-finding mission. We're going to get in there in a second here. Does he have any skills, training, or ambition to do a specific job? No judgment if he doesn't. You know what I mean? I don't think a person has to. But I'm asking, does he?

Pip:                  I believe so.

Jessica:            You believe so? If I asked him, would he say he did?

Pip:                  I think so. Yeah.

Jessica:            Okay. So he has training or skills where he could get a job?

Pip:                  Yes.

Jessica:            Okay. The reason why I'm asking is because my spidey-senses⁠—when a man says, "Let's do something niche sexual online as a way so that we can make money," my hackles go up a little bit. It's a short-term⁠—I mean, listen. Hey, listen. You could make a lot of money doing that, and there's nothing wrong or right about it. It's more if it's right or wrong for you. I got some hackles raised about it. And do you mind if I ask what the niche thing he thinks the two of you should do online is?

Pip:                  We can be creative. We have a history of being creative. So there's no one niche thing, kind of just exploring niche things in general and seeing if a fanbase accrues and if something sticks. And you know how content creators say when you put something out and it works, do more of that?

Jessica:            Yeah.

Pip:                  I think he was kind of thinking like that.

Jessica:            And he would need you to do this; it's not an idea that he can do on his own to make his own money?

Pip:                  I think the woman is always a bit more appealing when it comes to the general public in the category of porn.

Jessica:            I mean, you mean men spend more money on porn than women.

Pip:                  Yeah. Exactly. Exactly.

Jessica:            Yeah. That's what you're trying to say. Yeah.

Pip:                  Creepy older men. Yes.

Jessica:            Yeah. Yeah. So I'm going to start in the middle here to say this is why his idea raises my hackles, is because you've told me there's a pattern of both of you⁠—you're in your 20s. You're still trying to figure out how to make money. Also, fucking late-stage capitalism, etc. Right? So there's that. And his big solution is for you to put yourself in a position that will 100 percent affect your ability to work in other fields long term. It doesn't really affect men in that way, but it'll affect you in that way.

                        And you are the carrot in this big idea of his. So it doesn't really happen without you, but it could happen without him, right? So, again, you're in a position where you're taking care of him, and you're taking care of him financially. But also, let's say you like it. Let's say it makes you money, and you're like, "Hey, bitch, this is my path. I'm into this," ⁠which⁠—maybe, maybe not. But let's say that does happen, and you feel for some reason you need him. And the fact that you don't really want to have sex with him starts to become a bigger deal because now you're doing it because you have to because of your finances.

                        So you don't pay rent unless you do whatever things that a bunch of men really like, not things that you like⁠—things that men who are not even the guy that you're ambiguous about having sex with some of the time likes. First of all, I mean, red flags dotted all over this beach, okay? And then the other thing is, if you don't like having sex with him now, just lock yourself into it. Put yourself where you financially have to do it and see how little you like having sex with him. Do you know what I'm saying?

Pip:                  I want to make something clear⁠—

Jessica:            Thank you.

Pip:                  ⁠—is that it's not that I don't like having sex with him. I do. We have fun. We have fun, and we have connection. And when we do, it's good. But for me, I feel there is a significant portion of the time where I am keen to reject an offer because I have resentments swirling around my body almost to the point where tactile is like, "Please stop."

Jessica:            Yeah. You know what? I'll tell you I'm glad you clarified it, but I did get that from your question. You did a good job of expressing that. Your question has so many layers to it, but what is exceptionally clear is that you have had to take care of this man in ways that, yes, you take responsibility for consenting to, and also, what else were you going to do? You felt backed into a corner and that that dynamic hasn't actually gone away. It's evolved. Sometimes it's worse; sometimes it's better.

                        But this is the problem with moving in with a man or a person, any gender, right after they live in their mom's house, where they're the child and they get taken care of, and then they move into somebody they're dating's house. It does put you in a position, in the exact position you were in, where there's nothing less sexy⁠—even if you have a mommy fantasy, there is nothing less sexy than putting yourself in a position where you're⁠—

Pip:                  I don't.

Jessica:            No. Of course, I see that in your chart. You do not. But even if you did, it's not hot to have to take care of someone in a way that is because they haven't figured out how to take care of themselves.

Pip:                  Yeah.

Jessica:            And I want to acknowledge some of what happened is he had a mental health crisis. But some of that is very real and very personal to him, and he had a mental health crisis. And that is not what I'm referring to. What I'm referring to is the lack of initiative he took to prepare for the move. It was all fantasy to him. He was like, "It'll be great. It'll be fine. It'll be great." I'm saying that right, right?

Pip:                  You are. I think that's his attitude on life in a lot of ways.

Jessica:            Agreed. Well, that's obvious by his big fucking idea that the two of you should get an OnlyFans. Girl, I didn't need to look at your chart or look at it psychically. I haven't even looked at it psychically yet. But any man whose big idea for the two of you to develop financial freedom forever is to get an OnlyFans is not a man who's got a real structured, pragmatic approach to the material world. In essence, he's like, "You'll make us money, babe. You're hot. We fuck good. Let's fuck for people."

Pip:                  It's so true.

Jessica:            Yeah. And so I will just, straight out the gate, say to you this is a terrible fucking idea, not because OnlyFans is inherently a bad idea. I actually haven't even considered whether that's a good idea or a bad idea for you because maybe you could make good money on OnlyFans, and you should have your own OnlyFans. But why would you make this man money like that?

Pip:                  I don't⁠—let's talk about it.

Jessica:            Yeah, because my concern is this is just another opportunity for you to take care of him and you to resent him because now you're not just making money for you; you're making money for the two of you. Now you're not just trying to figure out how to budget for groceries. You have to deal with his fucking whims of fancy. The guy is just⁠—he's all over the place.

Pip:                  He is.

Jessica:            And so sometimes he makes good decisions, and sometimes I'm seeing you're just like, "That is what you bought at a store? Wait. That is how you handled the dishes? What? Wait. What?" And so you're in this position where you're constantly having to navigate him. I'm seeing this correctly, aren't I?

Pip:                  You are seeing this so correctly. Spot-on. Spot-on.

Jessica:            I'm so sorry/you're welcome. And so all to say it's a terrible fucking idea, okay? And I think that there's three separate topics for us to address. There's your relationship with this man. There's your finances. And then there's your shared finances and shared responsibilities. And these are three separate topics that Venn diagram all over each other. They overlap/overlap, but they are three separate topics. So I want to ask you, what do you do for money currently?

Pip:                  Without saying too much, I am a healthcare provider to some degree for children with disabilities.

Jessica:            Okay. Great. And do you like the work?

Pip:                  Love it.

Jessica:            Okay. So this is something you want to do long term.

Pip:                  I struggle with that question daily.

Jessica:            Okay. And is it because you don't want to do it now, or you can see how it needs to evolve because it's so high burnout?

Pip:                  It is so high burnout. The problem for me with the job is actually the documentation. I love the work. I love the hands-on work. I love the connection. I love the helping and the growing. It's incredible. Everything humanistic about it is great for me. But the part that really sucks for me is the documentation. And I'm constantly in trouble. I'm constantly in trouble with my company, my supervisor, my office.

Jessica:            Okay. So we're going to come back to that in a moment. But this is what you haven't gotten an education for, correct? This is in the realm of what you studied for?

Pip:                  Yes.

Jessica:            Okay. Great. So this is clearly your goal. Whether or not you're deciding now you can do it long term, this was your goal. You've worked hard to achieve this, and here you are.

Pip:                  Yes.

Jessica:            Okay.

Pip:                  Just to slip this in there as well, part of the big decision is I'd like to become a [redacted], but it requires a master's degree. And I'd love to go back to graduate school, but money, you know? Money.

Jessica:            Yeah. Yep.

Pip:                  My undergraduate degree was in psychology. So I could take that in several different directions.

Jessica:            Absolutely.

Pip:                  I could become a therapist. I could do a lot of things.

Jessica:            I just want to acknowledge that becoming really famous on OnlyFans is maybe not consistent with wanting to work with children for a living. Is that correct?

Pip:                  I agree. I definitely agree.

Jessica:            Okay. And your partner would know that, correct?

Pip:                  Yes.

Jessica:            And you know that.

Pip:                  I absolutely know that.

Jessica:            Okay. So I want to just ground you into this because I believe that all relationships⁠—love relationships⁠—have problems. But there's two different kinds of problems. There's the problems that help us heal, and there's the problems that keep us in our bullshit and hold us back. And I'm concerned⁠—again, I'm putting another red flag. This one's taller, okay? About his big idea is to kind of⁠—I won't say destroy, but materially fuck with your very clear plans that you worked your buns off to achieve, and that you didn't quite clock that. Right?

                        So we're going to come back to that, okay? In regards to this career path, you could make enough money⁠, whether you decide to stay in this exact field⁠—you go. You get your master's. You kind of come around. You go into therapy. Either way, you're not making the money you need now, but you could. You're on the path to be able to have enough money not to own property on the coast or anything, but to be solid as is reasonable to think in, again, late-stage fucking capitalism. Am I seeing that correctly, though?

Pip:                  Yeah. And I could be solid now if it wasn't for the amount of stupid debt that I've accumulated in my early 20s.

Jessica:            Correct. Correct. Okay. So I want to acknowledge that something that I think is incredibly important, both in the context of your finances and in the context of your relationship⁠—you have done a good job of adulting. You fucked up in a lot of ways. We'll get there. But you have done a good job of adulting. You set goals to do work that is meaningful to you and that happens to pay sufficiently, and there are problems inevitably, but that you are on a path and that this path does not need suggestions like on the computer robots. Right? That's actually not going to help you in any way. Can we agree on that?

Pip:                  We agree on that. Yes.

Jessica:            Okay. Okay. Cool, cool, cool, cool, cool. Are you interested in sex work at all? Have you ever been interested in doing sex work?

Pip:                  There was a time in my life where I was really intrigued by the sugaring thing. I was younger. It was before I met my partner.

Jessica:            You were really young.

Pip:                  I had a friend⁠—I was young. Yeah. I was in college, and my friend's friend from home had some pretty interesting stories. And I was like, "Oh, that's interesting." And I definitely thought about it. And it was interesting because just a few months back, I got an offer, a naturalistic offer from a person in the real world who I knew. And it was pretty fucked up. His wife was on her deathbed.

Jessica:            Oh God.

Pip:                  And he asked me to come upstairs and keep him company, and he'd like to make a habit of it and pay me. And so I left, and I was polite to keep it⁠—I was awkward, you know, but I never spoke to the man again. So it really shook me up when it happened, which tells me that something in my nervous system says no. And it's kind of the same gut feeling that I get at this idea that my sweetheart has.

Jessica:            Here's my worry. I'm just going to be totally direct, okay? And I apologize in advance.

Pip:                  I can handle it.

Jessica:            But here's my worry. The problem with the relationship⁠—now, I see there's lots of great things. But the problem with the relationship is he's not great at adulting. He is not a person who takes a great deal of initiative to take care of himself. And therefore, a lot of the maintenance of his adult life falls upon you. Am I seeing that correctly?

Pip:                  Historically, that has been the pattern. And we've gone to therapy.

Jessica:            I'm going to rein you in. I'm not talking about therapy. I'm talking about actions.

Pip:                  Okay. Okay.

Jessica:            So you're talking about going to couples counseling for a problem that's his problem. And so I'm going to rein you in here because if you and I go to couples counseling over something in our friendship, but that something in our friendship is that I tell all your secrets, then why the fuck are we going to couples counseling? Girl, I just need to stop breaking your confidence. Right? Right. Right?

Pip:                  Mm-hmm.

Jessica:            This is where I want to just ground you because you are taking a collaborative approach to his problems.

Pip:                  Yes. Yes.

Jessica:            Okay.

Pip:                  And also, when we did go to therapy, a lot of emphasis was placed on the fact that I have some issues. For example, I am controlling and bossy. I micromanaged his decisions, and he wound up in a place where he was not happy⁠—therefore, having this breakdown. Our therapist told me to take a step back and let him sink or swim. And this has been about a year since then.

                        And I did take a step back to let him sink or swim, and I've actually been impressed with a lot of his choices. But I've not been impressed with a lot of other choices. It's like he grows⁠—he climbs the ladder and he grows in the area I ask him to, but it's not generalized.

Jessica:            And also, in this year where you're letting him sink or swim, he came up with this idea that would cost you the career you're building but make him a lot of money.

Pip:                  It sounds so ugly when you say it like that.

Jessica:            I mean, listen. I see things in your chart that indicate that you could roll with sex work. And sex work is a massive umbrella. You know what I mean? It's radically different to have sex with your partner in the privacy of your own home and put it on an OnlyFans than to have sex with a random man whose wife is dying in the other room. There's lots of different kinds of sexual labor and a lot of different kinds of situations, right?

                        And sometimes I look at someone's chart, and I'm like, "This is not for you." But with you, that's not inherently what I'm concerned about. I'm concerned about this wasn't your idea, for a good reason. There's a lot of things that you risk with this idea, and he risks nothing. And you are on a really good path. Yeah, it's brambly. There's problems. But you're on a path. You've already put labor and care and money and time into this.

                        And my red flag, again, is this man's idea is completely inconsiderate of those things. And there's something that happened where you didn't clock that, and I think that's because it's a pattern with the two of you is that when he figures out how to take care of himself, you're like, "Whatever you need to do, babe. Let's do this. I want to help you figure out what to do with life." But it kind of comes at your expense.

Pip:                  Yeah, I guess so. Yeah.

Jessica:            So listen. It's super common in long-term relationships like yours for one or both people to not want to have sex anymore. It happens when somebody becomes like family. You know what I mean? That's not super hot. It happens. You get familiar. But also, a really common thing that happens is what's happened in your relationship where there is a dynamic where you're kind of mothering him; you're parenting him.

                        So okay. You micromanage. Of course, you micromanage. Of course, you micromanage. You're having to manage everything. And you don't have the time and energy to sit around and thoughtfully consider, "What does he need?" because he's actually not your dependent. He's not supposed to be your dependent. So, of course, in your early 20s you developed a habit where you micromanaged him. I mean, yeah.

                        And your therapist, your couples counselor, did a good job by being like, "Pull back." But that's not because the primary problem is you're micromanaging. It's because when you pull back, he reveals himself to you. He shows you who he is and what he's capable of as an adult in this year, in 2024. And then you get to make decisions based on that awareness. Are you trying to have human babies? Are you trying to procreate and coparent with this person?

Pip:                  I am like 75 percent sold on having human babies, period, with anybody.

Jessica:            Okay. Is he 100 percent, 20 percent? What's his⁠—

Pip:                  I don't know his percent. I know he wants to be a parent. We talk about being parents frequently.

Jessica:            Okay.

Pip:                  And he also works with children, believe it or not. So we both have some pretty good experience, and we've even worked together with children. So we've kind of had this experience of being a team in care, and we found that we're quite good at it. So it did make us feel hopeful about being parents.

Jessica:            So let me just interject. In my experience counseling couples over the years, money is one of the biggest reasons why people beak up. And it's not because capitalism. It's because of shared responsibility, negotiation of reality, time management, energy management. And my take on marriage, because I'm personally not⁠—I don't vibe with it. It gives me this understanding that marriage is a legal document. It's like you are legally bound, and that binding is primarily financial. Right? That's the thing. You're merging resources when you get married, whether or not you want to. That's a thing.

                        And I have seen over and over and over again that the breakdown of labor in the home⁠—so cooking, cleaning, that kind of shit, paying bills⁠—and interwoven into that, because we live in capitalism, is money management⁠—who makes money, how the money's made, how it gets spent, all that kind of shit⁠—is foundational to a partnership.

                        So I think that this issue⁠—I'm glad you reached out about it because the love that's there and the fact that you kind of have grown up together is all really so beautiful and so valuable. Here's the big, fat "but." The "but" is these problems don't get better on their own. And getting married will put more pressure on them. Having kids will put more and more pressure on them. And so these are great problems to deal with before those two things happen.

Pip:                  My thoughts exactly.

Jessica:            Yeah, 100 percent. So I'm going to have you say your name and then say his full name.

Pip:                  All right. My name is [redacted], and his name is [redacted].

Jessica:            Does he come from family money?

Pip:                  No.

Jessica:            Did his mom kind of indulge him?

Pip:                  She enabled him.

Jessica:            That's what I was asking. Yes. Okay.

Pip:                  Yeah.

Jessica:            Do you have a 50/50 split with house care and all that kind of good stuff?

Pip:                  Generally, yeah.

Jessica:            Do you organize that split? Do you organize the labor, and then he goes and does what you say?

Pip:                  In the beginning, I was doing a lot more, and he simply didn't know how to do the cleaning things. And over time, he has really stepped up after I've expressed my discomfort at the brink of insanity because I'm screaming and yelling from the rooftop. He has stepped up, and I've burned out.

And so it's kind of been this weird switch where now I am in nervous system burnout, and I sometimes will just sleep and neglect my responsibilities. And I'll let the dishes pile up to here and the cat poop in the litter box pile up to here. And I will just accept filthiness, and then I feel disgusting about myself because that's not how I'm raised. And my mom is so clean, and by grandma's probably watching down on me saying⁠—

Jessica:            So how are those things happening if he's doing 50 percent of the labor, though? I don't understand. So, when you're⁠—

Pip:                  Well, my point is he's stepped up and he's been taking care of them. Sorry. I didn't get all the way there. He's stepped up, and he has been taking care of more recently, and I've been taking care of less. So it's almost hypocritical because I've been doing a lot less.

Jessica:            So here's my concern. The way that you're describing your relationship dynamic is that you've spent years and years and years of your 20s in a partnership with somebody that you had to take care of and you had to teach things that you're just learning, right? And that when you have a couple months here and there in your late 20s⁠—when you have a couple months here and there where you need him to do not what you've been doing, but almost what you've been doing, you feel, "Oh, the tables have turned."

You feel maybe even a sense of guilt or, like, "Shit. I'm asking him to do the"⁠—I mean, you're saying the tables have turned. I don't know that the tables have turned. I would say there's finally room for you to have needs, and so you're having needs. Again, I have a real red flag here because I think your relationship dynamic is so established, and in the relationship dynamic, there is not room for you to have a meltdown. And if you have a need, you have to scream. You have to be dramatic. You have to have a nervous system dysregulation instead of, "Bitch, I have a need. I love you, but come on. Help me. I'm having a hard time."

It seems to me like, in the world of boyfriend/girlfriend, in the world of "I love you and you love me, and we trust each other and we're besties and we have great chemistry and all those things," you have something really special. But in the realm of adult-on-adult partnership, financial enmeshment, life planning, supporting each other and getting to the next level, there's a parental dynamic where you're stuck in a bit of an exhausted single-mother role.

Pip:                  Yeah. I mean, even though he's taken steps to improve and he's showing me how hard he's trying and how he's listened to me the best that he could in the ways he knew how to, blah, blah, blah⁠—yeah. I've never described it in that way, but that's pretty funny, feeling like a single mother, exhausted single mother.

Jessica:            I mean, that's kind of the dynamic you've had. And so, to the literal question that you asked when you wrote in to the podcast, hopefully you got a clear answer about, "Should I do sex work? Should I not do sex work?" The answer is, please, I beg of you, don't. And if you decide to do an OnlyFans or do sex work in another capacity, do it for yourself, by yourself, is what I would say. And listen. Maybe for yourself ends up being with him.

                        This isn't the way. This isn't the moment. And it is a massive red flag that he thinks it is. Does that part make sense? Does that part click?

Pip:                  It does. It does.

Jessica:            Okay. Okay. Good. I'm sorry. Good. I'm going to add one more word to that. Your Venus is at 3 degrees and 38 minutes of Scorpio. That means that next year, Pluto is going to form a square to your Venus for two years. And this is a very bad time to do sex work. For the next two years, I would encourage you to be conservative in terms of sexual content online personally, because Pluto square to Venus⁠—nothing permanent, thank you. Just transformation, thank you. You know what I mean?

Pluto brings up really private issues. So I want to encourage you to take care of yourself in that regard. And if, again, in a couple of years, you change your mind, get at it, girl. Do your thing. Again, none of this is a judgment towards an OnlyFans or sex work for you in general. It's just about the how and the why and the when. All of that's off.

I think that the next thing is talking about the relationship. But is that what you want, or is there something else that would be more helpful?

Pip:      That's what I want.

Jessica:            Okay. Great. So I don't know what state you live in. Do you have an IUD?

Pip:      No.

Jessica:            Okay. And do you have safer sex?

Pip:      We actually don't engage in very much penetration at all.

Jessica:            Great.

Pip:      We do non-penetrative sex.

Jessica:            Great. So sex that can't get you pregnant.

Pip:      Yeah.

Jessica:            Okay. I'm going to just tell you again, with a Pluto square to Venus, it's generally not a great time to get pregnant. And it is a time when people have unplanned pregnancies quite a bit. So, when you have sex that can produce a human child, use a condom. Always have the condoms. You might feel, "Oh, it doesn't really matter. I can tell I'm not going to get pregnant today." No. No. Use a condom or don't do it is my advice because this is a really challenging period for you.

                        And over the next couple of years, you will either get a lot closer or recognize what isn't working. Where we are exactly right now⁠—and I'm sure this reading is part of it⁠—and also the month of May, you're having a blush of this transit. And it doesn't go into full effect until February of 2025. February 2025, you enter into it solid for two years, okay?

                        Now, before I start barreling through, let me see. Do you have any specific or general question you want to ask about the relationship?

Pip:                  I have a lot.

Jessica:            Okay.

Pip:                  So I think this past year, as I've gone through a bunch of bizarre Saturn stuff, including Saturn Return and a few other impactful transits, I have been made aware of not only my role in it but kind of looking from above, like the way that you describe it, an outsider looking in at the relationship. I've been made aware of the dynamic. And in my mind, I feel like this big question hanging over me, like do I set an ultimatum? Do I accept him for who he is, knowing that he has problems⁠—all people have problems⁠—knowing all the things that are good about him?

                        It's really confusing for me to navigate and understand how to make a decision that is good for me about the future of this relationship and the future of my life. I don't have a long-term plan, really. I have ideas of what a long-term plan could be. I have a 20-year goal. And I have no benchmarks. And I don't know what I want to do next for myself, even, nonetheless for my relationship or anything like that. And so⁠—

Jessica:            So let me interrupt just because you're bringing in⁠—again, it's like these two different topics, and you're smooshing them together, which⁠—

Pip:                  I do that.

Jessica:            Yeah, which I respect. But it's going to be harder and harder for me to give you a substantive answer if we do that. So let me just ground you here to say a couple things.

Pip:                  Okay.

Jessica:            The first thing is I believe everything you just said. I believe everything you just said, that you don't have a plan, that you're kind of all over the place. You have a 20-year plan, but no real plan. And also, that's completely false. It is a total lie you're telling yourself, and it's a story you're telling yourself. You're floop-de-dooped. But look at you. You made a plan. You decided where you wanted to move. You took schooling, and now you have the job.

                        And as you have the job, you have decisions to make about this job. Do you go this way, that way, or that way? You objectively have made choices and built a career path that is meaningful to you. So I absolutely know what you're talking about when you say, "I'm all over the place. I don't know what I want." But also, objectively, you do know what you want, and you've worked very hard to create it.

                        So part of what you're doing is you're conflating your emotional nature and the sometimes scattered nature of your thinking⁠—you're conflating that with how you're actually objectively living. Objectively, you make lots of bananas choices, but also, you make lots of really grounded, stable, efficient choices for yourself. They're both true because you're a person. And you're actually pretty good at adulting.

                        Again, I see you've got this⁠—ways that that is completely not true. I want to acknowledge that I see that.

Pip:                  Yeah. Neuro-spicy for sure.

Jessica:            Absolutely. I see it. And I don't want to pretend that's not real and that that's not hard. But I also don't want to pretend that you haven't taken such effective and efficient material steps and achieved a lot, exactly as much as we would hope for by this age.

Pip:                  Thanks for saying that.

Jessica:            Yeah.

Pip:                  It's nice to hear that.

Jessica:            Because of your Sagittarius Moon, you're going to tell stories. You're a storyteller. You're constantly telling stories, stories, stories, stories, stories. And the stories that you're used to telling are that you're fucked up, that you're not organized, that you don't know what you want. But that's a lie. There's an element of that story being a true story, but you tell that story as if it's the only story to tell; it's the most honest and humble story to tell. And it's not.

                        And so I want to ground you into that because here's a fucking boner. If you were to own how good you are at adulting, if you were to own how you've set goals through a lot of drama⁠—you've achieved your goals⁠—if you were to own that you're actually poised between several different career options that all could support you well and do good in the world, then you would have to deal with the big gap between you and your fiancé and the behavioral gap between the two of you.

                        And that is not one that you really want to deal with, because it's an answer of sorts. It's not a definitive answer, but it is an answer of sorts. The truth of the matter is if you were saying to me, "Jessica, do you think I should break up with this guy?" I would have a set of things to say. But if you're saying to me, "Jessica, do you think I should marry this guy and have human children with this guy?" that's a completely different issue as far as I'm concerned. Does that make sense, the difference?

Pip:                  No.

Jessica:            Okay. I will explain. Having a boyfriend⁠—you love him. He loves you. Sometimes it's stupid. Sometimes it's awesome. You've tied your lives together, but because you loved each other, not because you are organizing your life around him forever, even though you have been, your whole adult life, pretty much, organizing your life around him and his needs, which⁠—again, another shade of red in the flag upon the beach that is in your life. But okay. Okay.

Pip:                  Oh my goodness.

Jessica:            Sorry, but listen. Caring for people is good. Supporting people you love is good. I mean, I don't want to take any of that from you. I just don't see that it's reciprocal. And I think when you have a shitty month and you need him to just do basic, normal step-up things, it's such a contrast to how he usually is, you feel like, "Oh my God. Look at him. Oh my God. Look at me."

                        Again, there's something really parental in your relationship with him where you doing 80 percent is normal. And so, if you need him to do 50 percent, it feels really different. It feels like you're not doing 30 percent of what you should be doing. Your body is telling you really clearly, in regards to the sexual stuff, that you don't feel safe with him in your body consistently. And when I say safe, I don't mean safe like he's dangerous to you. I mean your relationship has been predicated on you running from your nervous system to take care of things instead of being in your body and sensually connecting with your partner, who you have a reciprocal dynamic with. Does that make sense?

Pip:                  Yes, it does.

Jessica:            Yeah. So, when you're in regular days, even when there's nothing wrong, your habit, which is a well-developed habit at this point because you've been together so many years, is that you're running it out of your nervous system. And this is not inherently like a response to trauma that you experienced before you met him, although there might be strands of that.

                        This is really about you need to take care of this person. "What's going to happen next? What do I have to do?" The therapist called it micromanaging. Sure. Yes. Yeah. Also, it's been a necessity. So it's kind of complicated to expect that you would have the adaptability to go into parental mode and then down to partner mode easily, fluidly, whenever he needs it, whenever it works for him, because that's kind of unfortunately the setup.

                        So I think you really love him. I do. I see you love him, and you like him. I see he's your bestie. He's seriously your bestie.

Pip:                  He is.

Jessica:            And he's your family. That's not a small thing. I think why you want to be married to this man is because he's your family.

Pip:                  Yeah.

Jessica:            Yeah. Outside of comfy, cozy bestie styles, I don't see that he improves your life.

Pip:                  That makes me really quite sad to hear and think about and reflect on because there's a lot of ways that I could name that I feel he has improved my life. And there's probably a list just as long on the contrary.

Jessica:            Mm-hmm. Again, he's your best friend. Of course, he's improved your life in a million ways. His kindness, the fact that he knows you⁠—and I think this is like 80 percent of it, 70 percent of it, is that he knows you. He really knows you, and he loves what he knows. And I think that that⁠—especially if you struggle with self-esteem stuff, but literally anyone wants that. We all want that, somebody who gets you, knows you, and likes and loves you, even when you're driving them bananas. That is a huge gift. It is a huge gift.

                        What I'm talking about is very like⁠—you have center at 8 degrees. Your Saturn Return just ended, right? And Saturn Return is when we usually get married or get divorced because you're confronted with the reality, not the potential, not the feeling, but the reality. And of course, you're talking to a fucking triple Capricorn astrologer who can be a bit of a Capri-daddy. And so I can't help but be like, okay, let's look at⁠—not the support he's giving you, which is expected from a partnership like the two of you have, right? That doesn't make it less precious. I want to be clear. It's precious. The support he's giving you is precious. The love he gives you is precious.

                        But when I look at the kind of material reality parts of adulting, which are the thing when it comes to marriage and coparenting⁠—it's navigating the day-to-day material realities that we find ourselves in. It's being able to see a crisis and be like, "Oh my God. I know what to do. This is a crisis. I'm going to do x, y, and z instead of waiting for instruction."

Pip:                  This is like the thing I try to explain to him that I'm not sure if it sinks in. And so I⁠—

Jessica:            It does not. My friend, it does not.

Pip:                  He very much explains it to me in a way that I'm inept to being empathetic about because I work with neurodivergent folks. And so he explains it in a way that when he's overstimulated, when he's dysregulated, but particularly overstimulated, it's hard for him to think straight. And then that's why he loads the dishwasher weird. That's why he doesn't follow through on the behavior plan with our reactive dog, stuff like that. And he knows that I'm just going to say, "Okay."

Jessica:            Right.

Pip:                  But for the past year, since I've gotten that advice from our therapist, I have just said, "Okay." And what I've been doing⁠—and I hate to say this because I don't want to make it sound like I have been counting, but I've been clocking it, and I've just kind of been noticing, like, I've been Saturn Return. It's been made obvious to me in ways, and I've been clocking it. And yeah.

Jessica:            Is it enough for you? You've been clocking it, but what have you clocked? Let me actually interject before you answer that question, which is to say ultimatums are bullshit. However, knowing what your boundaries are for what you need for your life is healthy. So what's the difference? The difference between an ultimatum and saying, "I need you to be able to follow through on your word because I need my partner to be somebody who's good to his word, not perfect, but consistently good to his word"⁠—he says he's going to show up for dinner at the taco truck at 6:00 p.m.; he's there at fucking 6:00, not at 6:30. You know, just good to his word.

                        That is not an ultimatum if you embody the boundary. If you know that you'll only participate and invest in a dynamic that is healthy and consensual, and if it's not healthy and consensual, that you will take care of your own needs, that is not an ultimatum. An ultimatum is, "I'm going to manipulate and control you based on these external things I'm putting out."

                        And I want to say I don't think you're setting up ultimatums for him. I think you're trying to assess whether or not he can step into the role of adult because he hasn't yet sufficiently. It's not like he's never done it, but it's just not equal enough. And equal doesn't mean identical. He can be better at loading the dishes, and you can be better at sweeping the floor. But there's a problem with equality between the two of you, and it is something that kind of pulls you back into⁠—I know you guys didn't meet in high school, that this isn't a high school relationship, but it feels a lot like a high school relationship to me.

Pip:                  Oh. Interesting.

Jessica:            Yeah. It feels like you've got this love and tenderness and playfulness that comes from being really young and knowing each other kind of for before you hit adulthood. Think some of that is also just the fact that you guys are really playful and goofy in this particular way with each other that you crave and you love and that is normal for him; it's his natural state.

                        But all to say I asked a question and I interrupted you because I could hear you feeling bad about the fact that you are clocking his progress, right? He said he was going to do something. Is he actually doing it? And again, it is healthy to clock that. It's not healthy to ignore evidence. So I just wanted to give you that. But all to say, in the last year, what have you noticed? Has he been adulting more efficiently in the relationship?

Pip:                  In the past year, he has definitely stepped up in home duties, things around the home. He's also really stepped up in earning money in more than one way. But there are oversights because, like you were kind of saying before, the whole "Everything's fine" attitude, like Imagination Land type thing⁠—I just don't think it's innate for him to foresee the bad. I think he lives in kind of a fairy land, like a la-la land, and everything's good.

                        And so it's not his first instinct to protect himself from bad. So he started this job freelancing, and he didn't do a contract despite my advice. And I knew the family going into it, and I said, "You're going to want a contract with this one." And then guess what ended up happening.

Jessica:            Of course.

Pip:                  It fell through. It was really detrimental. It was really scary. And it ended up working out, but there was still no contract.

Jessica:            Okay. Let me just ground this because I'm going to give you the advice that I have, and I don't think you're going to take it. I am not attached to people taking my advice, for the record. You don't have to take my advice.

Pip:                  I value your advice.

Jessica:            I appreciate that. But I preface the advice with I don't think you're going to take this advice, and I am not mad at it. If you are not going to break up with him straight out the gate, which I don't imagine you're doing even though it is on the table, I feel, emotionally for you⁠—and I think that's healthy and appropriate. If you do want to marry this man and you do want to coparent with this man and take on those kinds of responsibilities for the rest of your human adult life, my advice is for the two of you to get separate apartments and live separately for a year and date.

Pip:                  Wow. I've thought about that. It's not financially possible.

Jessica:            So you couldn't get roommates? Each of you couldn't get roommates and live essentially as you're living now?

Pip:                  I guess⁠—I know I could get a roommate. I have a friend who⁠—yeah.

Jessica:            But also, the world exists with roommates. People don't always know their roommates before they become roommates, and then they become roommates, and that's how you meet new people sometimes. I'm going to challenge you on this one because I'm not saying that either of you could live alone. Also, that would be a little like why, a little bit why?

But I'm curious about his capacity to not live with his mommy and not live with his mommy. Oops, I said it weird. You know what I'm saying. You know what I'm saying. I did it on purpose. I'm curious, and I think you could really benefit from going to his apartment and seeing how he lives without you managing him.

Pip:                  I think about that all the time.

Jessica:            I think that he deserves to know where he's at without⁠—we can call it you micromanaging him, or without him using you as a human shield for not knowing what he's doing. I'm not saying break up with him. I'm not saying open up the relationship. I'm saying, if you want to stay with him, that's the way. That's the way to figure out whether or not it is a good choice.

Pip:                  Wow.

Jessica:            And it would cost you both a little more money than it costs you now. But the truth is I honestly think you can afford it. It might force him to make better choices so he could afford it because now you are a little enabling him. You're enabling each other to stay in this dynamic where you're constantly hustling to make it work. But if you had a roommate, what would change?

                        Here's the thing. I think that you have big decisions to make with what you want to do with your career and how you want to do it, and he's holding you back from making those decisions. And I don't think it's because of what he's actively doing. I think it's because of your dynamic. You have to stay small here because you're already so much bigger than him.

And the truth is you are very effective and you're very efficient, but you're never fucking alone. And I think you need to spend some time alone, like actually alone, actually alone where you're not navigating and negotiating with this person who is somebody you are chronically taking care of after spending a day doing what for a living? Taking care of people.

Pip:                  I say that. When I'm having bad days, that's what I say when I complain. "I take care of people all day, and then I take care of you."

Jessica:            Yeah. Well, I'm saying on a good day that that's true, and that an investment in the future of your relationship if you want to grow old with this person is to move out. It's for the two of you to find roommates and to change the dynamic, to grow up a little bit⁠—

Pip:                  Wow.

Jessica:            ⁠—separate from each other. And then you can choose each other, and it won't be the same fucking dynamic that you've had since you were 22 years old.

Pip:                  Wow.

Jessica:            He won't like this idea.

Pip:                  He's going to be so sad.

Jessica:            Yeah. But it would be so good for you, and that says everything, doesn't it?

Pip:                  His sadness definitely makes me fear even confronting him. You know? Yeah. It's going to be sad to talk about it.

Jessica:            His sadness is⁠—he's entitled to feeling sad. And some of his sadness would be, "I love you. Is this a step towards breaking up?" And he should hear that. Yeah. "It's not a step towards breaking up, but baby, we wouldn't have to do it if we didn't have really big problems. It's a step towards not breaking up, but it's an acknowledgement of our problems."

And he's allowed to feel sad about it because you have been his parent, and so you have been shielding him from having to hold the pain of what's wrong with the relationship, like a good parent does. You work with kids. You know that that doesn't actually help the kid in the long term. This is an adult man, right? He's almost 30? Am I correct?

Pip:                  He is 30.

Jessica:            He's 30. He should live alone. He should live with a roommate. He should live alone. He should figure out how to do it. He should figure out how to do all of it. He should know what it is that he's leaning on you for because, honey, you know he has no idea. He only knows because you've told him. And if the two of you make this decision and then he falls apart, you need to know that. That means he's your dependent.

Pip:                  Yeah. I think that's one of my fears, too.

Jessica:            Yes. That's a good fear. It's a good fear. If he's your dependent, that doesn't mean you break up with him, but it might make you think twice before having kids with him and coparenting with him because you need him to be your fucking counterpart, your 50 percent. And your 50 percent⁠—

Pip:                  I say that to him all the time.

Jessica:            Yeah. Okay. So here's the thing. Saying it to him and not backing it up with actions is what's fucking you up. You already know everything I'm telling you, but you're not acting on that knowledge.

Pip:                  Yeah.

Jessica:            You're waiting for him to become a different person. That's not going to happen.

Pip:                  Yeah.

Jessica:            You be the different person. You be the change that you need to see in your own life, and he will either rise to the challenge or he will not. And you both deserve to know the answer because you're both young enough and old enough that it's time you figure it out⁠—

Pip:                  Ouch.

Jessica:            ⁠—before you get married, before you get pregnant. Sorry. But you know all of this, right? The words I'm saying, you've said to him. It's time for you to hold the boundary. It's, "I love you. I want to be with you. And I don't know if it works. And so I want to live separate to see who you are and who I am in these material ways." We're talking about finances and self-care and management of schedules. It's the bullshit. It's the stuff.

                        That's the problem. It's not how he loves you. It's not how the two of you are together. For you, it's the stuff that exists in a post-Saturn Return world in a radically different way than in a pre-Saturn Return world. You can baby a man for the rest of your life if you choose to. Girl, you would not be the first or the last.

Pip:                  That would suck, though.

Jessica:            It's not what you want. But if it's hard to risk losing him now, how much harder is it when you're married? How much harder is it when you have a kid?

Pip:                  Well, to be honest with you, we've been engaged since 2020, and we're still not married. And so⁠—

Jessica:            Yeah. There's a good reason for that. Listen. I'm forever affianced. I'm a fan of never getting married. So I don't think that's a bad thing. But I think what is a true thing is that you don't know yet what's right for you. You have a lot of suspicions about what's wrong, and you know what you wish was right. Okay. So I gave advice that you already knew was the right advice. Live separately for a year. See how it goes. I think it should be two years, if I'm being totally honest, because of the Pluto transit.

Pip:                  Wow.

Jessica:            And I understand that this feels sad and bad, but the truth of the matter is I think you'll save money. It'll give him the opportunity and the push to be in full adulthood and take full responsibility for who he is capable of being. He doesn't know who he's capable of being. He's been leaning on you too much, and you've been enabling.

                        Okay. So this is an opportunity for him to grow the fuck up. And nobody enjoys growing up. Nobody. That's not fun. But that doesn't mean it's not good for you. I don't think living separately is going to be bad for you at all, except for that you feel sad and bad for him. And that means you should do it.

Pip:                  Sometimes I feel a little excited when I think about it.

Jessica:            Yeah, as well you should. And again, that doesn't mean you don't date. That doesn't mean you're seeing other people or anything like that. It means you figure out who you are before you cross the threshold into marriage. That's all. It's a transition. If he says, "I need you to help me find a roommate. I don't know what to do. I can't do it," that's a red flag, okay? He needs a friend to help him with that, not you. Does he have any friends?

Pip:                  He has some friends.

Jessica:            Okay. Good. So he needs a friend to help him with that, not you. If he ends up couch surfing for a year, hoping you figure it out and change your mind, do not take on another lease with him.  You need to see him how he adults. I'm curious: will he put sheets on his bed? I'm curious: will he rack up credit card debt without you to help navigate choices? You need this data because it's data. And then you can decide⁠—if you want to be with that and be with him, then you can decide to be with it with a clear conscience.

                        But right now, what you're doing is you're trying to avoid and evade information because you don't want to have to deal with it, to which I say to my dear darling Saturn in Pisces, that is not the adulting you're capable of. You know what I mean? Confronting the material reality empowers you to make good choices for you, even if they're hard choices. And I don't think you have any easy choices in front of you with this man, other than saying no to having an OnlyFans with him. That's a fucking easy⁠—should be an easy choice. But everything else looks a little hard. Will he be disappointed and bummed if you say no to this?

Pip:                  Maybe. Maybe. I mean, I think he was a little surprised that I even said I'd think about it. I told him, "Yeah, it's your thing. If you come up with a plan, possibly, I'll be into it." And he described it to me as an artistic endeavor. He's very much that way.

Jessica:            Okay. That bums me out a lot, to be honest, because it's dishonest. And you know it's dishonest.

Pip:                  You think so?

Jessica:            Girl...

Pip:                  You know, knowing him as long as I know him, that's how he describes most things in his world. He's a very artistic, flouncy person.

Jessica:            Porn can be artistic, but he's not talking about selling art. He's talking about selling porn, no?

Pip:                  I took it as art.

Jessica:            You took it as art.

Pip:                  I did.

Jessica:            But you wrote your question with the word "porn."

Pip:                  I did. I did.

Jessica:            You described it as porn because it's porn.

Pip:                  It is.

Jessica:            Yeah.

Pip:                  Yeah.

Jessica:            Listen. I think you and I are in agreement that there's nothing negative or wrong about porn. I mean, as long as it's consensual adults, do your thing, and get money for doing your thing. All work is work. That's not the issue. The issue is you're now telling me it's not porn; it's art. And you believe that he believes that it's art, not porn. So there is a way that you are not being consistent in your thinking on this because you're not being honest with yourself.

Pip:                  Right, [crosstalk 01:01:49].

Jessica:            Yeah. It's because you're not being honest with yourself. If what he wanted to do was make art with you, the two of you would just be doing it right now. He doesn't want that. He wants money. He wants to⁠—as you said in the description of your question, he wants to never worry about money again. "I figured it out. I cracked the code. Porn." That is what he's suggested.

                        And in your question, you described you'd never have to worry about money again. That's a great idea, maybe. So, again, there's something that happens in your thinking when you're wanting to protect him and protect the bubble of your relationship where you're not honest with yourself.

Pip:                  Yeah.

Jessica:            In this moment, what I am suggesting is getting out of the dynamic where he's your whole world because then, you can have more conversations like this one where you are being held to account for what you said. You described it as porn. You described its primary motivation as solving financial problems. And then, when things got a little touchy about the relationship, you're like, "No, no, no. It's art. He thinks it's art. I think it's art. It's art."

                        This is going to make you feel bananas that you're telling yourself completely different stories, and depending on the hour, you believe completely different stories. You're going to feel exhausted and bananas about this, right? It's going to make you feel bad, and then it's going to make you feel frayed at the edges when you're thinking about the relationship because you don't know which version of the truth you want to focus on. If it was just about making art⁠—

Pip:                  I feel that way constantly.

Jessica:            Yeah. Of course. Yeah. I get that. I'm getting that.

Pip:                  Sorry.

Jessica:            No, it's okay. It's okay. It's because you're trying to protect the sanctity of this thing the two of you built together instead of trying to figure out the truth. So, when you wrote me your little question, you were really focused on getting at the truth, which most everybody is when they write a question to me because of my fucking hard-ass personality, right?

But the mood changes, and now we're talking about the reality of you living separate and what isn't working in a very real way. And now you're feeling much more protective of the bubble, the love you share with this person for the last almost decade. And that's where you go into, "Okay. No, it's art." Right? So now you go into the bubble story. And the bubble story is not true. There's an element of truth to it, but all good lies have an element of truth.

And I don't think he's lying to manipulate you; he's some sort of mastermind who's trying to trick you into doing porn and calling it art. I think he's just not great at adulting and thinking forward to consequences and realities. The reality in a sexually healthy and robust relationship of having to do specific sex acts over and over and over again for money⁠—you have to get turned on by that specifically for it to not fuck up your relationship. And you do not get turned on by that; true story?

Pip:      True story.

Jessica:            Yeah. Neither does he, actually. I don't think he would have an easy time with this dynamic. The two of you have not thought this through. And I think that that's something you struggle with sometimes, is not thinking things through. But he always struggles with it, and the two of you together kind of⁠—you can get into that bubble, and it's tender when it doesn't fuck shit up.

                        And so, again, these are all things for the two of you to be talking about. And I know that a lot of what I've said has been critical of him and of the relationship, but I can't help but wonder if this would be helpful for the two of you to listen to together and to⁠—

Pip:                  Well, he's going to listen to it.

Jessica:            He is? Okay. Good.

Pip:                  He is.

Jessica:            I actually wonder if the two of you shouldn't listen to it, and then when one of you gets triggered, pause. Sit. Talk with it. Agree with me. Disagree with me. Whatever. Use this as a jumping board for conversation. If you're still in couples counseling, you can go ahead and bring it to your couples counselor if that feels constructive. I mean, asking them to listen to an hour-long reading is going to cost you money. But these are all things for you to consider because that you love each other and that you like each other is not the question.

                        It's⁠—are the problems that exist between the two of you helping you both to be more healthy, abundant, efficient, responsible adults? Is this helping you to be more you, the problems that exist between the two of you? And I think the answer is no to a lot of the problems. And that's what needs addressing. And again, I do think living separately would address it. It would clarify things. It would leave room for you both to change and to grow, not because of the other person, but because of yourselves so that you could grow back together⁠—or not.

                        But either way, living separately would only fast-forward what's already going to happen between the two of you. Whatever information you would get from developing separately from each other for a while, you'll get it eventually. It might take next several years, but you'll get that same data. This is just doing it in, honestly, a healthier way.

Pip:                  Ugh.

Jessica:            Yeah. I'm sorry. I know this is very intense and heavy.

Pip:                  It is.

Jessica:            Yeah. I'm sorry, because I know that this is the confronting. And I guess the final thing I'll say is that your Saturn Return, which is just ending now, is the highest planet in your chart. It has everything to do⁠—and Saturn is now crossing your Midheaven. This is the time for you to be considering what you're building your life to be, which is about you. And it's not separate from other people, but it is about you.

                        And so I know that you don't want to be selfish, and you're constantly kind of checking that and checking that and rechecking that. But I want to say that it is really important that you identify your needs and give yourself permission to try to meet them. I'm sorry. Again, I know that this is a hard one.

Pip:                  I had a feeling that it could go in this way.

Jessica:            Yeah.

Pip:                  And like you said, there are so many layers.

Jessica:            So I'm going to give you last bit of advice. If you can go touch grass, that would be great. Is he in the house?

Pip:                  No.

Jessica:            Great. If you could go touch grass⁠—take a walk. Even if it's a median in a freeway, do what you can to get your buns as quickly as possible into a little touch of nature. Get in your body because what I see happening is like an old pattern for you. You've got a lot of sad, and so your nervous system is both going off and also in a state of collapse. There's kind of two things happening at the same time, and it can make you feel really⁠—a lot of things.

                        So what I want to say is you don't have to make any decisions based on anything I said. You could agree with everything I say and not take any of the advice. It's okay. It's your life. You don't have to do anything. If you make choices, they're because you're trying to be as healthy and good as you can. And you don't have to make decisions in this moment. You really, really, really, really, really, really don't need to make decisions in this moment.

                        So try to be in your body. Stay with your feelings. Stay with your body. You're in this state where the rumination is going to keep on returning to you. "It's too hard. I can't. It's going to take too much to make any changes. It's too much. I can't." You keep on going into this "I feel cornered" situation.

Pip:                  Yes.

Jessica:            Yeah. So what I want to say is that's because you're trying to make a decision and come to an answer before you've allowed yourself to sit in the feelings and sit with the problem. And that's the move, is to allow yourself to sit with the feelings and don't think about what to do with this information or making a decision or how you can or how you can't or what you should and what you shouldn't. You're not ready for that. You're in the feelings. Be in the feelings. Be in the feelings. Okay?

Pip:                  That's hard.

Jessica:            Yeah. That's why I had to stop us and be like, "This is what you gotta do." It's exceptionally hard. It's exceptionally hard. But if you're going to bother to task yourself with trying to figure out the real truth here for you, you might as well do it the hard way because, honestly, there's no easy way. There's no way that you can do this that's going to feel good, so you might as well do it in the healthiest possible way, even though it's emotionally the most challenging way.

                        Just let yourself digest and be sad. Everything else, this, like, "Oh, I feel stuck. I feel blocked, what I can and what I can't do"⁠—it's because you don't want to sit in sad. Let yourself just be sad. I know it's hard, but it's the most honest emotion that you can feel right now. And whatever you decide to do after that is like let yourself decide later. You're allowed to have feelings now, okay? I know. I'm sorry. You really do not like this game at all. You're just like, "I figured something out, and I have to do something about it."

Pip:                  It's a practice.

Jessica:            It's a practice. It's a practice. And that part of you that keeps on saying, "I have to do something about it"⁠—try to sit with that part of you. Be like, "Okay. What is that part? What's that part?" Because it's a big part. What is that part? Just try to practice being like, "Okay. That part is making me feel afloat. That part is making me feel like I'm going to be okay. But also, it's keeping me away from my vulnerability."

Okay. Just notice the part. Be curious about the part. Breathe into the part. Be with the part. It's not going to feel good, but it is going to help you to not get your ears pierced because you have a bad headache. You know what I mean? Like create a secondary problem because the first problem is real hard to deal with. Does that make sense?

Pip:                  I've done that before.

Jessica:            Oh, I know. I see your chart. I see your chart. That's why I'm like, "Let's get this grounded."

Pip:                  Wow. Well, thank you, Jessica.

Jessica:            It's my pleasure.

Pip:                  Thank you so much.