Welcome to Ghost of a Podcast. I'm your host, Jessica Lanyadoo. I'm an astrologer, psychic medium, and animal communicator, and I'm going to give you your weekly horoscope and no-bullshit mystical advice for living your very best life.

Hey there, Ghosties. In this episode, I'll be doing a live reading with one of my beloved listeners. Every Wednesday, listen in on an intimate conversation and get inspired as we explore perspectives on life, love, and the human condition. Along the way, we'll uncover valuable insights and practical lessons that you can apply to your own life. And don't forget to hit Subscribe or, at the very least, mark your calendars because every Sunday I'll be back with your weekly horoscope. And that you don't want to miss. Let's get started.

Jessica: Ari, welcome to the podcast.

Ari: Oh, thank you.

Jessica: I'm so happy to have you here. Tell me what you would like your reading about.

Ari: I'm just going to read the question that I wrote to you the other day. "I recently learned that I have a mutable Grand Cross in my birth chart, and I'm wondering if this or some other aspect, maybe involving my Mercury, may provide me with insight into my career struggles. I'm considered a leading clinician in long COVID in my state, but I've struggled for more than six years with the integral duty of charting. On one hand, I'm considered successful, and on the other hand, I've faced reprimand at three different jobs due to my inability to chart in a timely manner. And I contemplate if I can survive in my current chosen career."

Jessica: Okay. There's lots of parts to your question. I mean, one part is it sounds like you suck at charting, which⁠—charting, for people who don't know, is just the paperwork associated with patient work.

Ari: Yep. That's correct.

Jessica: They don't give you assistants for that?

Ari: I make it harder than it's supposed to be. Yeah. I'm good at the patient-facing stuff but not the putting it black and white on paper.

Jessica: And so the only person who can put it black and white on paper is you because you would have to communicate it to someone if they were going to do it for you.

Ari: Correct. Yeah. I don't use a transcriptionist, I think maybe is what you're asking.

Jessica: Mm-hmm. There's so many things I want to ask you about your job, but I'm going to do that in a minute. First, I want to ask, do you have a difficult time with typey-typing, with the making time for it? What's the⁠—I mean, I have theories; I'm looking at your birth chart, which⁠—by the way, you were born August 30th, 1992?

Ari: Yep.

Jessica: 6:56 a.m. And we're not saying the name of your city or the state you're from. We're just saying you're from the East Coast. 

Ari: Yep. So that's a great question, and that's partly why I wrote in to you. So I think I have some form of learning hurdles. I was diagnosed with adult ADHD in the middle of college, and I have a really strong memory in some ways. I think I'm a very visual person, but that's the extent of it. So, when I go back and look at my notes I've written, I have trouble synthesizing it. And I also try to make it sound nice, and modern-day healthcare is not set up for that. You just have to do what you gotta do. And unfortunately, part of me is unable to just do what I have to do. I want to do things to the best of my ability, and it hinders me, actually.

Jessica: Yeah. Okay. Before we unpack, I just want to check in because you work in long COVID. You know I feel passionately about COVID and all of that. But I'm curious if you could just share⁠—are you busy? Do a lot of people have long COVID? What exactly is that job, if you don't mind sharing a little bit about that before we dive?

Ari: Sure. Yeah. No, I'm happy to, and good question. So I see patients five days a week at my clinic, and for the past two years, I've seen at least 15 new patients a week. Thankfully, in the past year or so, there's been many less hospitalizations, so thankfully we know the vaccines are doing something, which is great to see. We're no longer having⁠—most people not coming in with lung scarring and having been in the hospital for months. But we are having people that had mild COVID, even if they were vaccinated⁠—unfortunately, some people are not vaccinated⁠—with debilities after this.

And it's interesting. Part of my first visits with patients is usually just giving them insight into that they're not alone and that this is what we're seeing in the population and just giving people a lot of insight and perspective, which thankfully makes a huge difference for these people.

Jessica: When you see people for long COVID, are they people who are just unable to function anymore, unable to work anymore? Is that still happening even for mild cases?

Ari: Yeah, surprisingly. And even as a long-COVID clinician, I'm actually kind of torn by the term "long COVID" because it means something different for everybody. So, when somebody says they have long COVID, I say, "Okay. What are you experiencing?" And I've seen symptoms of any and every body system after COVID⁠—you know, GI, skin, lungs, heart, nervous system. And you can have debility with any of these systems. And so I don't think modern American healthcare was set up for this. I think it was a perfect storm, unfortunately. And yeah.

Jessica: That's really intense. And it kind of sounds a lot like it can be an autoimmune disorder. Am I hearing that right?

Ari: We do want to look for new autoimmune conditions that have been triggered by COVID. Essentially, we want to look for any new identifiable diagnosis due to having had COVID, and people that are predisposed to autoimmune conditions, COVID may function as uncovering that. And so, yeah, I will say research is actively looking at about six different hypotheses⁠—is this inflammatory, immunologic, hormonal, etc.? And right now, we don't have those answers, and we're a ways away.

So, really, the key to how my clinic functions is that everything we do is symptom-driven. So the fact that you had COVID⁠—that plays a factor, but I'm going to look at your symptoms. I'm not going to just dismiss you and say, "Oh, you had COVID. It's going to take a while to get better." No. We're going to look and analyze and try to figure out what's in our control that we can address since you've had COVID and now these persistent symptoms.

Jessica: Well, I gotta say you're doing such important work. And like you said, the American healthcare system is just not set up to deal with this kind of nuanced health crisis for so many people. And as I look at your birth chart, you've got Saturn in the sixth house. You're good for toil. And it's in Aquarius, so you're good for toil in a way where you're like, "I have to innovate something by doing the same thing over and over again." This is good work for you to be doing.

Ari: Okay.

Jessica: Yeah. So let me start with that. And you're a double Virgo. I think that is worth saying. Sun and Rising, both Virgo. So medicine⁠—check. And I'm assuming⁠—do you want to stay in this field? Do you want to continue to work with long COVID?

Ari: I want to work in medicine, and I'm enjoying what I'm doing right now for the foreseeable future. But I do want to transition into pulmonary medicine, which has—this has kind of grown out of pulmonary but is also evolved from pulmonary. So I would ideally like to stay in medicine. I know this is a little bit off topic, but part of me also wonders if I'm even supposed to stay in medicine with the hurdles that I face. And I'm only 30, and I hate to be saying that, but yeah.

Jessica: And you say the hurdles you face. You mean this topic we're about to dive into; is that correct?

Ari: Yeah. Yeah.

Jessica: Let's dive, okay? We're going to dive. So you have Mercury and Chiron in the twelfth house. They're not sitting on top of each other. And you have Mercury square to Pluto. What this means is a bunch of things. The first is the way that your analyzer⁠—Mercury⁠, your brain⁠—works is, like you said, visual. You're really good at sitting with somebody and being filled up with both data but also sense impressions, which is why patient-facing work just⁠—it's a skill that you have that maybe you didn't even think you had. It's something you're very good at, and especially for sussing out something like long COVID, which is novel. We still don't know much about it.

And so you're kind of⁠—I mean, you're in a magic spot. High burnout, I'm sure, but it's very good for your brain. That said, Mercury in the twelfth house can be a little scattered. It is not a system-driven Mercury placement. Does that make sense, what I'm saying?

Ari: Mm-hmm.

Jessica: So, for you, if a system makes sense, you're like, "Yeah." It clicks for you. But if the system is unnecessary or you don't think it's right in some ways⁠—because you do have Mercury in a fixed sign⁠—you're just like, "Eh," and there's a part of your brain that's like, "I don't do that." And then you kind of just don't.

Ari: Yeah. Yep.

Jessica: On top of that, you have Pluto also in a fixed sign in Scorpio squaring your Mercury. You are driven to research, to get to the bottom of things. You are driven to understand things. But you are not driven to bullshit. You have a really hard time with things that you think are unnecessary or superfluous to the point. This is not just about, oh, therefore, you're not doing paperwork. Not at all. It's about you have so many hours in a day. You have so much energy in a day. And there's the things that are immediately in front of you and important, and that's where your energy goes. And it's hard for you in the moment to not think, "This is, of course, what I should be focusing on instead of spending two hours filling out paperwork."

Ari: Yeah. It's all very related⁠—all what you're saying. Yep.

Jessica: Yeah. Have you tried using talk-to-type technology to do this kind of work?

Ari: Yeah, I have. And part of the thing is I'm just so far behind on charting that as I try to integrate new things, the day-to-day never lets up, and so yeah. It's like I'm just in this hole. I'm completely open to things that'll make it work, and I've felt okay with it, but it is also a little bit of a learning curve just to get comfortable with that.

Jessica: I see. I see. Okay. But let me ask you this. When you've used it, has it made this kind of writing easier for you? Has it kind of gone a little bit quicker, or has it been easier on your brain?

Ari: Yeah. I think it's⁠—I'm telling a story in my brain as opposed to me trying to synthesize this complex interaction I just had and trying to put it in black-and-white words, and I have a lot of trouble with that.

Jessica: Yeah. Straight out the gate, I will say that Pluto square to Mercury⁠—talking is really easy for you when you think it's worth talking. You're a chatty Cathy, no?

Ari: Oh yeah.

Jessica: Yeah. For me, I feel like in terms of thinking not about how to catch up, but instead of thinking, okay. One day, you will be caught up or you will start at square one again, like a new job. And in that case, I would recommend starting with talk-to-type technology instead of using your fingers to type away. I do think it's quicker work for you in the long term.

Ari: Yeah. No, and I understand that. But I don't know how to explain it, but I almost have a phobia, also, to talk-to-type. I don't use it on my phone, and I have no idea why I don't use it. I use audio messages, but there's this inherent part to me⁠—I don't trust⁠—or I'm just not⁠—I'm very resistant to it.

Jessica: To talk-to-type. Interesting.

Ari: Yeah.

Jessica: So let me look at that. Will you say your full name out loud for me?

Ari: Yeah. [redacted]

Jessica: Honestly, it looks like you've made a decision at some point that you're supposed to write and that people write, and you should write. It looks like there is this part of you that's like, "No. I have to get it. I have to get it the right way, and I'm not going to use this thing that works for me because I shouldn't need this accommodation." There's some sort of a weird "should." This is like some deep fixed-sign shit.

Ari: Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Jessica: I'm going to give you homework. Start today, and use the talk-to-type feature in the notes on your phone or when writing texts to friends.

Ari: Yeah. And you know what? I think it's tied to me being a Virgo, but if I'm going to do something, I need to know how to do it inside out. And I'm intimidated to learn talk-to-text.

Jessica: Yeah. That's fair. And also, it is not what it once was. It used to be you had to get a whole program, and I get that with your job you have to get a program. But it's really just like everyday technology at this point. It is, of course, your Virgo perfectionism, sure. But I think it's self-sabotage, as well, because what would happen⁠—let's just play it out. Let's say you start using talk-to-type, and you're not great at it at first. But you keep on texting your friends and then editing your text because you can do that; it's 2023, right? And then you get better at it, and then you just use it and your life is easier. It's weird because I say that, and even as I say it, there's something in your energy that hitches. Did you feel that inside of yourself?

Ari: Yeah. Yeah. I feel all messed up with communication in general. A lot of times, I don't like texting. I don't know what it is. If I'm in the moment, I'll respond to texts, but otherwise, everything is just very energy-consuming for me when it comes to communication. And so I think I feel resistant all the way around.

Jessica: Okay. So this is not just about talk-to-type. It's about needing to communicate as opposed to choosing in a moment to communicate.

Ari: Yeah. I think that's what it is.

Jessica: Pluto square to Mercury in the birth chart can indicate that you are withholding of information and communication as a way to keep yourself safe. And this placement, when it indicates that⁠—because not everybody who has this square experiences that⁠—generally experienced in childhood an early developmental experience where one parent or guardian was either verbally assaultive or had their own really intense issues around communication and language. Do either of those things resonate with you?

Ari: Yeah. And I think I could see it in different ways in each of my parents.

Jessica: Are one of them ESL?

Ari: No. Oh, I don't know if you're picking up my mom is in spirit.

Jessica: She's passed?

Ari: Yeah.

Jessica: Okay. I'm sorry.

Ari: And I know that when I've had other people communicate with her, she uses her hands a lot.

Jessica: Okay. Okay. No, that's not what I'm picking up on right now. I'm really focused on you. But we can come back to that, potentially. But it's more⁠—there's something about this square where one of the ways it can show up is that a parent really just doesn't feel like they can communicate. And sometimes that's because they speak a different language than what's being spoken in the community you're being raised in, but if that's not the case, is it that one of your parents was assaultive verbally?

Ari: Mm-hmm.

Jessica: And was that directed at you or at your other parent?

Ari: All of us, yeah, in different ways.

Jessica: Yeah. And was your coping mechanism to just say nothing, not get in the way?

Ari: Mm-hmm.

Jessica: Yeah. That, from my perspective astrologically⁠—if you want to know the seed that has grown this plant, that's the seed. It's a coping mechanism that kept you safe. Was that your father, the verbally assaultive person?

Ari: No. It was my mom.

Jessica: It was your mom. Okay. When you were growing up, the way that you handled not putting yourself in crosshairs was very effective is my guess. However, it kind of forced you inside of yourself in a way that has pros and cons to it. And when you say that you have kind of a phobic reaction to texting or using type-to-text and all of this kind of stuff, that's how you know that it's not really about paperwork or texting. It's about a survival mechanism gets triggered around the topic.

Ari: Yeah. That makes sense to me.

Jessica: So within this is really an important question, which is⁠—I mean, you've already said you want to be a doctor. You want to continue to do this doctrine that you're doing. Is there a part of you that doesn't want the responsibility?

Ari: Absolutely.

Jessica: Okay.

Ari: There is a part of me that⁠—yeah. I'm open to anything, any way that I can help others. And I just want to find a way that makes it make sense to me.

Jessica: I will say you've got Saturn in the sixth house. You're a double Virgo. You want it to make sense. You want it to make sense. You believe on some meaningful level that there is a correct answer, and when you find it, everything will fall in place and be correct.

Ari: Mm-hmm.

Jessica: Oh, whatever. That's not true. Not only is that not true, but you've got this Mercury/Pluto square, so there's going to be a part of you that's constantly scanning for danger. "What's wrong? How do I protect myself?" And the way that you know how to protect yourself, like we've established⁠—it's to pull back. Let me add something else. You have a Moon square to Uranus and Neptune in your birth chart, which means you get overwhelmed. You get overwhelmed, and when you do get overwhelmed, you have an anxiety response to the glass getting too full, basically, if you will, of emotions. There's an anxiety response that happens.

So, when you experience emotional anxiety because three friends texted you⁠—three friends you genuinely like, that you want to talk to, that you asked them to reach out to you and they all text you⁠—so there's an anxiety response because⁠—overwhelm. "Now I have to respond." Right? Because of the way humans work and how trauma works in the system, you experience overwhelm for three people you genuinely like reaching out to you, and then it kicks into motion this thing that we've talked about where you're like, "Is this danger? Is this danger? Okay. Hide. Is this danger? Don't say anything."

It's this coping mechanism that worked for you in childhood when you were overwhelmed by your mom's energy and what she said, but it actually makes everything worse for you now. It doesn't actually keep you safe. I mean, I'm guessing there are situations here and there that it does keep you safe in, but not in the ways we're talking about it now.

Ari: Yeah. I don't think I need that coping skill anymore. And just as an aside, I will add in I think⁠ out of my dad, mom, and sister, I was the only one that didn't communicate in what I would call explosive⁠—like everything always escalated. And I'm the youngest, four years younger. And my mom and dad were comfortable with yelling at each other. I think I actually had a very happy childhood, and my mom was just very intense in the way that she communicated. And then my sister was also very comfortable with going at it at them, whereas I liked to go sit in another room by myself and try not to get involved.

Jessica: Yeah. In your chart, it's really clear that you were wanted, that you were loved by your family, and that yeah, in many ways, you did have a great childhood, and also that communication did not feel safe to you, and that what you needed for kind of a healthy, well-adjusted learning environment, for communication to feel safe, was not what you got. It was just not what you got. And⁠—lucky you⁠—you're a fucking double Virgo, so communication is everything to you. That was sarcasm, obviously, the lucky part.

But all this to say that this is a very fucking big deal. And I'm going to add more complexity to it. You contacted me at the perfect time because you're about to go through a bunch of transits to Mercury. So you can't just slink away from this dynamic. You can't hide in your room on this topic. You can leave your field, and it's still going to follow you. This is a time where it's getting activated. This summer, Uranus is going to start to square your Mercury. And Uranus is currently opposing your Pluto. So this issue has been triggered for just less than a year already.

And I will say that the topic that we're talking about of your work, which⁠—again, thank you for doing it; very important. The topic that we're talking about of your work is⁠—yes, it's about your work, but it's really not about your work. It's about you because we've uncovered that, yes, you have a hard time with charts, but you also have a hard time texting friends back. It's not just about one thing. It's just, when the stakes are higher, your activation gets more intense, and therefore, your self-protection/self-sabotage emerges.

Ari: Yeah. That makes a lot of sense. Yeah, because I always was like, "I just need to figure out how I can type better or whatever." And part of me also knew that I didn't have the answer. That's why I wrote to you, because I'm like, "I just don't even know where to start unpacking this at," essentially. And knowing that it has the reflection from childhood does make sense to me.

Jessica: Yeah. And so let's go back to work because I want to help you keep your job. Let's say you were going to do all of your paperwork and just come to zero so that you're like, "Tomorrow, there's a fresh new day," and you'll do whatever paperwork is needed that day. How many hours or days or weeks do you think it would take you to do that work?

Ari: Currently, I have a plan in place to be caught up by July 1st, counting seeing patients still daily and signing those notes and then working on my backlog.

Jessica: Okay. And then what are the hours you've set to work on your backlog?

Ari: Probably like an hour and a half per day.

Jessica: Where? When? Where in the day?

Ari: I have to find the time in the evening after work.

Jessica: Okay. This is a terrible plan. This is a terrible⁠—I mean, it's the best plan you got. No disrespect. But it's a fucking awful plan.

Ari: Oh yeah. I know.

Jessica: Yeah. Okay. Cool. Does your job offer any support around this, or no?

Ari: Yeah. My job is very supportive, which is unlike⁠—I've had previous jobs that were not supportive in any means, and this is the first job where I do feel really supported.

Jessica: Okay. So you feel supported. But what I'm asking is, do they actually offer material support and assistance?

Ari: I have to ask for what I think I need, and they'll make it available. So part of the thing is figuring out what I need.

Jessica: One thing I'm going to recommend⁠—and again, I don't think there's anything that anyone's going to recommend or that you're going to figure out that you're not going to have resistance around. So let's start with that, okay? And the way to motivate yourself is to say, "I'm going to try this, and if it doesn't work for me, I can stop. I am in control," instead of, "I have to make this work." So one thing I would ask for is for them to give you training with talk-to-type technology, to have somebody come and show you how to do it or to pay for you to⁠—whatever it takes, right?

Ari: Yeah. We have webinars that I⁠—I just need to ask to have some time to do that. So yeah.

Jessica: I think that's step one because your ability to speak is⁠—it is quicker for you. You get way more in your head when you're writing, when you're using a pen, when you're typing. And if you can set whatever writing situation that you have to bullet points⁠—so every time you start a new line, if you say, "New line," it goes to another bullet point⁠—that will help you to be less perfectionistic in your writing style than you are naturally. Mercury in fucking Leo⁠—you're creative. You're like, "Let me write a sentence."

Ari: Oh, I'm a good writer. Yeah.

Jessica: Sure. You're like, "Let me write a sentence."

Ari: That's not what American healthcare wants. They don't want a novel.

Jessica: No.

Ari: They⁠—yeah.

Jessica: No. It's bullet points. And the truth is you have Saturn in the sixth house. You can do bullet points. You just need to decide that that's what's in your best interest. You need to decide that that's best for you. And right now, you're like, "That's not best for me. I would rather write a nice sentence." But the truth is you have too much work for sentences. You just do. And I think that if you had an easy setup where you're just speaking⁠—you know, "Patient showed up with a pink hat. New line. That hat was giving them a rash. New line. I don't know why they didn't take the hat off. New line."

If you do something like that, it will be so much easier than what your instinct would be, which is, "Patient showed up. They were perfectly reasonable. They were wearing a pink hat. We looked at their rash. We thought"⁠—you know. You will get more efficient communication in the mix if you bullet point. Now, I know I'm a Capricorn advocating for bullet points, which is just like a Capricorn being a Capricorn. So I apologize for showing myself to you in this way. But I will say that the way that your chart works, you need to believe there's an actual reason to do a thing; otherwise, you're not going to do the thing. And so I am trying to convince you to like bullet points because I think they're in your best interest. Yeah.

Ari: I'm open to that. And I can just tell you already my emotional response is I'm afraid of being judged for my documentation. But that's better than what I'm currently doing.

Jessica: And I think the thing about your documentation is that no one's ever going to judge you unless you make a mistake. Right? This is the thing about being judged for your documentation. When I look at⁠—because I'm looking energetically at your workspace. No one says anything about anything unless there's an error that they don't understand. Everyone's too busy. So no one's judging you, but they may come to you and to be like, "What the hell did this mean?" And then you'll have to be like, "I don't remember. What does that mean? I don't know." But that's just because nobody's thinking about anything other than doing their best in a kind of impossible situation.

Ari: Gotcha. Yeah. And I think it's like I have my danger senses on when I think about all the repercussions and stuff. But that makes sense, in my experience, that literally nobody is going to bother me as long as I do whatever I need to do.

Jessica: Yeah. And the truth is you do care enough to make sure that in your documentation, you are getting the important points.

Ari: Yeah.

Jessica: The truth of the matter is, if you had a habit⁠—and I don't think you have time. I mean, you're in an impossible situation because if you had fucking five minutes between each person, you could use your talk-to-type, bada-bing out a couple bullet points, and then it would be like the template that would trigger your thoughts for later in the day. But it just doesn't look like you have those five minutes.

Ari: I'm terrible with time management because when I'm with a person, I'm fully with the person and can't cut them off.

Jessica: Do you take notes while you're with them?

Ari: Yeah. I go back and read them, and it's just overwhelming for my brain to synthesize everything.

Jessica: Yeah. And they don't offer⁠—you can't have an assistant to you to help to synthesize those notes?

Ari: Not that I know of, but I could ask.

Jessica: I would ask. And it's interesting that you never thought to ask that. Smarty-pants doctor, right? But you never thought to ask, "Could somebody help synthesize my very detailed notes?" So that's a thing. And I don't know what your industry is like enough to know the answer to this, but if you wanted to pay out of pocket for an assistant to synthesize your notes and fill out your forms, are you legally allowed to do that? Is a medical professional allowed to do that?

Ari: I think it's worth asking because there are a lot of tools available. Yeah.

Jessica: Yeah. I think it's worth asking because there's the work thing, right? Like, "Oh shit. I've got this crazy job, and it's important, and I don't want to fuck it up. And also, I hate writing notes and all the things." Right? But then there's the real problem, which is when you get overwhelmed, you become overwhelmed by the enormity of things. And so something that I really see happening for you is⁠—have you ever gone to a museum or an art gallery and seen a piece of art where you're just like, "Fuck yes. This piece is something that speaks to me"? Have you had that experience?

Ari: Mm-hmm.

Jessica: Okay. If you then walk up to that piece of art and stand with your nose as close to it as you can, it can be emotional. It can be evocative. But then you really just can't see what's happening in the piece anymore. You lose all perspective. All you know is your relationship to it. That's all you have anymore. And what I see happens for you in these kinds of situations is that.

You become so overwhelmed by your relationship to the information that you need to get out and the information that's in your head and all the things that are important and all the things that can go right or wrong, depending on how you do it, that you really do need to just take five steps back so you can see the whole tapestry, the whole painting. And then you're very resourceful, it turns out. You know you're resourceful, even though we're talking about the way you're not, right?

Ari: Yeah. And I completely agree with that. I get really emotionally tied to my communication at work. And the longer that it festers, the worse that it gets, whereas I could just crank it out. And yeah, I know I have a brain that can really synthesize complex things, but I just get in such a hole with things for a multitude of reasons. So, no, I think that metaphor makes total sense.

Jessica: Yeah.

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Jessica: This pattern of being avoidant⁠—again, very Pluto/Mercury square, so good on you. You're being your chart. But the thing about avoidance is what avoidance does⁠ in all circumstances⁠—I mean, it's a bold statement, but I'll throw it out there⁠—it is an anxiety response. Avoidance is an anxiety response that generates more anxiety. So now we're back into your fucking trauma cup. I don't know why, in my mind, trauma is like a glass that's filled to the very brim for you. That's how I see anxiety. It's just like you're scared of it dripping out the side of a glass. You're scared of making a mess and drawing attention is the visual I keep on getting.

Ari: Oh. Yeah. Mm-hmm.

Jessica: Your coping mechanism provokes the exact emotional and mental response in you that you don't want to have and you're trying to overcome. Good job. The good news is you're very smart. You're smart enough to constantly be trying to outsmart your own thoughts and feelings. The bad news is that you're not going to be able to reason your way out of this, because the ultimate and true problem here is in the animal brain and emotional.

Ari: Mm-hmm.

Jessica: Yeah.

Ari: Lizard brain, fight or flight.

Jessica: Lizard brain. Yeah. Yeah. Exactly. It's rooted in that damn brain stem of yours. And so I would also encourage you⁠—I don't know how woo⁠—do you get woo?

Ari: I actually wanted to ask you⁠—I'm so analytical. I need help doing my reflections and stuff. So I'm open to whatever you have to say.

Jessica: Yes. So I am not a tapping nerd. Do you know about tapping?

Ari: Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

Jessica: Okay. That's not my specialty or anything. I don't know much about it. But I keep on being shown that that would be really good for you, the reiteration of ideas and literally poking yourself in the face or whatever. I would encourage you to go to ye olde YouTube. Find a succinct way of wording your particular issue, and see if there's a preexisting tapping exercise around that. That's a weird piece of advice that I've never given to anyone before, but that's what I'm really seeing. So I'm going to just throw that at you, and if it doesn't resonate, don't fucking do it. If you don't find someone good, don't do it, obviously.

If you're in the market for a mantra⁠—

Ari: Yeah.

Jessica: ⁠—I would give you one to the effect of, "If I make a mistake, I'll just correct it."

Ari: I like it.

Jessica: You got a lot of things in your chart that speak to perfectionism. And perfectionism is the enemy of creativity and peace and effectiveness. It really is. And your work is so important, and the client-facing part of your work is so important. But if you don't write it down, if there aren't those notes, then it becomes a lot harder to use your work and have it help other people that don't live in your town and don't have access to you or aren't sick in this moment.

There's this larger part of the service that you're providing that⁠—it's like you won't get to personally, necessarily, be the beneficiary of writing all those stupid fucking notes, but ultimately, you're one of⁠—and I'm assuming there are not that many long-COVID doctors in the U.S., as far as I understand. Is that correct?

Ari: There's a few clinics in each state. So I was thinking about that today. So probably not more than 100, 150 tops.

Jessica: And I think about that in the context of how, because people aren't masking anymore and people are just getting sick over and over and over again, we may have a mammoth population of people who have⁠—I'll call it long COVID because that's the term we got. And so the work that you're doing is not just so important for the people who are sick right now, but it's really important for us to be able to start to understand what the fuck COVID does to people's bodies over the course of time, eh?

Ari: Yeah. I will say, just off of that point, that I am in an academic institution that⁠—if I could get my work done that I need to, the sky is the limit as far as research and spreading information. And that's what I want to do. I want to make a bigger difference. But I'm so caught up in this mundane activity, so…

Jessica: Yeah. So this is really good. I'm glad we're getting to this because you've got Jupiter/Mars square in your birth chart, and you've got Mars at the top of your chart. Yeah, you can make a big fucking difference. You can make a big fucking difference. And you're scared, and you're self-sabotaging. And I respect that. Part of why you're scared is because you're scared, and you're allowed to be fucking scared⁠—just Virgo. You know what I mean? There doesn't have to be a big, fancy reason. It doesn't have to be childhood trauma. You just get to be scared. And if you weren't bullying yourself so aggressively, you might just be a little nicer to yourself. And then it might be easier to get the shit done.

Ari: Oh yeah. Mm-hmm.

Jessica: Okay. Good. Good. We're making progress.

Ari: Yes. Yes.

Jessica: So okay. So I'm going to make you say your full name out loud again⁠—the name you go by, not all your names this time.

Ari: [redacted]

Jessica: Thank you. I don't think you're ready to do research get, even though it's available to you at the level that it's available to you. I actually think the patient-facing work is where you're at. And I think there's a part of you that's like, "Well, if I can, I should," because ultimately it is what you want, to do more research. Right? But I think you need more years in the field.

Ari: Oh yeah. I'm very early in my career. Yeah.

Jessica: Yeah. I see that. And I think that this is related to part of why you're unconsciously self-sabotaging. And I don't think you're specifically self-sabotaging at work. I think this is kind of a holistic issue, but it's really strong at work because it's catching up with you in a way that it won't in other parts of your life.

Ari: Just clarifying the self-sabotaging part about⁠—I want to eventually be doing research, and I feel like I should be doing it because it's available. I just need a little bit of clarification.

Jessica: Sure. What I'm saying is there is a part of you that is scared that if you do an exemplary job at all parts of your job that you'll get trapped in this work. There is another part of you that feels like if you don't do a better job at all the paperwork that you'll then not be able to be a researcher and you'll be screwing yourself forever. So, in both of these opposite stories you're telling yourself, you have created, "What I do in this moment has the weight of my whole life, and therefore, it has to be perfect." So we're back to your fucking perfectionism. Good on you, right?

And then who could sit down and write some fucking charts out in that state of mind? Nobody. That's too much. It's just too much. Again, you're so close to the painting, you can't see the painting anymore. And if you instead could kind of pull back and say to yourself, "I want to be good at this now, and I can quit or change"⁠—whatever. I don't know how you call it within your industry, but, "I can shift what I'm doing when I'm ready, how I'm ready." You can. I'm going to tell you you can.

Ari: Yeah. And I've never felt like I've⁠—I don't have that perspective. Everything's just day to day for me, so it's good to think about that. Yeah.

Jessica: Yeah. The thing about your chart with that beautiful Mars square to Jupiter⁠—that placement indicates that you're like, "If it doesn't happen immediately, it'll never happen. So why should I bother?" And also, that placement means that if you can remember that it is not a race, it is a marathon, that you're resilient and strong and very effective⁠—this shit is a marathon. You need to stop with the race.

Ari: I like that.

Jessica: Yeah. It is such a simple thing to say to you, but so much of your chart needs to hear it every damn day. So, if you were going to get a tattoo, I'd be like, "Tortoise and hare. Tortoise and hare." That would be your tattoo, okay?

Ari: I like that.

Jessica: If you are realistically going to come home after work and do your paperwork⁠—let's say that's actually going to happen, okay? Because doing it every day, that seems insane. I don't know how you're going to pull that off. Are you really going to be able to do that?

Ari: I said 10 out of 14 days. Every 14 days, I gotta do that.

Jessica: Okay. If you're going to do this at home⁠—do you have a home office?

Ari: Mm-hmm.

Jessica: Here's my advice. You're going to get a fucking candle. We're going woo, okay? You're going to get a candle, and it's one of those tall Sunday candles, like glass candle. You know what I mean?

Ari: Yeah.

Jessica: And then you're going to get a pen that doesn't work or a pencil or a nail⁠—whatever you like⁠—and you're going to carve in your intention. So, if it was me, I would put in the word "succinct"⁠—efficient, quick, whatever words feel right to you. I don't know what feels right to you, but you're going to write it in. Now, if you can, you write each word nine times. That's how I like to do it. And then, the first time you sit down to do this work, you're going to light the candle, and you're going to be really connected. You're going to fucking woo this shit up. If you want, you can even do this to two separate candles and put them on either side of you. And you only light the candles when you're doing this work.

Ari: Love it.

Jessica: If you have any kind of ADD, you may want to fuck with⁠—I don't know⁠—brown noise, green noise, pink noise. Have you heard of these noises?

Ari: Yeah.

Jessica: Do you like any of them? Do they work for you?

Ari: Brown noise. Yeah.

Jessica: Great. Okay. So brown noise, woo candles. I would also say specific shoes may really help you. You're a double Virgo. Virgos⁠—you're really into your shoes. So I would say, if there are specific shoes that you can be like, "These are my work shoes," and you just put them on when you're sitting at your desk⁠—

Ari: Yeah.

Jessica: Yeah. Virgo magic, see? So this is where you really want to be like, "Okay. I am putting all of these rituals in place to mark this time as sacred." And it's not just because there is something sacred about your work⁠—theoretically, hopefully, but not always. But about your work, there's something sacred⁠—but also because you're creating a safe space that you as an adult create for your fucking self when triggers come up, which they will, from childhood stuff where you didn't feel in control because you weren't in control, and you didn't feel safe because you weren't safe.

Those feelings of feeling out of control and unsafe⁠—they're going to keep coming up. Hopefully, you get into some nice therapies and you work them out with time. But if they come up and you identify them, you can say to your inner child/you can say to yourself, "Hey, self. I'm actually in control of this. I make choices. Look at all this fucking fancy shit I got. I got these shoes. I got my brown noise." You have all these things in place, and you can just say to yourself, "I'm making this choice because this choice is actually right for me right now. And when it stops being right for me, I'm going to just blow out the candle and leave the desk." So, again, you really want to focus on your self-control. I think that'll help you a lot.

Ari: Absolutely. I feel like this burden that I'm carrying is spilling over into all waking life, that I know it's something I have to do, but where do I carve out and do it? And the thing that you described that I envision⁠—I felt safe and I felt like nothing else could penetrate is⁠—with what you described. Yeah.

Jessica: Yes. Great. And obviously, it's not like a four-day-a-week situation. This is ritual. You gotta be really intentional about when you do it. But I think if you do that, and then you ask for the different kinds of assistance we've discussed⁠—maybe they'll give you zero percent, or maybe they'll give you some⁠—I think that you can really get this done by the summer. I really do. And that's just in time for your Uranus square to Mercury to happen.

So make sure that you do take that webinar for talk-to-type. And again, practice it with friends. Practice it in low-stake situations so that you know if your perfectionism comes up when you're texting somebody who's just your bud, then you can be like, "Oh, this is not about texting. This is about my shit." That's good information for you to have.

Ari: Yeah. If I make a mistake, I'll just fix it.

Jessica: Yeah. If you make a mistake, you'll just fix it.

Ari: The mantra.

Jessica: Yeah. Exactly. And if you make a mistake in any of your charts, somebody will catch it and you'll fix it. It is really like the most important work that you're doing⁠, you're not making mistakes. If you make a mistake with paperwork, it's fixable.

Ari: Yeah. And I feel like I need to be available to take care of long-COVID patients. This isn't going away, and not many people understand this population. I want to do this work and be able to take care of that part that comes along with it, but⁠—yeah.

Jessica: I want to share one more thing with you in case it's helpful, which is that I've been working with clients for more than 25 years, and I've had a lot of clients who are physicians⁠—not just MDs, but RNs, NPs, PAs, all kinds of doctors⁠. Lots of scientists, believe it or not, have been my clients, and a lot of artists. One thing all those populations have in common is not being naturally good at paperwork, not being naturally good at fundraising, not being naturally good at charting, because that's not actually the job. I mean, it's the job because of the system, but it's not really the job, is it?

Being a healer or a carer of bodies is the job. And then all this crossing of t's and dotting of i's⁠—ideally, there would be somebody else doing that that you are working alongside so that they could carry that full-time job, and you could carry your full-time job. So it's valuable to know that the way the system in this mishigas capitalistic nightmare we're living through⁠—that is creating this problem. It's not like all your colleagues are chill with this. Everybody's scrambling and struggling, I mean, truly. That's just what I have seen in my life is that you're definitely not alone.

Now, again, some of your coworkers might be better at⁠—whatever⁠—keeping up with it, but this is, I think, an industry-wide⁠—more than an industry-wide⁠—problem. And so, when your perfectionism gets really activated, you want to remember that you're actually in a kind of impossible situation, and all you can do is your best. You can't be perfect in an impossible situation. I mean, you can't be perfect anyways, but especially not in an impossible situation. That's just not a thing.

So I want to say, have I answered all your important questions? Is there anything kind of lingering and remaining that I haven't spoken to yet?

Ari: No. I think that's correct. I just wanted to⁠—my main goal was to find out, is there an Achilles heel to what I'm facing? And what I'm hearing is that it's the Mercury in the twelfth square to Pluto as far as maybe something I wasn't aware of that makes the most sense to me about this emotional response.

Jessica: It's the Pluto square to Mercury and the way that it activates the Moon square to Uranus and Neptune, or it's the Moon square to Uranus and Neptune in the way it activates the Pluto square to Mercury, because we don't want to ignore that you're having an emotional overwhelm/anxiety response⁠—that's the Moon square to Uranus and Neptune⁠—and that that⁠—we can't separate it. Even though those two squares aren't actually talking to each other, this is all you. The birth chart is all you. So it's kind of like thinking somebody having cardiovascular distress⁠—that may just affect other systems and create pulmonary distress.

It's the same kind of thinking here. So, when your mind gets activated in such a way that your flight-or-fight kicks in, now we're dealing with your feelings. So we go to your Moon instantly. So now we're in your Moon, and you're activated in your Moon. And so there's an anxiety response. And what did you do as a child with anxiety? You got still, you got self-contained, and you fucking handled it to keep yourself safe. And so you're going into that mode now, and that mode⁠—it doesn't work in any place in your life except for when you're being chased by bears, in which case it's excellent.

But in general, it's a big thing for you to learn that the truth is true whether you're proving it in this moment or not. And so, if you make a mistake, it doesn't mean you're all of a sudden a bad doctor or bad person. That's part of the perfectionism, is it's like a terror of, "What happens if I fuck up? What does it mean about me if I fuck up?" And the truth is the most successful people in any industry of life, in any part of life, are willing to fuck up.

Ari: Yeah. And I can't even fathom that. Yeah.

Jessica: Yeah. But that's the move. You say you can't fathom that, but I know that's not true because when I look at you energetically in the office with patients, you ask them questions. You come up with hypotheses. They say, "No. That's wrong," and you say, "Okay. What about this?" You have no problem making mistakes because you're not attached to being right; you're attached to helping. So you actually know how to not be a perfectionistic dick. It's just you have to turn that in on yourself, this willingness to be so curious and so driven to be healthy and helpful that if you get it wrong or if you point yourself in the wrong direction, you're like, "Okay. Cool. I'll pivot," because you do do that in your life, in this big part of your life.

So I had a knee injury once, like tendinitis in my knee. And I was seeing this Pilates instructor, and at the end of every Pilates session, she would lean in to my uninjured knee and she would whisper, "Teach your friend." She would just say, "Teach your friend," to my uninjured knee because she wanted my uninjured knee to remind my injured knee how to act. It's one of those things that I'll never forget because you have this part of you that is so good at pivoting and just being curious and showing up, and all you need to do is to be curious about what's happening there that isn't happening when you're thinking about texting a friend, right?

Ari: Yeah.

Jessica: And you can have that part of you teach the other part of you.

Ari: Yeah. Yeah. I can see that. I never thought about it that way.

Jessica: It's really interesting because when we tell ourselves, "It's impossible for me to develop this skill, and I don't have this skill," then we're really far from it. But when you see, oh, you already fucking have this skill⁠—you just don't know how to access it or use it or identify it⁠—then you can recognize what the real problem is. You don't know how to access it and remember to choose it. That's the problem. It's not that you don't know how to be empathetic and how to be curious. You do. You know how to be forgiving. You know how to make mistakes.

Ari: Yeah. To everybody else, except I've never applied it to myself. Yeah.

Jessica: Bada-boom. Exactly. And so that's a different problem, and it takes different remediation. That's why you need the right diagnosis so you can find the right treatment plan. So that's hopefully where we're pointing you to. And this issue is going to be activated for you in the next year or so.

Ari: Okay. Well, I'm glad I talked to you when I did.

Jessica: Me, too, man. I read your question; I was like, "Long-COVID doctor? Let's go." I didn't even look at your chart. I didn't care. I was just like, "We're going to do this." But then, when I looked at your chart, I was like, "Oh, this is right on time, like right on time."

Ari: Yeah. Oh, good. Yeah.

Jessica: I'm very glad we got to do it.

Ari: Just if you have a second, my mom's in spirit, and that just happened in the past year.

Jessica: Oh, I'm so sorry.

Ari: I don't want what I said today or responded to to cause any harm or anything, because I don't think about my mom in that way despite some of the stuff that I acknowledged.

Jessica: So there's a couple things I'll say to that. The first is you're allowed to say, "I love this person, and she was really terrible to me in this way," or, "She really hurt my feelings in that way." I understand you're not actually saying that. I'm saying it, though. And I want to say you're allowed to. You are allowed to love someone and be critical of them at the same time. It doesn't have to be an absolute. You can look at your outfit today and be like, "I love what I'm wearing, but my hair is flat," or whatever, right? No big deal. You could do that. But why can't you, for someone you love, say something critical?

So I want to just, first of all, say that, because again, that Mercury/Pluto square can be very all or nothing. The truth is intimacy in our relationship with our parents⁠—it's nuanced intimacy. It's so messy in even the best relationships. The other thing I want to say is your mom hasn't shown up in this conversation, which is interesting because I've kind of looked around for her. And that doesn't mean anything other than this needed to be about you. This needed to be about you.

Ari: I hear that. Yeah, and that makes me feel good.

Jessica: Oh. Good.

Ari: Yeah, and that I've communicated with my mom in other ways, so I know that she's in spirit, and I know she knows⁠ I need to do it for myself. So that makes me feel good that I was allowed to have this conversation and it not, yeah, implicate her.

Jessica: Yeah. It wasn't about her. She at no point came in being like⁠—you know. I think your mother knew who she was.

Ari: Oh yeah. She did. She called it her Mercury in Leo. "I'm a big baby." That's what she would say. And that's where⁠—my love of astrology comes from my mom as well.

Jessica: That's adorable. And also, I think it's one of those things where she doesn't have that kind of perfectionism that you do. I can just see this psychically. She doesn't have that same "I need to be everything to everyone at all times." She doesn't have that same kind of thing that you do, or she doesn't hold it in the way that you do. So it's okay that you are critical of her in some ways and not in other ways. It is okay, and I think that's part of why this issue for you may have gotten more intense, not because of your mom but because you're in grief.

So, again, your flight-or-fight mechanisms, your emotional overwhelm⁠—all of it's further activated. So, before somebody asks you to fill out a fucking chart, you're already standing too close to the painting. You're already too activated. And so I hope that you are doing things for yourself that leave space for grief. And what grief might look like for you is just feeling empty. It might not be being sad. It might look like being fucking tired because you tend to sublimate things pretty deeply until you're ready. I would recommend having deep veg times⁠—sitting, staring at a wall, doing nothing, and not fucking guilting yourself about it.

You make a ritual time to do your work, and when you're not working, stop fucking thinking about it and give yourself space to feel sad or bad or empty or tired because it's all kind of grief for you. Mourning the loss of someone as close to you as your mom⁠—it's going to take a life to be in that, and you don't have to have a timetable of how you're supposed to feel at this moment because I can see that you've really dove into your work, in some ways because of your work, and in some ways in response to grief. Yeah. I'm sorry. Again, I think this is part of why your mom's not here right now, because you need more for yourself, and it's really okay for whatever the fuck that looks like.

Ari: Yeah. And when you say have a life, just literally make time for myself to do what I need to do for myself.

Jessica: Yeah. The level of pressure you're placing on yourself is very early 30s. You know what I mean? Like separate from all the fucking other things, it's the kind of pressure a person places on themselves when they think they're going to have infinite resources inside of themselves, because this shit's not sustainable, what you're doing.

Ari: Yeah. I keep saying that to myself, too. Yeah. So yep.

Jessica: Yeah. It's just not sustainable. And so, if you could schedule fucking half a day to be pantsless in your house doing nothing with no pressure on yourself, that would be great, even if you're just fucking watching TV, nothing deep. I think you need time to come back into your body. And then, when you come back into your body, you're like, "Oh my God. I'm so sad. Oh, this is terrible." And so then you get busy again, and your life gives you lots of excuses to be busy. But I would encourage you to spend a little more time sitting in that space where you're like, "Oh, I'm uncomfortable in my body. Oh shit. I'm sad in my body." And sit with the resistance that you have to feeling it, and just make that the goal, nothing deeper, because I think⁠—

Ari: Just feel it.

Jessica: Yeah. Just feel it a little bit when you can. Specifically, what I'm seeing⁠—I'm getting lots of real specific little things for you here today. But if you can give yourself four hours once a week⁠—so I'm thinking Saturday mornings is what it looks like. First four hours of Saturday. That's all you need. I mean, you need a lot more. That's a fucking lie. But that's all you need to start developing this emotional muscle. It just will take that glass of water of your anxiety that's on the tip of overflowing⁠—it'll just take it down a little bit, and that'll be a huge difference for you, like a huge difference.

No guilt. No pressure. No add-on. This is about you. It's really important that you let it stay just about you and give yourself space to be messy in it, which I imagine you fucking say to your patients.

Ari: Yeah. I'm going to teach my other⁠—what is it, your tendon? My tendon.

Jessica: Yeah. Teach your friend. Just teach your friend.

Ari: Teach my friend.

Jessica: Yeah.

Ari: My doctor self is going to teach my human self.

Jessica: Yeah. Yeah. That's exactly right. It's such a simple concept, but for me, it just is life-changing. So, hopefully, it'll help yours, too.

Ari: Yeah. Thank you so much, Jessica. I really appreciate it. And thank you for doing what you're doing.

Jessica: Oh, well, thank⁠—well, we're having a thank-you party.

Ari: As a part of my reading, Jessica and I thought it would be valuable to use today's episode to shed some light on long COVID. I'm going to take just a few minutes now to highlight three points: one, what is long COVID; two, the current standard approach and best practices with long COVID; and three, how to best get your long-COVID symptoms addressed should you be affected or others that you know.

So, one, long COVID right now⁠—it's simply a descriptive diagnosis. It's symptoms that start or worsen after COVID and last for two to three months or longer. With it being a descriptive diagnosis, that means right now we don't have a diagnostic test, which means a black-and-white way to be able to say this is truly long COVID and something triggered by COVID or not. And this is a point of huge frustration for patients as well as providers, that we don't yet have these answers, and we're probably still a ways away. There's probably about six working different hypotheses out there that researchers are working on looking to better understand why some people develop long COVID symptoms and why others don't.

Two, current best practices with long COVID⁠—since at this point in time we don't yet have one known specific cause of all long COVID symptoms, that means that everything we can do right now is symptom-driven. For each symptom, we want to look for any identifiable factors that we can address that may help with some symptom relief. Say somebody's testing is all coming back normal and negative, meaning we can't find anything out of range to further explain patient symptoms, which is often the case. The focus would then become on symptom management. Just because we don't know what is causing something doesn't mean we can't give people either medication or some tools that may help with managing symptoms. There are things in our control that can help patients.

The last point I would like to speak to is how to best navigate and get your post-COVID symptoms addressed should you be affected. Part of what makes long COVID so complex is the amount of symptoms that somebody may be experiencing. I've seen new patients with easily five to ten new symptoms that have been persistent since COVID. And in my experience, I often find that patients will present to their PCP with long COVID symptoms, but they often feel dismissed. Given what we have to work with in this healthcare system, I want to encourage patients to make an appointment for each of the symptoms that are bothersome for them. This may require a lot of appointments, but it's worth it for your health.

Finding time to take care of your health isn't always the easiest, especially when you're working a full-time job and you have other responsibilities. But I do hope that these tips can help you make the most of your time navigating the healthcare system.