Welcome to Ghost of a Podcast. I'm your host, Jessica Lanyadoo. I'm an astrologer, psychic medium, and animal communicator, and I'm going to give you your weekly horoscope and no-bullshit mystical advice for living your very best life.

Hey there, Ghosties. In this episode, I will be doing a live reading with one of my beloved listeners. Every Wednesday, listen in on an intimate conversation and get inspired as we explore perspectives on life, love, and the human condition. Along the way, we'll cover valuable insights and practical lessons that you can apply to your own life. And don't forget to hit Subscribe, or at the very least mark your calendars, because every Sunday I'll be back with your weekly horoscope. And that you don't want to miss. Let's get started.

Jessica: Angela, welcome to the podcast.

Angela: Thank you.

Jessica: What would you like to talk about today?

Angela: So I'm just going to read my question if that's fine.

Jessica: Great.

Angela: My question starts off⁠—boom. It says, "I hate being a mother. I know that's not a PC thing to say, but these feelings have intensified over the past year or so, and I'm not sure how to process it. I love my daughter immensely, and I'm not just saying that to make this question more palatable. She is my absolute favorite person. But how do I get to the point where my love for her and my love for being a mother is equal, or is that even necessary? I ask because I feel like it affects my self-love, finding romantic love, friendship love, and other familial love."

Jessica: This is a very honest question. Thank you for being willing to be vulnerable enough to ask it.

Angela: I've been thinking about this, honestly, since my daughter was born or even when I was pregnant because I thought that I would have⁠—like pregnant⁠—it was like, "Oh, there's this glow, and you're just going to love it." I never had a moment where that happened where⁠—even when she was born, it was like, "Oh my God. This baby is a lot."

Jessica: Yeah.

Angela: But yeah. I never had that moment. I like her, and I mean that, because I think like and love are different.

Jessica: Agreed.

Angela: But this whole motherhood shit⁠—I just don't know.

Jessica: Yeah. And how old is she now?

Angela: She's 11. So you'd think it'd be better⁠—

Jessica: No.

Angela: ⁠—because she's independent and can do stuff on her own. But like I said, it's just intensified, and I think because I thought it would be done by now. I thought I would find the glow, but I just haven't.

Jessica: Yeah. Are you parenting alone? Is her dad around the situation at all?

Angela: I am a single parent, technically. He lives close by with his wife, but we have not been together since she was like three months old.

Jessica: And does he coparent with you? Is he around 50 percent, 20 percent?

Angela: "Coparent" is a fun word. I wouldn't describe it as such. Is he present and able to do things? Yes, but I don't feel like I have a coparent.

Jessica: I'm sorry about that.

Angela: Yeah. I feel like I knew that going into it. So I have a lot of guilt and regret about that because I knew that this would be shitty.

Jessica: Okay. Just to get it before I forget, you were born May 14th, 1984, at 3:12 p.m. in Detroit.

Angela: Yes.

Jessica: So, first of all, I want to say before we get into anything specific to you, I think that people lie for lots of reasons. I think one reason why people don't talk about this is because it's such a hard truth to acknowledge and verbalize, let alone hold, that people lie to themselves and therefore to other people. People just have a hard time sitting with the truth when the truth is so rough. You are not alone, even though people don't really talk about this. Mothers don't really get to talk about this much, but I know you're not alone. So I just feel like that's an important thing to say. And focusing on your question, are you still looking for the glow, for that mom glow?

Angela: I don't know. Maybe they're faking it, but I feel like I see all these other moms that look like, "Oh, she looks like she really likes this shit. She looks like she's got it," posting their kids and looking all happy and seeing them out. "Oh, you really wanted to come to this? You really wanted to plan this play date?" I guess I am, but also knowing that deep down, there's just nothing relatable to it for me. I don't know. I'm torn. Part of me is like, "It's going to come," and then the other part is like, "Just let it go."

Jessica: Yeah. I don't think that glow is always true, and I don't think that glow is for everyone. And also, it's very true for a lot of moms, of course. So I just want to preface it by saying this. You, Angela, have a stellium⁠—you've got four planets in Scorpio, including Pluto. You're like, "I have seen my chart. It is [crosstalk]."

Angela: Yes.

Jessica: So not only do you have a stellium in Scorpio, but your Moon is sandwiched between Saturn and Mars, which means a lot of things, but amongst those things is that you are a person who does really well alone. You like being alone.

Angela: Yes.

Jessica: The way that you self-soothe is by being alone. You can be quite particular and fixed about the ways you do things, like, "I wake up. I have a coffee." Those kinds of things⁠—in terms of your self-care, there's a way that works for you, and then there's everything else. And that's really hard with parenting because they're whole people, and they're very demanding, and they don't know how to take care of themselves. So you have to be on top of all of their things.

Straight out the gate, if you had come in being like, "Hey, should I have kids?" I would have been like, "Do you want kids? Is this really a thing you want?" And honestly, Mars is often involved. Not always, but Mars is often involved. And your ability to be responsible is incredibly strong. So I'm guessing that you take very good care of your child.

Angela: Yes. Yes.

Jessica: You do the things. You may not enjoy the things, but you do the things. My concern is not, "Are you able to do the task?" Looking at your chart, the way that you are wired, neediness is not your favorite thing to engage with.

Angela: No. I don't understand it.

Jessica: Yeah, even with a child. A needy adult is one thing, but a needy child is just a child. All children are needy, even independent children. Your mind understands that. You're willing to do the responsibility things around it, but it is emotionally and physically uncomfortable for you pretty much all the time.

Angela: Yes. Yes.

Jessica: I'm sorry. Let's make matters more and say you've got Uranus conjunct your IC. It's at the lowest point of your chart. And Uranus conjunct the IC means you, again, really like being alone, really like being spontaneous in your home. You're very particular about sounds and smells in your home, and peace. Sometimes you need to stay up until all hours of the night. That actually does work for you. But that means, of course, you're not waking up early. With a kid, good luck with that.

Angela: Yeah.

Jessica: You can't do your natural pace. Uranus on the IC makes a person restless. So, oftentimes, that'll mean you physically move apartments or homes frequently. Is that your experience?

Angela: Mm-hmm. I've moved probably every three to four years at this point, which I guess is a lot with a kid.

Jessica: Yeah. It's a lot. It's not bananas a lot, but it is not not a lot, right?

Angela: Yeah.

Jessica: This placement⁠—it's not just about physically moving; it's about just getting restless and you feel stuck. And what's a great way to feel stuck? I don't know⁠—have to parent 24 hours a day, seven days a week, year after year? I hope none of this makes you feel bad. I hope it validates⁠—

Angela: No, it does.

Jessica: Yeah. This is how you're wired, and everything in your chart⁠—I'm looking for an exception, and I'm just not finding one. Everything in your chart says you are an introvert. You like being alone, and you like being in control of your time and space.

Angela: Yes.

Jessica: Everything in your chart. Every single thing, like everything. I mean, on top of it, we're not⁠—

Angela: I joke with people and say that my love language is efficiency. They laugh, and I'm like, "No, that's for real."

Jessica: But it's actually not a joke. It's actually not a joke at all. I mean, listen. You've got Moon in Scorpio, Virgo Rising, Sun in Taurus, a lot of earth, and then your Moon in Scorpio is sandwiched between Mars and Saturn. You want things to be done. You want them to be done the way that you want them to be done. And to make matters more exciting, you want them to be done the same way all the time until all of a sudden you change your mind, and then it's a whole new way. That make sense?

Angela: Yes. Yeah, it does.

Jessica: And so, even if your kid is kind of your bestie and you really genuinely like her and genuinely love her, that doesn't mean you want to be roommates or to be completely responsible for her at all hours of the day, which you inevitably are and have to be. Do I imagine you will reach a sparkle? I don't know that you sparkle in general.

Angela: I don't.

Jessica: Woman after my own heart. So yeah. Sparkle is not exactly your thing.

Angela: No.

Jessica: That thing is not your thing. I want to say two very contradicting things. You are very consistent, and then you can also really change on a dime. So you're really consistent until you change on a dime. So can you say both of your names? And don't worry; these will both be beeped out.

Angela: My name is [redacted], and then her name is [redacted]. And we have the same birthday⁠—

Jessica: What?

Angela: ⁠—which is super fun. Yeah.

Jessica: That's bananas.

Angela: She stole my birthday.

Jessica: That's, like, the worst possible thing for you. I'm so sorry.

Angela: She stole my birthday. I was mad about it at first, and now it's just like, "Whatever." The older I get, it's like, "Fine."

Jessica: It's just the damn irony that would happen to you of all the people. The one day that's your day is our day now. It's just the Universe really telling you⁠—yeah, 100 percent. What do you actually call her?

Angela: You mean like pet names or anything like that?

Jessica: Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Angela: I call her [redacted].

Jessica: There it is. Okay. That's what I was looking for. Thank you. And what does she call you?

Angela: [redacted]

Jessica: She likes spending time alone.

Angela: Oh gosh. Yeah. Honestly, a lot of times, we come home, and I'll be like, "Goddamn it. Where did you go?" She's gone [crosstalk].

Jessica: Yeah. She likes spending time alone. Yeah. She's really contemplative. I wouldn't say she's really independent, but she really likes being alone.

Angela: Yeah.

Jessica: So she's your child. When I look at things from her perspective, she feels like you're impatient with her.

Angela: I can see that.

Jessica: From her perspective, it looks like⁠—and to be clear, I'm not looking at her birth chart. I'm just looking at her psychically. It looks like that would be the thing⁠—does she not tell you what she thinks? Does she not get mad at you and throw things at you? She's 11. Isn't that time?

Angela: Yeah. We can get into it sometimes, but not a lot. Not often. There are times where⁠—this is such a Black mama saying. I tell her, like, "Look. Don't talk to me like I'm one of your little friends." So I have to tell her that a lot. But for the most part, we communicate really well.

Jessica: What I'm seeing, though, is that⁠—okay. Does she feel loved? Does she feel taken care of? And there's an element of she's an 11-year-old girl, so not all the time. There's the hormones of, "You don't get me," and all this kind of stuff. And then there's your impatience, which comes across as irritability. But yeah. You guys talk. You hang out. You have a really loving relationship, in your way, in a way that really works for the two of you.

Angela: Yes. When other people see us interact, it has often been called strange or odd. We talk like friends, and we talk about absolutely everything. There's nothing that's off limits. And our interactions⁠—people are like, "Are you fighting right now?" It's like, "Nope. We're talking."

Jessica: Yeah.

Angela: Yeah. It's interesting to others. I think it's normal, and I think she does, too.

Jessica: It's certainly normal for the two of you. And I think she could use more physical affection, and also, if you started all of a sudden being physically more affectionate, she would be like, "What are you doing?" I think she could use it. I think she could bear more physical affection, and also, I think there's something developmentally really powerful about kids being able to push away our parents' love and still get that love and not lose that love or get punished. So I think that would be good, especially because I am seeing when I look at her energetically she's having more of an issue internally around her dad. Does her dad have other kids now?

Angela: Yes.

Jessica: Just a couple years old, right? Like under five?

Angela: Yeah. Yeah.

Jessica: There's stuff going on for your daughter. And so she could use more snuggle attacks, really. And it can be a snuggle attack, which I think is a little more your style than gentle, easy snuggle all the time.

Angela: Yeah.

Jessica: You can snuggle-attack her in a playful way, and it will be tolerable for you because physical affection is not necessarily your forte if I'm seeing things correctly.

Angela: I have to remember.

Jessica: Yeah. That Moon sandwiched between Saturn and Mars is just like, "Bodies are for utility. Why are you talking to me about other things?" When people are gently snuggling you, you probably want to punch them a little bit.

Angela: Yeah. I'm not a cuddler at all.

Jessica: Yeah. It's true. So I don't know what this is going to look like for you. Do you do her hair?

Angela: Yep.

Jessica: But is it like a utilitarian thing?

Angela: Yep. So I braid it so I don't have to do it all the time, and she's really tender. When I do her hair, she cries a lot, and I'll admit I've told her to cry on the inside.

Jessica: Oh. Okay. So let's actually talk about that because I'm willing to wager as your astrologer that you're rough, that you're rough with hair.

Angela: Yep.

Jessica: Yeah. You're just like, "I don't want to be doing this, so let's just get it done."

Angela: Yeah. I try, but since I don't know what it feels like, I'm like, "What the hell?"

Jessica: Yep. Yep. I understand. And also, it's a long job.

Angela: Yes.

Jessica: It's not like you're doing something for two seconds. It's like a long job. So I am going to give you this homework. This is not going to give you any sparkle feelings. Is this going to feel worse than what you're currently doing? A little, but it is worth it for the next year or two if you could do this. Be more gentle with how you braid her hair.

Angela: Okay.

Jessica: Or spring for someone else doing it that she feels easy with.

Angela: Okay.

Jessica: But I think it would be ideal if you could do it. This could be a time where she feels affection from you that is actually easier for you than snuggling. Braiding her hair is actually your lightest lift. I'm giving you a soft pitch. It's just not coming at you soft. You have Mars in Scorpio conjunct Saturn. You literally have a hard head. You're somebody who could fall into something with your head and be fine, so I'm not surprised that you're like, "I don't get the big deal." Somebody could pull at your hair, and you're absolutely fine. But it's in your chart that you have a hard head. It's not like you have a normal head; you have a hard head.

Angela: Yes.

Jessica: So you are not a good barometer of what is acceptable aggressiveness with hair. So I'm going to give you that.

Angela: Not at all.

Jessica: No. Just not. The only other piece of advice I would give you here⁠—you ask her a lot of questions. You're interested in her thoughts and her opinions and all this kind of stuff, correct?

Angela: Yes.

Jessica: But you don't ask her questions about her feelings as much.

Angela: No.

Jessica: It doesn't even occur to you, right?

Angela: No. It's usually some current news topic. "Oh my God. Did you hear about such-and-such? What do you think about that?" We talk about stuff like that.

Jessica: Yeah. And that works for both of you, actually.

Angela: Yeah.

Jessica: And what I'm going to say is very hard because it's just not your nature. There's no relationship that this would be easy for you to remember to do. But I would say asking questions about how she feels⁠—so, if you're talking about, "Did you hear about this ridiculous TikTok trend or this scandalous news thing?" or whatever, just throw in the question, "How do you feel?" And certainly about things like her dad, or there's stuff going on for her socially right now with her friend group. Are you aware of this?

Angela: I know she's got a new best friend.

Jessica: Yeah. There's stuff going on in her social world. And asking her, like, "How do you feel about your old bestie?" like, "Why do you like this new girl? How does she make you feel?" You may even literally google how to ask emotionally probing questions, or get a list of questions. You don't have to invent the wheel here, you know?

Angela: That's so funny. Those are the types of things I google.

Jessica: Yeah, as you should, because this Scorpio stellium that you have is⁠—you go really deep or you veer away. You're kind of all in, all out.

Angela: Yes. Completely.

Jessica: And so, if you're going to ask emotionally probing questions just by your nature, they're going to be with an adult, first of all, and they're going to come out of a deep emotional connection, which has to be somewhat tumultuous; otherwise, you don't consider it deep. You don't want a tumultuous connection with your kid. An 11-year-old [crosstalk]⁠—

Angela: No.

Jessica: ⁠—not be that deep. And so it just doesn't occur to you. It doesn't even enter your mind. And what you want to be able to do for her is to be able to give her that tool of being able to identify her emotions.

Angela: Okay.

Jessica: That's the thing, because she's having so many emotions right now, and she's not able to really identify them, necessarily. And so she needs a little bit more of that because, basically, if I'm being totally frank⁠, I'm scanning. I'm giving you this advice because I'm scanning for, is this feeling that you have of "Jesus fucking Christ. I do not want to be a parent, a mother specifically"⁠—is it leaking on her? Is it causing harm? And those are the things that are standing out to me that really would be incredibly valuable to her for you to do, and they're not going to change a damn thing about how you feel. I'm sorry. That's not what this advice is for.

I want to, then, shift the focus onto you unless you have any questions about her or parenting stuff in that way.

Angela: You mentioned her dad a lot. That was a very⁠—it was just a terrible, abusive relationship. And she's expressed a lot about⁠—almost like being scared of her dad, not wanting to be there sometimes. And I think maybe that adds to just the overwhelm of parenting. I always feel like I have to be extra on top of shit and extra⁠—whatever she might be missing or lacking or feeling a certain type of way about.

And part of me almost didn't even send the question in because I was like, "Maybe it's just that. Maybe I hate this because I hate doing it with him." Having to do this with him is pretty bad. It is almost like I feel like there is a hurricane, and I'm in the calm of the eye and trying to just stay in the middle of the eye, the calm, and have her there with me. But we're surrounded, and there's nothing I can do to break out of that.

Jessica: You are doing a lot, actually. You are a consistent safe place for her. I won't say you never scare her, because everyone's scared of their parents sometimes.

Angela: I'm sure I do.

Jessica: Yeah. Yeah. I mean, that's kind of your job, I think, to scare her into sense. That's part of your job. And also, again, Scorpio stellium⁠—you can scare anyone. That is your birthright. But you do provide her safety and consistency. She is herself around you. She's herself in her home. How many of us are like, "Yeah, I had a great dad," or, "Both my parents were awesome. I felt totally safe"? If there were many people like that, I wouldn't have a very busy job. You know what I mean? Realistically, that's not it.

But what you can do is model for her what a safe parent is. And I think you are doing that in a lot of ways. Is she expressing fear around him being physically violent or just being an unpredictable, intense guy?

Angela: Definitely the latter, the not towards her physically violent, just punching holes in the wall or being aggressive towards her stepmom, things like that, which is why I left.

Jessica: Yeah, which is⁠—congratulations.

Angela: Thanks. But I still⁠—because we have to⁠—I don't want to say share this child. It makes her sound like a commodity. But just⁠—we have to coparent as much as we can. I feel like she's constantly bouncing back and forth between sucking up something, and then coming home would be like⁠—and I can feel that on her a lot, and I see it on her a lot.

Jessica: Do you have a legal agreement where you have to let her go there?

Angela: No.

Jessica: Okay.

Angela: No.

Jessica: Realistically speaking, do you desperately need that time when she's gone?

Angela: Desperately? In my head, yes, but⁠—and I have tried⁠—like, I've told him about these things, and I've kept her from going over there for a while. That was a shit show of a conversation. I don't even call it a conversation. It was just a shit show and turned into blaming me and, "You must be doing this." I tried that, and I think certain things have gotten better. I think it's still hard for her because of the latter of what you said, like this, "I don't know if he's going to freak out today."

Jessica: Right. Even without asking his name, which is how I usually look at people energetically, I see that he's really unpredictable, and he's like the opposite of you. He's constantly making noise. He's constantly taking up space in this really intense way. He's aggressive even when he's not punching holes in walls. There's something inherently aggressive about him.

Angela: Yes. It's aggressive in all things, happiness⁠—his happy is like ten. If he's angry, it's ten. If he's feeling any sort of emotion, it's ten. So there's no spectrum. It is all ten.

Jessica: Which is really kind of the opposite of how you function.

Angela: Yes.

Jessica: Even if you might feel that way on the inside, that is not how you function. Will you do me a favor? And we're going to beep this out, but say his full name for me.

Angela: His name is [redacted].

Jessica: Okay. There's going to come a point where she's probably going to need you to pull her out⁠—

Angela: Okay.

Jessica: ⁠—of being around him. And this makes sense why, before, I was like, "Okay. Let's talk about how you can give her emotional tools to identify how she's feeling," because she is so incredibly tense around him. She doesn't feel at home. She doesn't feel safe. And whether or not he would cross the line and perpetrate physical harm to her⁠—I would not wish that on her, of course, but in a way, if that happened, she'd be like, "He did the thing." You'd be like, "Never again," and it would be over. But what he does is everything but that.

Angela: Yes.

Jessica: And it's like if you're having a fight with somebody and they're driving the car, and then they just drive really reckless and fast, it's abusive. It's really a terrible thing because you're terrorizing somebody. And he terrorizes people.

Angela: Yes.

Jessica: Some of it is very intentional, and some of it's just his damn personality.

Angela: Yes.

Jessica: She is too tightly wound to take it. No 11-year-old should or could, but with her personality, she just holds her breath the whole time she's there. And unfortunately, that puts you in the bad position of having to decide whether or not you take her away from her dad, save her from her dad, or leave the situation as it is. Nothing you do with him is going to go over easy, though, honestly.

Angela: No.

Jessica: There's no version of anything that will work easily. Do you ever think about leaving the area, like leaving the state that you're in?

Angela: I thought about it, and I've even asked her what she thought. And her first thought was, "How would I see my sister?" She calls my mother [redacted]. She's like, "Well, what about [redacted]?" They're like the Golden Girls.

Jessica: That's adorable. That is adorable.

Angela: They really are. My mother is Rose, and my daughter is Sophia. It is the funniest thing.

Jessica: That is amazing. Does that make you Dorothy?

Angela: Hell yeah. I'll admit it. I am Dorothy Zbornak through and through. I'm okay with that.

Jessica: That's awesome. That is awesome. I respect that very much. Okay. So leaving isn't actually a good idea. It's not an answer because it just creates all these other problems.

Angela: Yeah. And then I'd really be doing parenting by myself, and it's like, "Holy crap." I've thought about it, but I've mostly thought about just reserving that until she's older.

Jessica: That's smart. And also⁠—watch me be a real pain in your ass. Get ready, okay?

Angela: Okay.

Jessica: Get ready. Starting in January of 2023, you entered into a once-in-a-lifetime period. It's called Pluto square Mercury. And this will last for two years. And this transit⁠—I know. I tried to make it sound exciting. It's not. This transit is overlapping with Pluto square. Have you heard of the Pluto square?

Angela: I have heard you talk about it, but you're going to have to remind me.

Jessica: Oh, don't worry. Don't worry. So your Pluto square just began on February 12th, last week. Both of these transits last two years long. And this is why you're going to have to deal with your fucking ex. Let me start with the Pluto square to Pluto. Pluto square to Pluto happens to everyone somewhere around anywhere from late 30s to early 40s, around 40. And it's the first transit associated with the three transits that mark the mid-age crisis. So you're at the beginning. Welcome.

Angela: Fun.

Jessica: Yeah. It's really fun. It's really fun from here on out. Pluto square to Pluto⁠, what it does is it brings up⁠—and this, again, just started a week ago and will last you two years. It brings up issues that you felt like you'd dealt with, issues from your early childhood, like your core shit, the stuff that you feel like, "Oh, I already handled that in my 20s. I worked through that." And then it starts coming back up in your Pluto square to Pluto, and it does so so that you confront and hopefully heal. But what happens for a lot of people is it feels like you're being tortured by circumstances that are of course different but bring up the same core issues. Were you raised with your dad?

Angela: Yes. They divorced when I was in my late teens. I was almost in college.

Jessica: And was he also a very intense man?

Angela: Yes.

Jessica: Yeah. Having to deal with somebody who's technically impossible to deal with and have it go well, your best-case scenario is still going to go really poorly, right?

Angela: Yes.

Jessica: This is the theme, is, "It doesn't matter what I do. It's still going to fucking suck." And so this idea of, "Well, do I do anything?"⁠—it's not just bringing up shit from your childhood. It's bringing up shit from your mom and the relationship she had with her husband and how she did or didn't protect you. So this is a really big theme that is activated for you in your Pluto square to Pluto. It's likely, also, to impact your finances because of where Pluto is placed in your birth chart.

At the exact same time, you're going through a Pluto square to Mercury. Pluto square to Mercury makes you really focus mentally on things that are intense. Your thoughts, when they're just lingering, they're going to intense and heavy things right now. And by right now, I mean for the next two years. And so what you're thinking about, how you're feeling about it, how you communicate, what you actually say, is likely to get more intense.

A lot of times, in this transit, people experience power struggles and verbal conflicts because you just need to say what you're fucking thinking. And because you have this Mercury/Pluto opposition in your birth chart, you learned from your childhood it was better to say nothing and be withholding than to say something and have to deal with unpredictable consequences. And so now, unfortunately, this fucking ex of yours is likely to trigger this stuff. And it might get triggered in other smaller ways, like in a work dynamic or something where on a scale from one to ten, it's not a ten; it might be at a two, but it's still that theme playing out.

It is possible that this theme could play out with your relationship to parenting itself. And to that, I say one of the most important, impactful, and effective things you could do for yourself is accept that you had a kid. And I know it sounds too simple or something, but⁠—

Angela: No. It doesn't.

Jessica: It's all that Scorpio. It's really hard for you to accept things that you don't completely want. Sometimes it's these unconscious things that we do that help us to let go. And when we let go, when we're not holding on so tight, there's less pain. And what you have a tendency to do is hold on real fucking tight when there's something that you're not feeling safe with or in control. You don't feel safe when you don't feel control. And I've never met a parent who feels like they're in control, unless they're super intense, and that's a whole other problem.

What I would encourage you to do for your own self is to accept that, like it or hate it, you absolutely have a kid and you're a mom. And within that, you have choices. But it's only within that that you have choices. And if you have grief around that, let yourself have grief. If you need to talk about it, get thee a shrink. Do you have a therapist?

Angela: I was doing therapy for a while. Not anymore.

Jessica: So this is what I'm going to say to you about therapy for you. The only reason why I think you need therapy is because you can talk circles around anyone. Your friends giving good advice is wonderful, but that's just based on what you fucking tell them. And I can see as your astrologer that you don't tell people things unless you've already handled it, pretty much, right? So, when you're at like 80 percent, you start sharing. Am I right?

Angela: Yeah.

Jessica: Yeah. Yeah. You're welcome. Within that, I would say a therapist is a human lockbox. You're paying somebody to listen to you sort through, talk through, figure out what you think, not somebody to give you advice. You do not need advice. Sometimes you want advice, but you hate advice because if somebody's right, you don't like that any more than you like it if they're wrong.

Angela: That's true.

Jessica: Yes. Yes. So, instead, thinking of therapy as just a place where you can work things out verbally⁠—which is an important skill for you to have and also, honestly, makes things go quicker. And you don't have to care what they think. They're not your friend. You're paying them to be on your team for an hour once a week. You could handle that. That could work for you, somebody to just sort things out, and ideally somebody who could ask you⁠—again, all this fucking Scorpio stuff; you get really tight⁠—and when you get too tight, somebody who's a good enough therapist to be like, "Hey. Slow down. Have a breath. How do you feel?"

And then you can hate them, and they're not your friend, so it's okay. But you keep coming back because on your own, you don't have an easy time remembering to breathe. For that reason, I encourage therapy for you. It's really worth exploring because you could use somebody who's literally just there for you.

Angela: Okay.

Jessica: That's what it's about. It's not about advice. You don't need advice. I'm giving you advice, literally, so I guess maybe you need advice. But I just see the way your mind works. That's not what therapy is for you.

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Jessica: Okay. You have to accept that you're alive, and there's a part of you that's really resisting that.

Angela: Yeah. I feel like I tend to be really robotic about a lot of things, which doesn't really necessarily translate to being alive.

Jessica: Yeah.

Angela: It translates to almost just Step 1, Step 2, Step 3, Step 4, throughout the day [crosstalk] year.

Jessica: You're being responsible to the human condition that you find yourself in. You're handling what you've been given. But I think there's this part of you that's waiting to one day open a door, and then there's sparkle; there's that thing. I think if you walked into a room and it was filled with sparkle, you'd be like, "What the fuck is this?" and you would walk out of the room.

Angela: Yeah. Yeah. It does take me a while to⁠—because I have friends like that that⁠—I shouldn't say I make fun of them. I appreciate them very much. It's like, "Oh, what is this shit?"

Jessica: Right.

Angela: It's so cute.

Jessica: It's just not your wiring. And so, at some point, you decided that sparkle was something that would be life-affirming and that if only you had that sparkle, then you would feel a particular way. But I think you have enough evidence at this age that when you encounter sparkle, you're like, "Huh. What is this?" And you actually⁠—that's not your version of happy. It's somebody else's version of happy, and she is a very well received woman in the world, but I don't know that that's your version.

And the more that you can accept what your version of happy is, something that is different than sparkle but equally valuable to you as your idea about sparkle⁠—did I make up that word, or did you use that? You used the word "sparkle," right?

Angela: I think I said glow.

Jessica: Glow. Glow. Okay. Good. I saw it as a sparkle. Okay. Glow. And honestly, I think a lot of it is, for you, contemplative. You are⁠—I wouldn't say somber. I would say self-serious person. I mean, you're Dorothy, you know? And that is a beautiful thing. My question for you is, am I speaking to the things that are important? Did I answer the question about your ex?

Angela: Yes.

Jessica: Is there anything else you want me to speak to? Any other kind of questions you have?

Angela: I think the other part of the question was just⁠—and I don't know if I have this question anymore because I feel like the guilt of not loving being a mom was almost making me feel as if I didn't deserve other types of love. It's like, well, if I can't get this right, then what's even the point of the other stuff, you know, romantic love or even love with friendships, communities, stuff like that? They're going to see that I fucking hate this shit, and they're not going to want me.

Jessica: Oh, that's intense.

Angela: Yeah. But I think I feel more at ease with not loving being a mom and being okay with loving my child and loving her well and hopefully not raising an asshole. But yeah. I think that's always something that kind of digs at the back of my mind, is almost like a worthiness or prerequisite for other types of love.

Jessica: Okay. Lots of people don't want to be a mom. I don't think that makes anyone unworthy of love, whether you have a kid or not. But again, we're back to self-acceptance because there's this way that I don't know that you've accepted the kind of love you actually want. If I'm looking at your birth chart and I'm saying, "Well, okay"⁠—and do you still date men?  Is it only men?

Angela: Yes. Yeah.

Jessica: If I'm looking at your chart and I'm like, "Okay"⁠—you're telling me you want to be in love? Is that kind of how you feel?

Angela: I want a life partner. I don't think I want to get married. I just want a really, really good friend who I also have sex with and makes life better by being here and vice versa. That's it.

Jessica: Yeah. That's a woman after my own heart. Let me just say that, okay? So a couple things. Agreed, you do not want to get married. I think it would fuck things up for you. It would make you feel trapped.

Angela: Yes.

Jessica: And maybe, one day, you and your best friend/partner who you like having sex with⁠—you're like, "Oh shit. We're old," or, "One of us had a medical issue. Okay. We'll get married for that reason." You could do that, and it will still make you itchy. Uranus opposite the Midheaven conjunct the IC is just going to fucking do that. So, again, congratulations that you know yourself and you accept that. I agree. What you want is a best friend, somebody who you can be quiet with, who you can trust, somebody who doesn't lie. You don't have to guess what they're thinking; they just tell you⁠—

Angela: Yes.

Jessica: ⁠—which is why you ended up with your ex, because it seemed like you put everything out there, but he wasn't necessarily honest with himself, let alone with you. He just put everything out there. What you want is somebody who is more verbal than you are but not necessarily more⁠—yeah, that's right⁠—but not necessarily more extroverted than you are. And that's a very specific thing. I think you can totally have that. There is nothing in your chart that makes me think this is not going to happen for you. In fact, I think this is not a bad time for you to go and try dating. I know. I was rude. It was mean. I was so rude and mean.

Angela: The cesspool of dating is just⁠—

Jessica: Torture.

Angela: It's overwhelming.

Jessica: You're no good with small talk.

Angela: Oh, fuck no.

Jessica: You're no good with that.

Angela: No.

Jessica: Do you ever go out on dates?

Angela: Yep.

Jessica: Okay. And when you do, what do you do? Where do you go? A bar, restaurant?

Angela: Usually something like that. I've gone to some where it's like we sit and talk at a park, which I guess sounds boring to some people, but⁠—

Jessica: That's the only idea you⁠—

Angela: I really like to read people.

Jessica: Yeah. That's the one. Yeah. I'm going to give you a couple pieces of advice. The first one is don't go to bars with men. You're never going to like a guy you meet at a bar. It's just not your vibe.

Angela: I'm not really a drinker either.

Jessica: No. I knew that, because you're not an addict. You've got an all-or-nothing chart around that. So going to bars⁠—it's not just that it's not your vibe; it's also like it's what everyone does, and that turns you off just on the principle.

Angela: Yes.

Jessica: So going for a walk is great because there's a distraction. Sitting at a park bench is great. That works. You could get an ice cream or something. Walk-and-grab kind of thing is fine. I actually think you would do really well⁠—and I don't know if this would resonate with you⁠—by the third date, or if you're having fun on the first date, pulling out a multiple-choice questionnaire, and the two of you answer it.

Angela: Oh my God. That's, like, my dream.

Jessica: It's a dream, right? I nailed it. I nailed it. Thank you. Don't wait for a man to be your dream. You be the dream. Pull it out, and any guy who's like, "What the fuck are you doing?" is not your man, unless he does that and he's delighted. Yes, he's your man. Let's get rid of this whole idea that you need to be appealing to men. No. You need to be yourself, and the right guy is going to be all about that. Everyone else is not. You just hate wasting your time.

Angela: Yes.

Jessica: You're very against it. You're very against it. And you're not good at talking about shit you don't think is interesting. So a multiple-choice questionnaire would be interesting not only because you're getting to know the guy, but there's so many conversations that can happen as a result of any one stupid question. I would encourage you to seriously find a website you like. Download a few in your phone so you just have them if you need them if you're bored with a friend or on a date. Are you shy? Am I seeing that you're shy with men?

Angela: I tend to let other people take the lead in social situations because I observe a lot.

Jessica: Interesting.

Angela: And opening up is really awkward to me because I feel like, once I do, I'll be seen as, like, "Why would she ask that?"

Jessica: Okay.

Angela: A little too much. Not necessarily personality-wise, but kind of like, "Girl, I don't know you."

Jessica: Okay. Okay. I saw when I gave you that advice that it was great advice until you thought about actually doing it, and you're like, "Yeah, I'm not going to do that." Am I right?

Angela: I might.

Jessica: Okay. Okay. Okay. Good. I like that you might, because what I'm saying is that you may pull back, but that's just not great for you if you actually want to get to know a person. You are lot, and that doesn't have to work for anyone but the one. It only needs to work for one person. And when I say that you're a lot, I really just mean it's not just that you don't like small talk. It's that you do like deep conversations about something real. You could be talking about some stupid celebrity situation and having a real conversation about the social implications behind it or the morals of it. You want to be talking about something that actually matters to you.

Angela: Yes. Yeah. I had a conversation with a guy who I met on an app. Our first conversation⁠—talked about normal shit. And then he mentioned something. I was like, "What do you think about LGBTQ+ rights?" And he's like, "Wait. What? Like, I don't even know you." And I never heard from him again.

Jessica: Great. That's perfect.

Angela: So it's shit like that that I mention, and it was like, "Well, okay, then."

Jessica: I want to say keep doing that. I just want to say keep doing that because you can only be yourself, and if a guy likes you for not being yourself, who fucking cares? What a waste of your time. And any guy who's like, "Wait. What?" about something that to you is just a normal conversation is just not for you. You already know that you want a little bit of a unicorn, a little bit of a unicorn. I think you can have that unicorn. You just have to be willing to let people see you more frequently.

Angela: My daughter told me years ago⁠—she was, like, five. She was like, "Mom, the only way you're going to meet someone is if he's just as weird as we are." So yes. You're correct about that.

Jessica: That's adorable. There's no other way to put it, though. That is just what it is, what it is, what it is. Something that is really deeply a part of you is that you⁠ are kind of a dude. You're kind of a dude.

Angela: I've been told that a lot.

Jessica: I'm sure you have. And you want to be left alone. You want space. You want to do weird, cool things, and you also want to do nothing. You are very compatible to date a man, to be intimate with a man in that way. It's the ways in which you hold yourself back that stop you from showing yourself to the right guy. Do you have a thing about tall guys?

Angela: I'll say yes, but I've dated all different heights just because⁠—slim pickings.

Jessica: I respect that. Yes. I was going to say I think you should be open to short guys.

Angela: Okay.

Jessica: Yeah.

Angela: I have been lately.

Jessica: Good. I don't know⁠—that must be why it came up. I was like, "I don't know why I'm seeing this, but I'm seeing be open to short guys. Be open to guys that are not necessarily what you think you're attracted to, because you're the kind of person, if you like his mind and you like the way he feels, like his energy around you, you'll just develop an attraction for him. The people that, instantly, you look at them and you're like, "Yes, that one," are not always reliably the one⁠—Scorpio, Scorpio, Scorpio.

Angela: Yes. For sure.

Jessica: So initial chemistry is not a reliable metric for you. It's weird conversations that go somewhere. That's the reliable metric. That's the guy you're going to want to tolerate. You're somebody who⁠—I think you could date somebody for a couple years before you even have a conversation about what's next. That is really great. The key is continuing to put yourself out there. Now, say your full name.

Angela: [redacted]

Jessica: I think you could get into a relationship this year if you put yourself out there.

Angela: So exhausting already.

Jessica: I know. I know. So this is why I checked. Okay. This is good. You don't completely want a relationship. You want to know that you'll have a relationship, but you don't necessarily want a relationship right now.

Angela: I just want to wake up one day and be like, "There you are."

Jessica: There's the glow. There's the glow. And it shuts down when I don't want it, and it opens up when I do want it. Okay. So, if you don't really have space in your life right now to date, don't do it. Don't waste your fucking time. You don't have to unless you're getting something out of it. Pulling a guy to scratch an itch and move on with your life or whatever, that works. And do you have casual sex, speaking of itch scratching?

Angela: Yes.

Jessica: Okay. Great. It's good for you. You're fine. I mean, I don't know how you feel about it, but it looks like you're somebody who can get in there, get it done, and keep on moving. Am I right about that?

Angela: Yep.

Jessica: Yep. So the key, of course, is safer sex. Are you pretty good about that?

Angela: Yes.

Jessica: Great. That's very important. I mean, I honestly don't see any downside for you about hooking up. But I will say the guys that you just hook up with are not weird enough for you. They're not smart enough for you. They're not weird enough for you. And as long as you're really clearly not leading yourself to believe that's the only guy out there⁠—it's just the easy guy out there. So what it really is that you don't want to have to deal with a man until your child is on the verge of moving on.

Angela: I think it's more like the prospect of dating is just exhausting, like having to go through the shit and talk about dumb shit and then realizing I just wasted my time. That was three weeks I can't get back. I think it's more that than her.

Jessica: Right. So what you're describing is dating somebody you don't like, just so we're clear.

Angela: Which is all I've done.

Jessica: Right. Right. I think the reason why I'm seeing you don't want to date until you're done parenting is because parenting is hard, and you think dating is going to be hard, so one difficult thing at a time. This is the attitude that you're running here, okay?

Angela: Yes.

Jessica: And I will say if you have good conversations with a man somewhere between the first and third date, he is definitely worth giving three more dates two.

Angela: Okay.

Jessica: If you don't have a good conversation by the third date, love him and leave him. It's enough.

Angela: Okay.

Jessica: So we're talking about three dates. Now, does that mean three weeks, like one date in a week? Maybe. Is that three weeks of your life you'll never get back? That's the wrong attitude. That's the wrong attitude.

Angela: That's how I see time. I see it as like I paid one dollar.

Jessica: Let me give you a reframe. Yeah. Let me give you a reframe. Think about this. Do you eat bread?

Angela: Yes.

Jessica: Okay. You have a loaf of bread. You're eating a slice. Is it like bread you'll never get back or money you'll never get back? No. You ate the bread. You got something out of it. Did you eat that second slice? No. You didn't eat the second slice or the fifth slice or whatever the metaphor is. But you ate it, and you paid for it, paid for it in all the ways that we pay for the things that we pay for. I would recommend a tweak on your thinking. It's not a waste of your time to go on a date with somebody and decide that they're not right for you. It's a waste of your time to know someone's not right for you and keep on going on dates with him.

Angela: Yes. Okay.

Jessica: There's a difference.

Angela: Okay.

Jessica: Yes. So it's really about a shift in your attitude that will help, and essentially, this is like accepting that you have to date to find the one, which⁠—you haven't completely accepted that. But that's the move. And I think that if you date somebody, and let's say you're like, "Oh, he could work," and six months later, you're like, "No, he could not work. No," I don't think that's a waste of your time, either, because the truth is⁠—was the last real relationship you had your ex, your kid's father?

Angela: Kind of. The longest-lasting. I've had a couple relationships in between there that were short or were not really relationships, so yeah.

Jessica: They were like situationy is what it looks like.

Angela: Yes. Yeah.

Jessica: Yeah. That tells you that there's something in your picker where that guy felt like the right choice, and he's too much like your dad. So there's something in your picker that you need to kind of work out. Back to my stupid bread metaphor, you make a sandwich for the first time, and you might not make it very well. But if you keep on making the sandwich, you just make it better and it gets easier. The same thing is true with dating. And I think if you date someone for six months and you think it's going to work, and then you're like, "He's a fucking idiot. This is not going to work," okay. That's not a waste of your time.

That's a time in your life where you learned something about yourself, and you learned something about why you may have misinterpreted things about him. Now, if you date him for six months, and for three months, you're miserable and you know better, that's a waste of your time. It takes about, in a long-term relationship, at least three to six months to figure that out, usually, and in a shorter-term relationship, three weeks to figure out, "This isn't working for me," because sometimes you're like, "Am I having a bad day? Is he having a bad day? Is it just a mean Full Moon and that's what this is or something? Or is it that I don't fucking like this guy?" It takes a minute to figure it out.

So you don't want to be like, "It took me a month to figure it out that it was a waste of my time." No. It takes time to figure things out. So what we're talking about⁠—yes, we're talking about romantic love, but we're really talking about the same thing that we're talking about with motherhood, which is, can you accept the job? Can you really accept this is where it is? This is where it is. And there are things that you need to do to get a bestie who you also want to bone and for a long period of time. There's things you need to do to make that happen.

And if you can accept that, what you will have to do then is engage with all that you cannot control and that you do not know, and that makes you want to shut down and run for the hills.

Angela: Yikes.

Jessica: Yeah. Exactly. Exactly. But that's the move. That's what's in your way. I really do think that you get that out of your way⁠—a.k.a. you work through it; you move through it⁠—and yeah, I do think you're going to have a relationship, and on your terms. It's not easy. I'm not trying to act like, "Oh, just move that out of your way." Torture. I'm recommending that you engage in torture, and again, get a therapist to help you work through it.

But a lot of this is about a reframe in your approach or your attitude. And I know that dating can take time and energy away from parenting, technically speaking. But also know that it is really valuable for your child to see you prioritizing your own happiness.

Angela: She does get excited if I've had times where a man is calling. She's like, "Oh, look."

Jessica: That's adorable.

Angela: And I do feel strongly about wanting to model actual love for her because she doesn't see that anywhere, I don't think, between people who love each other romantically. I want her to see that, "Hey, this shit can actually happen." I know there's no one here.

Jessica: Yes. And it can happen on your terms. You don't have to be like a traditional mother or traditional woman in any particular way, and you can still be happy. I think that motivation will actually help you a little bit.

Angela: Okay.

Jessica: Yeah, because you're modeling for her how to get out of your own way, which every person who dates has to do one way or another. I have an annoying question. What do your apps say? Do you use an app where it says something about you, or is it just like a swipe on a face situation?

Angela: I'm a serial deleter of apps. Are you talking about dating apps?

Jessica: Yes, I am. And I am zero percent surprised.

Angela: Yeah. I will download it, fill out all the shit, put something in there to let them know, "Hey, I'm fucking weird." And then I'll get some matches, and then someone will piss me off and be like, "Fuck this."

Jessica: And you're out.

Angela: Delete, delete, delete. Yep. So that's where I currently am.

Jessica: You're deleted.

Angela: Yes.

Jessica: Okay. I would say that, next time you feel it, choose a site that has some sort of multiple-choice questionnaire, because you like those, because they're fun. I don't know if the matches are more reliable or not, but a man who bothers to fill out a questionnaire is a better match for you straight out the fucking gate than somebody who just knows how to upload a photo.

Angela: Yeah.

Jessica: So I think you do need somebody who likes to do the steps, who's willing to do steps. So I think that's, first of all, what I would do. And then, if you have friends that you trust enough⁠—do you have friends that you really trust?

Angela: Yes, but they don't live here in the States.

Jessica: It doesn't matter. For my advice, it doesn't matter at all. In fact, that's better. You could have a friend help you manage your dating profile.

Angela: I have a friend who would love that shit.

Jessica: That's the one. That's the one. I once did that for a friend, actually. I just completely managed her dating profile. And when people messaged her, I was like, "I am not the person you're seeing. I am her dear friend, and let me tell you, blah, blah, blah." And I just screened people.

Now, it doesn't have to be that advanced and that dramatic, but you could just have her sort through and be like, "Okay, it's Thursday. You can go on the app. I went through all the creeps," or whatever, so it's just like more of a friend thing and also less of a heavy lift because, again, you're not great with the small-talk stuff and the little admin stuff. So, if your friend could help you with that, that would be great.

The other thing⁠—oh, I'm seeing that would be really great. The other thing is the way you describe yourself is probably not doing you justice. So, if your friend had a hand in your profile, that would be really helpful. If you do a multiple-choice questionnaire thing, do it on Zoom with a friend so that your friend can be like, "What are you saying that's not you?" because they will, because you get weird in your head.

Angela: Yes.

Jessica: Okay. Good. So those are things you can try.

Angela: Okay.

Jessica: You don't have to try them now. You could try them in a year, or never, obviously. But yeah. I'm not saying, "Oh, you have to do this now." But I am saying taking a slightly different attitude and approach will help you.

Angela: Okay.

Jessica: Yeah. Do you have any remaining questions? Did I get at the main question for you? And you can take a moment to think about it if you'd like.

Angela: No. I think we got it. And I definitely do appreciate the advice about my daughter and being more affectionate with her because you're right. There are times she's like, "Mom"⁠—and my mom makes fun of us because when I'm like, "Hey, give me a kiss," she's like, "Ew." And when she's like, "Mom, give me a kiss," I'm like, "Girl, back up." So I think maybe we just need to match a little more, or maybe I just need to be the one that does it always, like girl⁠—

Jessica: Yes.

Angela: ⁠—because she's the child; I'm the mom.

Jessica: I think that's the move. She can say "Ew" all the time. That's great as long as⁠—

Angela: Yeah. That doesn't bother me.

Jessica: ⁠—yeah, as long as you keep coming back for more and you keep on showing her that you want to. Even if it's in a teasy, jokey way that you're trying to make contact, that'll help, and it'll help her cope with what's happening with her dad.

Angela: Yeah. That's the other thing, is just it took me almost three weeks to talk to him about what I needed to talk about, like her spending less time there. It took me three weeks, and then he called me back three times later that day just to yell.

Jessica: I'm so sorry.

Angela: And it was like, oh⁠—so even something small⁠—like yesterday I needed him to take her to tennis practice. It took me an hour to send a text.

Jessica: Damn. Okay. And do you keep all of your communication in writing?

Angela: Yes.

Jessica: Good.

Angela: I try not to call, just because I don't feel like it.

Jessica: Why should you talk to him? No.

Angela: Yeah. My boundaries are really tight with him, and⁠—yeah.

Jessica: Good. Yeah. I definitely think, if you're going to talk to him about this kind of stuff, ideally it would be an email. Text is fine, too, but email is like⁠—if you end up having to be like, "You can't see her," if it gets there, having an email trail is just easier for you to protect that with.

Angela: Yeah. Understood.

Jessica: Also, it might be easier on you to email because if you're texting, he's right there on his phone; he can text you right back or call you, whereas email is like an extra step. So, if it's not something like, "I need you to pick her up right now for her tennis," if it's something more like, "She doesn't want to come to your fucking house," and you have to find a way to say that, then that might be more of an email than a text, I would say.

Angela: Okay.

Jessica: Yeah. And he checks emails, right?

Angela: I haven't emailed him in a very long time.

Jessica: Okay. Yeah. I mean⁠—

Angela: But I assume so. He has the same email address.

Jessica: If you have to deal with big boundaries with him, you should tell your family that you're doing it.

Angela: Okay.

Jessica: Don't do it alone. You're doing it alone too much. And I think you could tell your bestie, tell your mom, tell people that actually deeply care about you, "I have to deal with this. It's stressing me out. I'm not asking you for advice. I don't need help. I just need you to know this is torture, and I'm being tortured by my brain and this situation."

Angela: Okay.

Jessica: It's fair to say to people, "Please don't give me advice. I'm not asking for advice. I'm just telling you how I feel. It sucks." I think that would be helpful for you, honestly, because then the people who care about you can check in on you later when you might be in a better mood to bring it up, but you're just too shy and in your head to bring it up.

Angela: Yes.

Jessica: Okay. Okay. Good. Yeah. I just want to thank you again for writing in this question. It's very real and hard.

Angela: Thank you for your time. That was eye-opening.

Jessica: That is what we're here for, a little eye-opening. It is my pleasure.